Perfect World (59/90)

I did nothing besides for wait for the new Harry Potter trailer to be released.

I seem to keep running into not having much to blog about. And honestly, it's about two months into this challenge, and I guess it makes sense. Maybe I'll start asking around to see if there's anything people have been wondering about that I could have thoughts on. I want to have a lot of different topics on here, because I have a lot of interests. But my default is Harry Potter, and I think I need to rein my obsession a bit.

We're supposed to be going to the beach in a few weeks, so you know what that means: I need to start getting in shape again. I admit, I had a week-long stint where I really didn't do too much, and I really didn't care about it. I guess it was because at that point I didn't really have an outside factor to motivate me. I mean, yes, I always want to be thinner. But I've come to find out that in this area, me wanting to change just so that I can be at my ideal weight doesn't really help me keep to working out and eating well.

I admit, I didn't think we'd be going to Maryland this summer. I mean, plans already fell through twice for trips this summer, so why would this be any different? But I hear we've booked our flight, and we're looking at a hotel seriously now. And these past few weeks I wasn't sure if I had someone to impress come August. Quite honestly, I thought that there was very little chance that I would. But I got a surprise last night, and turns out I still do.

While I may not feel as good about myself as I know I could and should, it seems like I'm not alone with trying to obtain the "summer beach bod." I keep seeing work out articles in the "Today" of my MSN highlights. And if there isn't a work out, then a new diet plan, or things you shouldn't eat, or ways to mask your imperfections are featured. That's because everyone views you negatively if you don't look a certain way or are seen as overweight, or are completely lazy.

I will admit, there are a few people who I really wouldn't like to see in a swimsuit, but on the whole these articles are targeted at people like myself. People tell me I don't need to lose any weight, I'm good the way I am, etc. I even know that I'm healthy at this weight. But, as I'm sure I've written about a few times already, we need to go that extra mile to feel good about ourselves.

It's because we're constantly bombarded with (retouched) pictures that tell us what the ideal woman looks like. We've all seen them before, and since they are so prevalent, it sends the message that we need to look like that. The pictures and the articles are marketed toward those of us who have low self-esteem and feel like we need to fit into the mold to be seen as beautiful. And so we devour the articles and fatigue ourselves, trying desperately to lose those last ten pounds.

We don't do it because of our health. We do it because we've been told we need to look like this, even if we look around and see more women looking like us. Or we are never looked at because our friends are thinner than us and no one notices us. And then that number gets stuck in our heads, because we believe that everything will fall into place once we lose the weight.

We feel the need to impress everyone around us with our bodies, and feel like we can't if it's not perfect. Even though there are many more imperfect bodies out there, we work towards what we think is the ideal. And even though I know this, I'm still doing it. It's frustrating, but I won't stop working toward the ideal.

This is something I'm passionate about, so if this seems oddly familiar, I apologize.

The New Workout Plan (32/90)

Today I laid around, then went to dinner with a friend.

I really haven't had much on my mind today. Of course, after I blog last night about not foreseeing any issues with coming up with something to write about, I hit a brick wall. I don't really feel like pulling from my bank of saved ideas, either. It's not my fault that most of my thoughts today concerned one person, and whether I'd get to talk to him today (which I haven't had a chance to do). And in doing so, I've started to analyze myself.

Nothing really deep. It's purely superficial. But I'm also going to the beach in less than a month, so I think it would be amazing if I could either hit my goal weight by then, or have some definite tone in my body. And I haven't really been keeping up with weighing myself very often, and have no concrete numbers to base my improvement off of. But I think I do better without numbers. I only have what I have from the end of the school year, and I've already seen improvements with those.

But I think the thing that I most want to see, and am beginning to see, are physical results. I did a Jillian Michaels work out today (she's pretty intense for those of us who aren't athletes), and I worked up a disgusting sweat. I had sweat dripping into my ears. I admit, I had to stop a few times, but after I got out of the shower, I wasn't really too sore. Those kind of results are some of the ones I take pride in.

And then, when I was getting out of the shower, I noticed that I can actually see some muscles starting to develop. That got me excited. Not only could I see them in my obliques, but I could also see it in my arms and shoulders, and even a bit on my thighs. I got dressed today, and my pants fit me a lot better than they have in awhile. And when I took a nap out of sheer boredom today, after pushing distracting thoughts from my mind for a few minutes, I got to thinking.

I've been walking around differently. I've started doing it unconsciously, and when I notice I'm doing it I try and stop. But I've been standing taller and swinging my hips as I walk. And since it's an unconscious thing, I guess that means that I've started to take pride in how I look, and just haven't realized it yet?

I think having something to work towards is good for me. Somehow a concrete "I'm going to a beach in a month, and want to feel confident in my swimsuit" or "I've got someone in mind to impress" is more motivation than "I want to get to that number, so I can get a nameless guy to take interest." Because I can already tell that this summer is different than last summer.

It helps that I don't have a job this summer and hate not having something to do. And somehow this year I've even started eating healthier, almost unconsciously. Now, before I go out, I'll check the web site to see what has fewer calories and sodium. It's almost like I don't have to remind myself to do it anymore, it comes naturally.

But it's only the beginning of the summer. We'll see what happens in a month.

Carry That Weight (15/90)

My day: I watched things. TV, movies, and my brother test for his brown belt in Hapkido. Buh.

Today I didn't work out. I just didn't want to. I mean, I want to lose weight. Definitely. I'm about 12 pounds shy of my ideal weight. The weight that's been ideal for about three years now. The weight I was at sophomore year of high school. The weight I was at before I had to go to a size 13 in junior's pants. And the weight I was at that was the easiest to find pants.

But this summer is the summer that I actually am actively trying to lose it all, and keep it off. Last summer I kind of tried, but it ended up that I worked out about three times a week, if that. So I kept weight off. And then I went to school again. I taught fencing instead of free fencing with people, so I stood around a lot. I didn't have to walk as far as quickly, unless I had to get to Dave's dorm. And my appetite stayed the same, so I gained another 5 pounds. I was roughly 20 pounds lighter than my mother, who is about 4 inches taller than me.

I didn't like it, but I still didn't do anything about it. I ate salads for lunch, yes, but that was it. And I complained about the weight. But last semester I took my gym core class, and had to intensely work out twice a week. I liked it. I started to eat better. In the end I lost 6 pounds, and an inch off of each my waist and my hips. But it wasn't enough.

I knew I was stronger. I could (and still can) see the muscles I re-developed. And this past month I lost another 4 pounds, mainly because my appetite shrank drastically and I had more free time. So now, as part of becoming the woman I want to be, I'm losing those last 12 pounds. But today I didn't want to.

It's not like I was sore or anything. I didn't work out Wednesday because of that. But I did two work-outs Thursday because of it. Today I just wasn't motivated. I looked at the clock, and it was 1:30. I was still in my pajamas, and had just eaten breakfast about an hour before. 'I should work out,' I thought to myself. And I just continued to stare at the TV. I don't know what it was about today, but I just couldn't motivate myself to get up and work out.

I guess a part of it could be because the scale said I basically got back to the weight I was at when the semester started. I know I didn't gain 9 pounds back in 5 days. But I guess the number played a trick on me. And it all comes down to that number.

The reason I didn't do much first semester is probably because I didn't have a scale. When there was no number, I felt good about myself. I thought I looked good. I could still fit into my clothes, and I still got checked out. Dave told me my body was amazing, and when I started talking about my thighs everyone would stop me. But when I knew I was going to be taking a gym class, I started working out over break so I wouldn't look like a fool. And that's when I saw my number again.

It's funny how much weight (no pun intended) is attached to a silly three digit number. I felt good before I found out; what changed? Nothing about me had changed from before I knew the number to after. I still had the same sized everything. I still didn't work out on my own. I still ate the same. But the knowledge of the number kicked me in the butt to do something about it.

I wonder if I reach the golden number, if I'll be happy with it. I mean, I've seen a lot of things get smaller. Most noticeably was my chest. That was the first thing that tipped me off to the fact that I was losing weight. I don't have to press down on my hip bones to feel them anymore, something I've always been proud of, until fall semester when I couldn't do that. My butt doesn't sag as much. Certain clothes fit better now. So if my thighs don't get smaller when I reach my number, will I be happier?

I hope so. Because I really don't think I'll look better if I go below my number; I think I'll lose my favorite attributes if I do. Really, the only thing I don't like about my body right now is my thighs. And it's not even the whole thigh; it's the inside and back. They just need to be a bit firmer. Not jiggle when I wear shorts. But everything else I'm happier with. I'm just getting sick of tight pants around my thighs.

If I reach my ideal weight, then I guess I'll just deal with my thighs. Even if they do jiggle when I walk.