Well, it's been awhile since I last posted. Spring semester started, and I'm in a seminar for the whole semester. That means I'm not in normal classes, and we're developing a sexual assault prevention program. That's been taking up most of my time, and work, and fencing, and Adam. Not necessarily in that order, but it's still been a fairly busy semester already. And most of what's been on my mind is sexual assault, so that's just no fun.
But there is something else that I've been thinking about lately. Tif just celebrated her two year anniversary a few weeks ago, and a few people in seminar have talked about dating their significant others for a few years. Adam's been in relationships for a few years. And I haven't.
The longest relationship I've been in is a little under a year and a half. But everyone else my age has two or three years under their belts. And that longest relationship was one that I knew wouldn't work out in the end. So it really makes me question if I can have a long-term relationship, or if I'm stuck having shorter relationships and placing my love in people that won't work out?
I mean, I'm pretty sure I could stay in a relationship for a few years, forbidding any unfortunate circumstances that would make most couples break up. But I've never really had a chance to try, because unfortunate circumstances have happened. Being cheated on, being second best, things like that come up and I have no control over them. Things ended after all of that, and depending on what happened, I ended things.
Which leads me to another (potentially frightening) thought: What if there's something wrong with me? Is the reason I've never had a long-term relationship because of me? Is it my personality? Am I boring? Do I do something that makes them annoyed? Is whatever I'm doing preventable? I am the common denominator in all of my relationships, so logically I am the reason I've not had a long-term one.
There's nothing I can do to change that, though. I mean, I could ask all of the people who dumped me why they chose to, but that might not reveal much information. Or I already know why, and then things really are out of my control. So what is it about me that screams "I'm not worthy of a long-term relationship?"
I know my self-confidence issues probably didn't help things before, but I've slowly been getting better at that. And for awhile after I had that worked out, no one was interested. Now, of course, that's a different story. A different story that will eventually pose another problem, so long as things keep going the way they're going.
I'm graduating next year. He isn't. I'm planning on going home after that. He's gotta stay here. Long distance relationships don't usually work for me, as I've learned from the past. And honestly, I don't think I'd stay here unless I had a ring on my finger (which I'm just now admitting, both to myself and to others), and I wouldn't want someone to follow me unless we were engaged as well. But I don't want to be engaged fresh out of college either.
So yes, I would like to get married at some point in time in my life. But if I can't even make a relationship last very long now, how am I going to be able to make a marriage last for 30+ years? I don't want to get a divorce. I don't really want to be alone, but I could probably settle into being alone.
I just don't want to settle anymore.
