Alone

Yep, I'm single now. And I don't even know why. I mean, last week he told me I depress him, and had to think about whether it would be best to break up. I guess he decided that, mainly because of that whole cliche of "love dying." It sucks. Especially since about a month ago he was so in love with me. We were doing amazing. It really seemed like we could make it "forever and ever and always," as he said. As long as he claimed to love me.

Forever was about seven months. They were a good seven months. I think he was trying to take the easy way out. He said he didn't think a relationship should have to work at staying in love, that our love should have just come and be natural. He said he's been feeling this disappearance of love for a bit now, and it's been conflicting him.

He told me before he only broke up with people when he couldn't see being friends with them, but wants to still be friends. Maybe not now, but when I'm ready. I don't know if I can do that. I have to quit being vice-president of ballroom now, because I'm pretty sure I'll always love him, even if I say I'm over him.

And if he had decided to stay together, things would've needed to change. We both realize that. Our relationship was becoming too physical, as all my relationships seem to end up. It was becoming routine: we'd do homework together most nights, talk about school before homework, do nothing over the weekends, be physical only over the weekend, and I'd stay the night one night over the weekend.

And now I want to go out and make bad decisions. I want to go out and get drunk (with people I trust), I want to meet someone I've never talked to and flirt, make out, but not come back to the room. I want to take a little risk, because I've never been in a place to do so. I want to go buy clothes and walk down frat row, hoping I can get into a party because of how I look only. I want to cry in peace. I want to cuddle with him. I want him back.

I've been trying not to think about it, but now I'm alone and can cry freely. I don't want to just be friends with him. Sure, I was feeling the same thing he had, but the way I know I still was in love was by his kisses. I've kissed on multiple occasions with no feeling behind it, with no love behind it continuing for weeks. I always felt something in me come alive when I kissed him. It never left me, and didn't seem to be slowing down anytime soon. I'm sure if I kissed him again, I'd still feel it.

But I guess he doesn't. I guess I'm not good enough for him anymore, like I'm never good enough for anyone. Maybe sometime down the line he'll realize what he had, and what he lost. If that happens, everything will start anew, but I'm fine with that. If I'm available and see that he's worked on himself.

I think a part of it is because he's not in a good place for a relationship right now. I mean, his depression has gotten worse and he's stressed with juggling classes, ballroom, friends, and me. I guess something had to go, and it just ended up being me. Even though I did so much for him. Paid for him. Helped him with school. Helped him get organized. Helped him get help for his depression. Helped him through some of his depression. And what do I get in return?

A broken heart.