So that title's now going to be applied to this blog. I'm going to sail away from the posts about the ex, and go sail away to this new horizon I've desperately been attempting to cast off to.
But where am I sailing off to? What new horizon awaits me? A philosophical one, where I delve deep into myself and into the workings of human nature? Or random thoughts of seemingly unimportant merit? Should I step away from the descriptions of my life, or continue on with stories from my past, present, and future? I don't know. We'll see where this goes, though.
Future is where it's heading. I don't think I'm the only one out there who feels this way, but I can't see myself being with just one person for the rest of my life. I know that I get bored with people easily; in fact, my current best friend is the only person who I've been close to for more than two years. I tend to lose those who are closest to me in two-year increments. As such, am I really going to be able to be married to someone for 50 plus years? I get bored with things easily, and I'd imagine after awhile there wouldn't be anything to talk about. Especially if you find someone who you just have a great initial connection with. So if you've already discussed everything, what's left? When you get up in your 70's, how much is there going to be to talk about? Retirement will have already happened, I'm sure, and by then there's not too much you can actually do but talk.
This question was raised in my humanities class today: are humans supposed to be monogamous, or is it a social constraint we've applied to ourselves? I'll admit, there have been multiple times where I've seen this idea of polygamy practiced: people cheat on each other. Even if I'm totally devoted to someone, I can't help but look at someone else and wonder: what if? Is it because we're not supposed to be with just one person for life? Look at the animal kingdom: there are only a few animals who are with just one mate. Penguins and a few others I can't remember right now. Wolves can only have sex if they are the alpha male; if another male wolf tries to have sex with a wolf, he is chased away from the pack. Same with meerkats, only the queen is the only female who has sex. If, in the animal kingdom, they are polygamist, then shouldn't that point to monogamy being a social constraint, and not nature?
I'm not sure. I feel like humans are naturally polygamists. That doesn't mean that I want to go out and practice polygamy; I'm too jealous for that. But I think if society hadn't pressed it upon us so forcefully, I may not be too jealous. But that's another blog for another time. I can't see myself being able to settle down with one person. I want to get married, but I have this serious aversion to being a statistic, so I'm not too sure if that'll ever happen. Slightly depressing, but I'm hoping that I can be with someone who I'll be able to be interested in in 50 years.
Friday, February 27, 2009
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Back in Black
Does anyone else find it funny that I started this over Winter Break and I'm back here a week and a half before Spring Break? And there I was, thinking that I'd be able to keep this thing updated weekly. Life must've gotten in the way. I blame college. I've had things to write about, just no time to do so. I really don't even have that much time right now, seeing as I have a lot of homework, but here I am.
I think there's going to be a theme here, with the titles of my posts being songs...I like music, it makes me happy. But that's not the topic of this blog. At least, I don't think it will be. Not too sure where it's going right now, but I'm willing to let it meander on whatever path it chooses.
Seems to me a follow-up to the last post is in order. So it was about an ex. An ex I had lost for a friend. And after that friendship was finally lost, I started thinking: did I even want to be friends with him? I mean, it had been three months of him being an asshole, or attempting to convince me to take him back. Over the course of the three months, I had forgotten what I had loved about him, and even what I had liked about him as a person. So when he recanted, when he asked for his things back, I was willing and able to let him go. I came back to school, and didn't really concern myself with him. Second semester of college, getting into my major, creative writing, eighteen credit hours. I resolved myself to at least try to have some fun, and he wasn't on the list.
We went a few weeks without talking, which was fine with me. Little did I know, however, that he still felt the "sting of injustice" from the break up and was telling my best friend all of this bull about me and our relationship. Obviously, he was still upset. My favorite quotes are, " I still miss her a lot-and i haven't talked to her in two weeks...it's been a week and it feels like an eternity." "So she's not listed as single [on Facebook]... *heart sinks*...I just can't wait to call her out as a f*ck*ng liar." "[Why I'm the liar] because she said she didn't want to be with me because she wanted to be single - if she is in a relationship now, then she f*ck*ng lied to me." "she's being a complete b*tch about all this" "i can't help that she's royally f*ck*d me up with this..." "and she'll never know how sh*tty i've felt the past three months. while i miss her, i'm glad i don't talk to her. she's a b*tch." "she doesn't deserve me, not the other way around." " if i admit i'm wrong, which i know i am, then it shows a weakness i can't afford to show with her." (expletives edited)
That's from one conversation with my friend. Now...he needs to figure out whatever he wants in life and from me, because it's been flip flopped all the time. Not once have I talked about him behind his back like this, and if I were, then I'd have more sense not to talk to his best friend. The fact that he was still upset over it enough to call me those names pissed me off. He can't accept any responsibility for anything, and I think he's acting like this just because he feels like he's entitled to it. It's not like he was that much better than me. I was always playing Mommy-keeping his schedule, reminding him what needed to be done, making sure that he didn't get in trouble, warning him against things that weren't the wisest to do. I gave up my happiness to make sure that he could get along alright. I got sick of it. After doing it for a year, and having no gratitude in return, as evidenced by him thinking he was in love with his ex/best female friend who I'd suspected he still had feelings for throughout our relationship. That was the last straw, really. I do not deserve to be second best.
I wish I could say that it had ended then, a few weeks after coming back to school. Nope. He told my best friend, his ex/best friend he's in love with, and my best friend's brother that I "wasn't too great in the sack." That pissed me off. He's still not over me, it's been four months now, and he has himself a new girlfriend. He's still spreading stuff to people about me, and then he has the audacity to try and have a "truce talk" with me when I get back from spring break. He's decided that if I can apologize for the umpteenth time for everything, then we can be friends, even though he knows he's been wrong. And, honestly, I'm not sure if I want to take him up on that offer. I've had a pretty happy time here, not having to worry about him. He blocked me online, after I sent him well wishes for the new girlfriend and finally getting his braces off, he blocked me on Facebook, and has told me not to talk to him. He still has some of my stuff, and I don't even know if I want to go and get it back, because of the way he's acted.
I try not to think about him and everything that he's done and said, but I get curious. I'm happy now; I've been happy at school. And without worrying about how he's doing, it's gotten even better. I think I was trying to be friends because I wanted to prove everyone wrong who's said that people can't be friends after they break up. So far I've proved that wrong, besides for him. I'm going home next week for a week, and I still don't know if I'm going to take him up on this truce talk. He told my best friend he needed to do this, after blasting me yet again to her, even though she said she would no longer stand for it. I'll probably listen to him and see what he has to say, because that's just how I am. But for now, I'm just going to be amused by what he thinks of me, and be happy wandering around campus.
I think there's going to be a theme here, with the titles of my posts being songs...I like music, it makes me happy. But that's not the topic of this blog. At least, I don't think it will be. Not too sure where it's going right now, but I'm willing to let it meander on whatever path it chooses.
Seems to me a follow-up to the last post is in order. So it was about an ex. An ex I had lost for a friend. And after that friendship was finally lost, I started thinking: did I even want to be friends with him? I mean, it had been three months of him being an asshole, or attempting to convince me to take him back. Over the course of the three months, I had forgotten what I had loved about him, and even what I had liked about him as a person. So when he recanted, when he asked for his things back, I was willing and able to let him go. I came back to school, and didn't really concern myself with him. Second semester of college, getting into my major, creative writing, eighteen credit hours. I resolved myself to at least try to have some fun, and he wasn't on the list.
We went a few weeks without talking, which was fine with me. Little did I know, however, that he still felt the "sting of injustice" from the break up and was telling my best friend all of this bull about me and our relationship. Obviously, he was still upset. My favorite quotes are, " I still miss her a lot-and i haven't talked to her in two weeks...it's been a week and it feels like an eternity." "So she's not listed as single [on Facebook]... *heart sinks*...I just can't wait to call her out as a f*ck*ng liar." "[Why I'm the liar] because she said she didn't want to be with me because she wanted to be single - if she is in a relationship now, then she f*ck*ng lied to me." "she's being a complete b*tch about all this" "i can't help that she's royally f*ck*d me up with this..." "and she'll never know how sh*tty i've felt the past three months. while i miss her, i'm glad i don't talk to her. she's a b*tch." "she doesn't deserve me, not the other way around." " if i admit i'm wrong, which i know i am, then it shows a weakness i can't afford to show with her." (expletives edited)
That's from one conversation with my friend. Now...he needs to figure out whatever he wants in life and from me, because it's been flip flopped all the time. Not once have I talked about him behind his back like this, and if I were, then I'd have more sense not to talk to his best friend. The fact that he was still upset over it enough to call me those names pissed me off. He can't accept any responsibility for anything, and I think he's acting like this just because he feels like he's entitled to it. It's not like he was that much better than me. I was always playing Mommy-keeping his schedule, reminding him what needed to be done, making sure that he didn't get in trouble, warning him against things that weren't the wisest to do. I gave up my happiness to make sure that he could get along alright. I got sick of it. After doing it for a year, and having no gratitude in return, as evidenced by him thinking he was in love with his ex/best female friend who I'd suspected he still had feelings for throughout our relationship. That was the last straw, really. I do not deserve to be second best.
I wish I could say that it had ended then, a few weeks after coming back to school. Nope. He told my best friend, his ex/best friend he's in love with, and my best friend's brother that I "wasn't too great in the sack." That pissed me off. He's still not over me, it's been four months now, and he has himself a new girlfriend. He's still spreading stuff to people about me, and then he has the audacity to try and have a "truce talk" with me when I get back from spring break. He's decided that if I can apologize for the umpteenth time for everything, then we can be friends, even though he knows he's been wrong. And, honestly, I'm not sure if I want to take him up on that offer. I've had a pretty happy time here, not having to worry about him. He blocked me online, after I sent him well wishes for the new girlfriend and finally getting his braces off, he blocked me on Facebook, and has told me not to talk to him. He still has some of my stuff, and I don't even know if I want to go and get it back, because of the way he's acted.
I try not to think about him and everything that he's done and said, but I get curious. I'm happy now; I've been happy at school. And without worrying about how he's doing, it's gotten even better. I think I was trying to be friends because I wanted to prove everyone wrong who's said that people can't be friends after they break up. So far I've proved that wrong, besides for him. I'm going home next week for a week, and I still don't know if I'm going to take him up on this truce talk. He told my best friend he needed to do this, after blasting me yet again to her, even though she said she would no longer stand for it. I'll probably listen to him and see what he has to say, because that's just how I am. But for now, I'm just going to be amused by what he thinks of me, and be happy wandering around campus.
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