The Weight of It

Summer's here. I got a 4.0 this semester, which is probably the first and the last time that'll happen in college. If I didn't get it, though, I would've been highly concerned.

I've hardly been home five days and I'm already thinking that I might go crazy. I get why people move out once they graduate college. I get why most of my friends stayed at school for the summer. I am back in this house that I lived in when I went to high school, before I was only an occasional guest in it. I need to get out.

But since I've been home and currently have no job, it's back to my old ways. Watching TV, missing people from school, and thinking that I need to lose weight. But this year I'm actually trying to do something about it, like portion control and regular exercise. I've just started and I'm already thinking that I'm going to go down a different path than I intend to.

Though Adam is great and only has good things to say about me, I still feel this need to look a certain way. Blame it on the magazines, on the supermodels, on TV, on whatever. But let's face it: compared to my friends, the ones who get more attention, who get called prettier more often than I, who fit in more with those other women, I don't really measure up. Or, rather, I measure too much.

I thought I had a handle on this last year, or even last semester. And for awhile there, I was feeling good about myself. But then life got hectic, I stopped working out as much, and Adam and I didn't really eat healthy, I gained the weight. And with him I didn't feel like I had to impress anyone anymore.

But now I'm home, bored out of my mind, watching TV shows with people at their biggest half my size. Now my mom tells me to shop in the plus-size section, when I'm perfectly capable of wearing "normal" sizes. Now she gets surprised when I eat a healthy dinner and go out and get more food because I'm hungry three hours later. Now I get hungry two hours after I eat, and there are slim pickings in the healthy and non-prepackaged foods.

I honestly think it's this house. There's nothing to do, nothing to eat, and everyone keeps to themselves. This house is what's bringing me down. Being alone, with a scale and a number, is what's bringing me down. Distance from Adam, with his friends who probably wouldn't think twice if he went off with a girl, is what's bringing me down. But those worries are for another time, I guess.

I wish I had the confidence that I had in October back.

**Please don't comment with anything along the lines of "You don't need to change," it's really not going to do much for me right now**