Whatcha Say

I'm not sure what I feel like blogging about tonight, but I just feel compelled to put something down. I have no creative juices flowing, since all I've done today has been lay around. It makes me restless and like I've wasted a whole day for nothing. Which I guess is why I've decided to blog tonight. And there's nothing on TV.

I guess what's been bothering me lately is how when I seem to get to a point in my life where I'm actually comfortable with what's happening around me and when I feel safe and secure, something happens to upset it. In the past it's been other girls that I can't compare to, that made me feel inadequate when standing next to them to those who were comparing us, and to those who weren't. I can at least say that I haven't had that feeling from someone I care about lately. Sure, there is someone who I can see judges me every time we're in the same room, and probably finds me undeserving of the classes I'm allowed to take and the privilege of being in the Honors College. By this point in time, I just don't care anymore. He's judged me from the first time we met, he used me and my friends to get close to someone, and she either doesn't see it or doesn't want to see it. Quite honestly, I hate people who do that. Not only because I was in that position a fair number of times, but because he was hurting everyone else to get what he wanted. I could care less about what he does now, except for the fact that I have to see him in my room and pretend that I have no ill will towards him, when I know what he's done, and I know how he views me.

That's not what's really bugging me, though. He's just a constant annoyance that I have to deal with a few times a week, and won't have to deal with for three weeks. The real issue is this freshman who had a thing for my boyfriend before we were going out, and seemed to carry the flame well into the semester. Things eventually cooled off, and while I was wary of her, I never saw anything that upset me terribly. And now she wants to hang out with him over break. When I'm 2.5 hours away and can't do anything if something does happen between them. I wouldn't feel too uncomfortable about it, because I trust Dave, but even he feels uncomfortable. If he feels uncomfortable, then that's cause to worry. Which shakes the whole feeling of being safe and secure. I have only felt inadequate to this girl in one arena, and that's on the ballroom dance floor. And I know that the only reason for this is because I've only had maybe one year of dance background, and very little was in ballroom, and most of it was when I was 7 years old. The whole situation is just bugging me, because I know that I can't do anything to her until well after the fact, if she is stupid enough and brave enough to try something. I can't even warn her to back off and enter the mindset of a high school girl, complete with girl warfare.

And of course, she's not the only one who's upsetting my comfortable settling down routine. For some reason the holidays bring people out of the woodworks of missing me and wanting to talk to me again. People who I've hardly talked to this semester, and others who I haven't talked to in at least a year, have decided they want to engage in deep conversations heavy with flirting, leaving little to implication. In past relationships I've been fine with this, I've even engaged in the flirting back. But this time is different. I don't want to anymore. It feels...wrong. And I know that Dave doesn't see it that way. He's perfectly alright with having a flirt buddy, when both parties know it's just innocent flirting and nothing more. But with at least one person, it seems like he's rather insistent on having his way. And with another person, I'm not sure if he realizes that I'm actually off limits. It gets rather frustrating when I have to deal with this and all that's on Dave's mind is how much he'd like to be with me physically, and how I'm talking to someone I truly thought I was in love with.

But we both know we're both horrible, incurable flirts, and we have to accept that about each other as a character trait. I'm having trouble accepting it. His flirting is with pretty much any girl, who knows him well or not at all, and luck smiles on him if it's mentioned that he's in a devoted relationship. I know he doesn't realize when he's flirting, and that he's working on it, but when it gets bad enough that he confuses a girl with his flirting with her and then mentioning me, then I just wish he could control it better. I know I have. I only flirt with people who know that I have Dave, and who know that nothing will ever come of the flirting. And I've mentioned this, but it hasn't yielded many results. Which makes long breaks away from each other that much harder. I'm afraid that "absence makes the heart grow fonder" usually doesn't apply to me, and I'm deathly afraid that it'll breed the same results with Dave. With the three weeks apart, he'll see all the flaws I have, and that he won't want to deal with them anymore. That someone will come along, someone he previously loved, and remind him why they were together, and he'll leave me for them. I've seen it happen before.

But I guess I'll just have to wait and see. These aren't the first misgivings I've had about him, and the other ones proved to be false. Maybe after this I'll learn to trust like I haven't trusted in four years, like I've been scared to trust for the past three years.

Back Here

Apparently this blog is just going to be a spring semester type of deal. And I'm done with the ship metaphor, because that was just too hard to keep up. Anyways, I wanted to get back to blogging because we actually had to for a class, and I started wanting to do it again. So here I am.

Lots has changed since I last was on whatever land mass I was. Summer came, and with it my single status. It was my own fault, and even then I knew it was for the best for all involved. It was starting to devolve, whether he knew it or not, and I thought it best to abandon ship before we were both deeply scarred.

This summer I also grew up a lot. I realized that I invest too much time and effort in trying to make someone want to be with me. I found last semester that I didn't have to do much to produce the same effect I had on previous occasions. So I came into this new semester with a new idea: To not actively pursue anyone, to try not to take an invested interest in someone. Generally, it leads to pain.

So I didn't. I came in eager to see those who I hadn't in over three months, and ready to make amends with the one who's heart I ended up unintentionally damaging. I tried to, but I'm not sure it succeeded. I think his heart was still invested, while mine had already moved on and was at the time floating around. We eventually got to an unspoken agreement of avoiding talking about the past, and that ended up in drifting apart.

I really am sorry I hurt him. I never meant to. I guess I truly do embody the traits of a Gemini. I need change in my life. Gemini's generally are always going from one project to another, and can never be satisfied with one thought occupying their mind. It was safe with him. I had nothing to worry about with him. Many would love that sense of security, but it wasn't what I wanted. There wasn't even a perceived threat that wouldn't happen in the whole time I'd know him. We are also both Geminis, which means we probably have more personality traits than is advisable for a romantic relationship.

But traits for a great friendship was what we shared. I also think that, had we not been eager to try the relationship and had I thought a little clearer, that he could have turned into one of my closest male friends. I'm just not sure if we can get past the past and be able to talk to each other as freely as we did before we started dating. And I'm not sure if our current romantic interests would like that either.

Which leads me back to the beginning of this year. The first week I got a dancing lesson from a cute boy and a date with said cute boy. Thing is, I didn't realize it was a date until about halfway through. Call me oblivious. Anyway, I went into it not expecting anything to come of it, since we were just getting to know each other. But in the end, something did come of it. He is now the first person who I have dated that I wasn't friends with first. It allows for some interesting introspection, and it's going along swimmingly.

Other things this year, not so much. I had a paper take up most of my time this semester, seeing as it turned out to be 125 pages, and between that, other classes, and friends here, something had to give. It was my best friend from home. We didn't talk as frequently as in the past, and she blamed it mainly on me. Thing is, we started to run out of similar interests, and it was my fault I don't like fishing for topics that I can deal with reading about. So that's been slowly degrading, but it's not quite gone yet.

Those are the main updates. Now that everyone's been briefed, I'll probably go through and examine all of these topics in the coming weeks.