Old Tyme Religion

I knew it. I knew something like this was going to come up. But I didn't think it'd come up for at least another year or two.

Adam's dad basically doesn't think Adam and I will have a happy life together because I'm not Christian. While I ranted a bit on my Tumblr about it, I now have a better understanding of what he meant, but the above conclusion is still true. And I'm still upset over it.

He quoted some scripture that basically said it's going to be hard when two in a relationship are different religions. We're going to have different ideas on how to conduct the wedding, church going activities, and how to raise children, is what it's being interpreted as. And when I first heard it, it basically sounded like he was fine with us dating, but we couldn't get married because of it. I guess that bit's not 100% true, but whatever.

Either way, Adam's dad doesn't know what goes on in our relationship. He doesn't know that so far we've learned how to discuss our differences in religion (to a point) so no one gets angry or hurt by what the other says. He just assumed that we'll have conflict with our differing religions. I don't care if Adam's Christian, as long as he's not rubbing it in my face, telling me I'm going to Hell, or telling me that I'm not a good person because I'm not a Christian. And he doesn't tell me these things.

Nor does he know that I've told Adam before that when it comes to kids, if we have them then I don't care if they go to church or not, as long as they're not forced to continue to go if they don't believe. I also don't care as long as we let them know they have a choice of what religion they belong to. I don't think belief should be forced.

And instead of talking to Adam about it, or approaching me with his concerns, he just assumes that we're doomed because I'm not a Christian. It almost came off as he didn't think I was good enough for his son just because I'm not Christian. And this is what made me mad.

I'm not going to magically gain more morals because I'm a Christian. I'm probably not going to become more conservative just because I'm a Christian. So what's going to change if I became a Christian? My immortal soul would be saved? I'm already quite aware of all the suffering going on in the world and the country. I can't do anything about it except what I try to do right now, and that's bring attention to it. Maybe someone who is in a better position to help and make changes will see it and do something about it. Becoming Christian is not going to bring me into more wealth, time, or power to affect change.

And really, that's what bugs me about organized religion. Somehow I'm not a moral person because I don't believe Jesus died for my sins, because I don't believe he's the son of God. Because Christians haven't ever done wrong. It's stereotypical to say that, and especially to believe it. I'm not sure how to handle it, quite honestly. I've put up with the snide comments about deism, about liberals, about things that I care about.

You would think that after almost a year of dating he'd have come to understand that people can be good without Jesus in their life. And he doesn't even know why I don't believe anymore. Not like it'd matter though, he'd probably just use the same argument as Adam did when I told him.

Adam said he doesn't care what his dad thought, and he said if push comes to shove his mom could probably bring his dad around. I didn't realize that my religion (or "choosing what I believe" in his dad's words) would rule me out as a viable candidate to marry his son, when the last Christian (Catholic) who dated him was not someone who deserved his son. His son deserved much more than what she gave him, but she's got more of a chance because she believes Jesus is her savior.

I guess I should just trust in the fact that Adam said it'd all work out. Good thing I don't have to see his dad for a week.

Begin Again

Well, it's been awhile since I last posted. Spring semester started, and I'm in a seminar for the whole semester. That means I'm not in normal classes, and we're developing a sexual assault prevention program. That's been taking up most of my time, and work, and fencing, and Adam. Not necessarily in that order, but it's still been a fairly busy semester already. And most of what's been on my mind is sexual assault, so that's just no fun.

But there is something else that I've been thinking about lately. Tif just celebrated her two year anniversary a few weeks ago, and a few people in seminar have talked about dating their significant others for a few years. Adam's been in relationships for a few years. And I haven't.

The longest relationship I've been in is a little under a year and a half. But everyone else my age has two or three years under their belts. And that longest relationship was one that I knew wouldn't work out in the end. So it really makes me question if I can have a long-term relationship, or if I'm stuck having shorter relationships and placing my love in people that won't work out?

I mean, I'm pretty sure I could stay in a relationship for a few years, forbidding any unfortunate circumstances that would make most couples break up. But I've never really had a chance to try, because unfortunate circumstances have happened. Being cheated on, being second best, things like that come up and I have no control over them. Things ended after all of that, and depending on what happened, I ended things.

Which leads me to another (potentially frightening) thought: What if there's something wrong with me? Is the reason I've never had a long-term relationship because of me? Is it my personality? Am I boring? Do I do something that makes them annoyed? Is whatever I'm doing preventable? I am the common denominator in all of my relationships, so logically I am the reason I've not had a long-term one.

There's nothing I can do to change that, though. I mean, I could ask all of the people who dumped me why they chose to, but that might not reveal much information. Or I already know why, and then things really are out of my control. So what is it about me that screams "I'm not worthy of a long-term relationship?"

I know my self-confidence issues probably didn't help things before, but I've slowly been getting better at that. And for awhile after I had that worked out, no one was interested. Now, of course, that's a different story. A different story that will eventually pose another problem, so long as things keep going the way they're going.

I'm graduating next year. He isn't. I'm planning on going home after that. He's gotta stay here. Long distance relationships don't usually work for me, as I've learned from the past. And honestly, I don't think I'd stay here unless I had a ring on my finger (which I'm just now admitting, both to myself and to others), and I wouldn't want someone to follow me unless we were engaged as well. But I don't want to be engaged fresh out of college either.

So yes, I would like to get married at some point in time in my life. But if I can't even make a relationship last very long now, how am I going to be able to make a marriage last for 30+ years? I don't want to get a divorce. I don't really want to be alone, but I could probably settle into being alone.

I just don't want to settle anymore.

Someday You Will be Loved

It's been awhile since I last wrote something. That's mainly because I've had the worst writer's block lately. I have no idea what I'm going to write about today.

This is the first time that I've known how long I'll have alone time, and you know what? I don't really want to have the room to myself. I feel like being social and having fun with my friends. But I can't do that. Tif's at a self defense seminar all day, Lauren's at CPR training or celebrating her six month anniversary, and Tori's at Mounds Park doing archeological things. Jackie's back home with her boyfriend, and I don't really know anyone else that well that I'd like to hang out with.

No one from home is available to talk to, and I don't even think I'd have anything to talk to anyone about since I think I'm getting sick and I'm sleepy. Unfortunately, today is the point in time of being single where you kind of miss being in a relationship. I could've planned out a great day with him, ending in seeing Sharktopus on SyFy (which looks hilarious). Instead, I'm trying to think of things to write about and eventually going to Tif's self-defense seminar. I know I don't need to be in a relationship to be happy (unlike some people), but I'm starting to almost miss it a bit.

I'm at the point where I miss the cuddling. I miss getting a random text message. I miss knowing that at some point in time, someone's probably thinking about me. I miss having someone who wants to be around me. But really, that's about all that I miss about having a relationship/boyfriend.

I don't miss kissing anymore, or anything else that can progress from that. I don't miss trying to fit seeing him into my already stressful and busy schedule. I don't miss having to deal with other girls hitting on him and watching him flirt back. (Though I also miss not getting hit on or eye-f*cked.) I don't miss being frustrated with things he does. I almost don't miss that rush that you get when you're with them. I kind of don't miss being in love.

This is a first for me. I don't want to be in a relationship. I don't want to fall in love. What I want is to go on dates with people. What I want is good conversation. What I want is someone to talk to me with the intent of getting to know me, not getting in my pants. What I want is for someone to give me a hug when I need it, and watch a movie with me. What I want is to explore new interests, either for two people or just for me. What I want is to see someone do something they're passionate about, or hear them talk about it. What I want is adventure, something new to me.

Maybe I do want love then. Maybe that's the type of love I'm looking for. Not the type where you rush into things, and show your love through a physical means. Maybe I want deep, true love, where you're connected not only physically, but emotionally and intellectually.

I don't think I'll find that type of love here. I don't think I should find that type of love here. After my undergrad I'm not going to stay in Indiana. I'll probably go back home, maybe even to New York. So really, what's the point in finding that big love and expecting them to follow me? Especially since most of their family is probably still in Indiana.

But then again, maybe that's what you do when you truly love somebody.

Strangers Like Me

Things are finally slowing down a bit over here, so I might be back on a weekly schedule to update this! In case you were wondering, the rock wall is still fun to work at, though we've had a lot less traffic. I do admit it is a bit nice to not feel so rushed and swamped, but it's a bit quiet in there sometimes.

I realized something this weekend, after both working at the wall all weekend and catching up with Dave. The only males I'm close to and comfortable talking to for prolonged periods of time are those I've dated. I've got plenty of male friends, but I don't confide in them. If I tell them something, then about five other friends know what I'm thinking about as well.

I'm not really sure why I do that, especially since two of the three dumped me, and those were painful break ups. I guess maybe since we shared something that I don't share with everyone makes me more willing to open up to them. Or maybe I just really like the familiar. Even that doesn't make sense, though. I've known some of my other male friends for just as long, if not longer than some of my exes, and I have no desire to confide in them.

It could be because the last guy I was close to, I ended up dating for over a year (Zack). We were friends for a good year before we started dating, and most of my male friends now have a girlfriend. It could be just because I've never really had a lot of male friends.

Or I just might not trust someone from the opposite sex unless I can trust them enough to date them. I think this one makes the most sense, especially considering my summer discussions with another guy. I had never dated him, but it felt like we both wanted to and were separated by four hours. I started to confide in him a bit, and in turn he did with me. Somewhere down the line he just wanted me for sex, but that doesn't really matter. The point is that if I can see myself kissing them and maybe dating them, then I trust them.

Which is weird, because the only time I've gotten hurt by a male is if I were dating him. I can't date my female friends, so I just trust them after they've proven they can be trustworthy. But as a guy, they have to take that extra step to gain more than basic trust. And I'm not even sure what that extra step is supposed to be.

Maybe I should work on that.

Simple Things (50/90)

I slept most of the day. I went to sleep at 7:30 this morning. Completely understandable.

Lately there's been a constant theme in my thoughts. That is, when my thoughts are not angry with one person, and annoyed with another. It's actually partially their fault that I've been thinking about this. There are a few others that I will point my finger of blame at, but they shouldn't feel ashamed.

I want a relationship that just comes naturally. I don't want to have to work at getting what I want. I don't want to be constantly disappointed and setting my standards lower and lower because the person I love isn't following through with something. I don't really have very high standards to begin with, so the fact that I have to lower them is something. I've done an earlier post from April that has the basic standards I'd like to have.

I want an easy relationship, like Bill and Lauren's. They really don't seem like they have to work at being interested in each other, or work against outside forces that try and destroy them. Sure, Bill worries, but it's because he's worried he doesn't make her happy. It's really quite sweet. I've never seen Lauren worry, unless it's about something she unintentionally did. And even then, it's only to get advice.

I've never had either of them complain to me about the other doing this or that. There's no "one that got away" for either of them. There's minimal jealousy in both parties. They talk. They have actual conversations. They're both friends and partners, and seemingly can talk to the other about anything.

It's something I've never had. There's always been "one that got away" that leads to jealousy and fights. The relationship trumps the friendship, mainly because the physical gets in the way of the conversation. There's always been work involved, and always tears along the way. And I think I deserve to have something easy that falls into place like that.

Not that I think I'm this amazing person who doesn't deserve to be tested in life ever. Just that I think I've been tested enough these past few years, so something genuine, simple, good, and easy would be greatly appreciated. Even if it doesn't work out in the end. Because when I see Lauren and Bill, it makes me smile on the inside knowing that both of them are perfectly content and secure with their relationship, and only very strong winds will rock their boat.

I'm sick of sailing on my dinghy. I'm ready to upgrade.

Afraid (40/90)

Hi. Just got home from seeing Sex and the City 2, and sitting in the car with Margaret for awhile, so sorry this is late.

Today I didn't really have any major theme. But I did watch the first Sex and the City movie, and it (of course) got me thinking. I think Carrie said something along the lines of "You can't stop being who you are because you're afraid" when she was talking to Charlotte about running when she was pregnant. And it got me thinking. Mainly because I've been talking to someone who has a very similar outlook on life.

And I've always been the cautious one. I'm the person who thinks through all possible outcomes before committing to something, because I'm afraid I'll screw up or that it'll hurt me in the end. Mainly because I've actually gone with my initial thoughts and have been hurt by them. Time has taught me to be more cautious, and more afraid.

I've been hurt before, by many different people (mainly men). So of course I'm afraid to try anything new or outside my comfort zone. I tend to date guys who aren't right for me, mostly in the same way: they can't take care of themselves. Not that they don't know how to clean and such, just that they have no idea how to budget their time or keep their own schedules. So I become the constant reminder of things that need to be done, and they rely on that, with nothing given in return.

Not only is this a pattern, but I also have the unfortunate pattern of being second best for them. Usually it didn't work with the original person, but I'm still a pretty good prize, so I'm next pick. And because of this, what I want is always pushed aside until they've accomplished their own tasks. And it's something I'm used to.

I'm scared to be with someone who actually doesn't need me. I'm scared to be with an equal. But it's something I claim to want. So why haven't I gone out and found it yet? Instead I was either pining after someone, or chasing a dying relationship. I was settling for what I've always known, instead of trying to obtain what I deserve. I've suppressed what I want, who I want to be, and to an extent who I am, because I'm scared of being truly happy and where I want to be.

But I think I'm starting to change it. I still don't know where I want to be exactly, and I think it'll take me awhile to find it. But I do know there are things in me that I've been trying to suppress from certain people who think it's a bad idea to go down this road I'm peering down. Depending on where I stand further down the line, I may decide for myself whether it's a good idea. But it won't be because I'm scared to get hurt, or scared to be who I am. It will be because I know that it's something that won't lead me to the person I want to be, or reinforce the person that I am.

But I've just discovered this new road. I'm not going blindly down it.

Hook Me Up (28/90)

I somehow had a more productive day today than the rest of the summer.

Today, I didn't go anywhere. I didn't spend any money. I didn't get a call from a job, didn't clean, didn't take my dog for a walk. Today, I did a work out and ate well. Today, I read. And today I took time away from everything that could distract me, laid down, and thought about life. Normally I save time to think about life for before I go to bed, or when I'm in the shower and not singing. But I filled out a survey on Facebook today that made me think.

One of the questions was, if your recent ex said they wanted you back, how would you respond? And I honestly don't know. I'm sure I'd just stare at him incredulously if that happened. I mean, I was really bad after he dumped me (as I'm sure you have some idea). And now that I'm finally in a place where we can almost have a normal conversation, it's not something I think about very often. I still don't know how I'd react. But I'm fairly sure that it's not going to happen. I'm still wondering what I would do.

It's hard to tell. I think he'd have to kiss me to see if I could actually be with him again, for one thing. There'd be a lot of other factors in there as well, obviously, but that one's an easy way for me to see if I can still be with someone. Not that I'd encourage him to do it if for some reason he did decide he wanted me back, because if I didn't have feelings for him anymore then I'd be rather angry.

Another question was if the person I like, likes me back. And I'm at this weird point in my life right now where I don't know what I want from the opposite sex. I'm single and I like it, but I do miss kissing and cuddling. I may or may not have feelings for two different people right now, one being Dave. But it could, quite honestly, be the break up making me think this way. That, or hormones. And I'm not sure what to do about it.

This other one, I'm not sure why he's talking to me. I'm very suspicious, because that's the guy I mentioned before when school was still in. I'm about 85% convinced that he's still in it just to get some. But I've got a whole summer ahead of me to see if that number's going to change. I thought Dave was in it just for that. He was saying everything a girl wanted to hear. It seemed too good to be true, like he was a player. Turns out he wasn't, so this other guy has previous experiences for him.

But he's also got previous experiences against him. Some of the other things he says reminds me too much of another ex, who tried to charm me into doing things. And he seems to be more like this guy than Dave, so it sucks for him. Because I don't really want to be a "friend with benefits." But do I want to make out with this guy? Signs are pointing to yes. Do I want a relationship? I'm not sure. Do I just want to forget about this guy? I don't know. I'm in a very confusing place right now.

I think it's much too soon to even be thinking about this stuff, but here I am. It's hard not to think about this when you've talked every day, and there's definitely an attraction there. I know my friends don't like where this seems to be going, and I know they're operating on basically all the information that you are. But the thing is, when someone tells me not to do something, it makes me want to do it. Even if I had no intention of doing it. I'm weird like that. So everyone telling me that it's a bad idea and that I should forget this guy makes me want to flirt with him more. And that's just based on what little information they know.

And all this information has been gathered through IMing on Facebook, or through text messages. And I know it's very easy to lie when you're hiding behind a screen. It's something that I've done, and I know there's a possibility that he's very good at it. It's a useful tool, but doesn't really do much in getting to know someone. You can't see their expressions, hear the tone of voice, and you can stop and think about what you're going to put down. So I'm thinking soon I'll suggest talking on Skype, so I can better gauge where this is going.

But that's not the only thing that's different. This time, mixed in with the flirting, he's going to find out the real me. Those quirks I usually hide until into the relationship. Those quirks that you don't reveal until you've established that he won't leave. Basically, he's going to see that I'm a dork. My love for Harry Potter will come out, my video games skills have already been revealed, my obsession with musicals shall be a talking point. And I'm going to find out more about him. Because if he thinks that I'm just something to play with, I'm going to make him find out what it's like to play me.

I hope that's not the case. But I'm scared that it is.

Love Train (25/90)

Finally finished Sex and the City! Still no call from a job. Still happy.

And while I was watching the last episode of Sex and the City, I got to thinking about Carrie's life. Actually, I got to thinking about all the character's lives, since everyone went through big changes in the end. Charlotte has always been the girl who's after finding Mr. Right, and has always had class. Miranda is a strong woman who won't take crap from any man, and is perfectly fine with being alone. Samantha knows what she wants, how to get it, and doesn't care what others think.

And then there's Carrie. She's the one I most relate to, not just because she's a writer. She's always between guys, and between love. Sometimes she's in a long, committed relationship; sometimes she's just dating someone for a few weeks, maybe months. She's always out there looking for love, and has stumbled on the way. Not only that, but she loves shoes, just like I do.

Today I watched the last few, where she leaves her whole life behind for a guy. Now, I didn't like this guy that she dated. I didn't think he was a good match for her, and she uprooted her life for him in Paris. Sounds like something I'd do, honestly. If I thought there was a chance to be madly in love with someone and decide to follow them for their career gains, and give up my own career, I'd probably do it. Which is a scary thought, honestly. I wonder if anyone would abuse this information I'm typing.

But there was a reason I didn't like this guy. He really didn't care about her being her own person; it was more like how a wife was expected to be in the 50's. And that's not how Carrie (or myself) can live. So she gave it a try for a while, and realized she couldn't do it. And then he just decided not to discuss her feelings that night, and put it off, like it wasn't important. It really sounds like the type of guy I go for.

And then, of course, the love of her life was there, waiting to sweep her off her feet. While I'm not sure who that is yet, I do know that sometimes her dating patterns reflect mine. And I really don't want to have to deal with what she goes through with men. While I must admit that I've had my fair share of boys who could be forerunners to some characters that walked through her life, I'm really hoping I don't run into the problems she does. Mainly a recurring love interest.

But what really got me thinking was about how she seemed to always find her way back to Big, and the different lengths of her relationships. And I started looking back on all of my relationships. I found a pattern. Apparently I'm very prone to falling into patterns, which has gotten me in trouble a few times in my love history.

But this pattern hasn't really burned me too much in the past. I seem to go from having a serious relationship to one that burns out fairly quickly.
PJ: officially 5 months. Don't ask me the rest.
Nick: about 2 months.
Zack: 1 year, 3 months.
Jose: 4 months. However, around month three was when I was trying to figure out a tactful way to get out of it.
Dave: 7 months. (and you know the rest)

So after every serious relationship (so far), I've had a fun one that I knew going into it didn't have much of a chance to last, but I still tried to make it work. I think that probably everyone else has something like this, but I'm really bad with patterns and such, so I'm nervous to see where this will lead me. And you know what? Maybe right now I shouldn't be concerned with finding Mr. Right. Because if I go out and keep looking for him, it may take me forever to find him. Maybe he'll just fall into my lap (like Charlotte and Harry).

But I'm not sure. I'm a girl who really likes physical contact, especially cuddling. I'm a flirt. I didn't go out there looking for either Mr. Right or Mr. Right Now last year, and look where it landed me. Not that I'm really complaining about it. I view everything I go through as a learning experience, and I live with no regrets. So what am I planning on doing with relationships right now?

I think I'll go with the flow. If I find love where I didn't expect it to be, cool. If I don't find love, no stressing. Stick to my old plan of going on dates with people. See where that leads me. Hopefully not back anywhere I've already been. I want to move forward with my life. I don't want any more confusion in my life. I want things to be clear and simple, for once.

I just want to be happy and carefree. Halfway there.