Sweet Emotion

What does it mean to be in a relationship? I've never actually went around to poll people, and I'm sure everyone has different opinions, especially many of my peers. I mean, we are in college. Some people just believe that it's something within the physical. Many don't. Many come into college thinking it's the way it was in high school: you go out once, you're "in a relationship." But things change, for some reason, when you reach college. Probably because you've known the people you went to high school with for a good chunk of time. When you get to college, you don't know anyone. So you have to go on a few dates to get to know them. I mean, in high school you've had classes with this person, you've been to their house, you were friends before you started dating. In college, you meet someone at a party, down the hall, in class, or in a club. You think they're cute; they don't reveal everything about themselves at first glance. You become intrigued, and then you go on a date.

Let's say you've progressed past the whole first date business. What happens at the end of the night? Do you go in for a kiss? If so, does that mean you're in a relationship? Do you invite them inside? If you do, will they think you're easy? We have so many television shows and movies about high school drama and dating, and 30-somethings dating, but little about the college scene. True, we have the American Pie movies to look to, but after spending a few weeks on campus you learn quickly that these are far from the truth, unless you make it your truth. We have no guidance as to what to do to get into a relationship in college.

So you've figured out the whole end of the date thing, and now you're in a relationship. Are you a virgin? Is your partner? Do they subscribe to the Hollywood version of college: alcohol and sex? Do you? You have to figure this out pretty quickly, to make sure that you're not getting into a relationship just for the heck of it. Once you hit a certain age, you have to progress past dating just because to dating to find your spouse. If you both aren't virgins, how do you avoid the temptation of having sex too quickly? This issue could ruin your relationship. If you're female, and you sleep with him too soon, he will think you're too easy, and could leave you. If you're female and a virgin, you still have the same issue, plus the added pressure of him wanting you to. If you're both virgins, then you may not have as much pressure, but you feel like everyone around you is having sex, and you don't want to wait anymore.

These issues aside, how do you balance the physical with the emotional? You're in college. You have almost no boundaries, and an abundance of time. You know your roommate's schedule, and can easily have as much alone time as you wish. Let's say you fall into this trap. When you're together, you don't pass up an opportunity to get closer physically. So you get a lot of chances, and you continue to do this. Something's going to give, and it's usually the emotional. You know you started dating them for a reason, but the relationship has devolved into a physical one only. How do you fix it? If you cut back on the physical, you may not have chances to be with them anymore. Sure, you talk occasionally, but before you talked for hours on end.

Maybe you don't fall into this trap. Maybe you know how to handle your relationship. I commend you. But for most of us, we run into problems in our relationships, even if we're madly in love and believe that we've finally found the one. I don't know where else I was planning on going with this, but I'm pretty sure I've just lost it. Maybe I'll remember it soon.

Naked

So I'm pretty sure that no one has read this blog in quite some time. For probably close to 9 months. In that case, I'm going to cease censoring myself, come clean, let all my feelings show. In other words, this is now going to become a naked blog.

I'm listening to a song by Avril Lavigne called "Naked," which is where the title of this blog is coming from. "I'm naked, around you, does it show?" is the chorus. And there are few people and few places where I can be naked, either in the literal sense with no clothing on, or let them into my mind and not have to censor what I'm thinking about. I'm very uncomfortable with myself. I don't like being naked. My roommate, on the other hand, loves it. Even when I'm being intimate I'm not comfortable being naked. I like to cover up. I don't even like being naked in our bathrooms, where both the toilet and the shower are behind one door, almost like a regular bathroom in a house. I don't like being naked in my room when my roommate's gone. I had to force myself to dance naked this winter break to become more comfortable with myself, and even then I kept my robe very close by.

I don't know where this whole thing came from, but it could be because I have body image issues. Hell, I have issues about almost every aspect of my life. But body image issues are easiest to talk about because they're only about me and not criticising anyone but myself. It doesn't do anything when someone tells me I'm not fat, because all I have to do is turn on a TV show or a movie and point out the body that I'm supposed to have. I've blogged about this before. So a majority of not wanting to be naked probably stems from that. But there's still some that I know doesn't have to do with that, because when I'm naked and alone I'm not thinking about how fat I am, the thought is far from my mind, and I'm still uncomfortable. I guess it could be because I was never exposed to nakedness. I can still remember, I was about 5 years old and staying at a friend's house for the night. Her mom made us take a bath and the two of us were put in the bath together, naked. I was uncomfortable with this, even at that age. Naked people were never on our TV. I have never experienced a culture of naked-ness until I was almost an adult. And now I have to try and overcome this so that I can be intimate later in life.

And the other part of being naked, of letting someone see the real you, see how you think, what you're thinking of, and everything about you. As I was typing about the other idea of being naked, I was trying to figure out who I could figuratively be naked around. I don't think there's anyone I can be truly naked around. I mean, it's like I still have my socks on around two people, and a thong and socks on around a third, and the rest of the world only gets to see me either fully clothed, or just missing a shirt. Of the two that I wear socks around, one I'm dating, the other I live with. It makes sense that I'm comfortable being figuratively naked around them, but I've been living with her for almost two years now, so you would think I'd be better at this. And I'm not comfortable being literally naked around either of them. This nakedness of my mind is something I really can't do. Trust issues also crop up, but they manifest themselves in a different way. Instead of not trusting anyone with information, I don't trust what they say about their feelings for me. They can say they love me, but in reality there's something they're not telling me, or in the case of Dave, someone who he loves more in a romantic way. That's how my trust issues operate, not that that's how it is in reality.

This whole concept of being naked scares me. I guess I just don't like being vulnerable. It doesn't help when I've been naked around him, and then he retreats. It makes me think that maybe I've scared him off, that maybe he won't return, that maybe I've ruined it by trying to show him the real me. And it almost seems to be coming true, since he doesn't want to talk to me lately. Or see me. So it seems that being naked scares everyone else as much as it scares me. Which means that I probably won't practice being naked around anyone else for a long time.

I Write Sins Not Tragedies

Seems that lately every time I sit down to blog, I have no clear purpose of what I'm going to be blogging about. I just know that I need to write.

Now, lately I haven't had as many philosophical questions, which means more often than not these are senseless ramblings of my (horribly boring) life. And I'm not even sure if anyone still reads this. The two people I got interested in blogging have moved on to bigger and better things to do with their time. So why am I still doing this? Does publishing this so no one can read it really do anything differently than writing something in a Word document? In theory, no, it doesn't. But I guess I'm hoping that those two do occasionally read my blog and will have something to contribute to my nonsensical thoughts. Or that other people will stumble across it and be intrigued, even though I know there is a high chance that this will never happen.

So why do I care that no one's reading this? Mainy because this is where I pretty much bare all that's been going on in my head at that point in time, and want someone to read, and want someone to understand, or at least be interested in what I have to say. Though I know that one person probably would like to avoid reading this, since he is an ex and probably doesn't want to chance me mentioning something about Dave, the other moved on to bigger and better things. While I knew when I let this die last year that they would probably stop checking for updates, I guess I was hoping for a little more interest in my daily life. These thoughts I hardly discuss with other people that I'm close to, that wouldn't be brought up unless specifically asked for, because it seems like no one is really interested in what I have to say. And lately it's getting me down when I think about blogging.

It makes sense that it affects me this way, since I'm going into journalism and all. I mean, if I can't even keep two people interested in reading what I have to say, how am I going to make it in the professional world, when I'm trying to get paid to have people read what I have to say? While I know when I go out into the professional world I'll have 2.5 more years of school under my belt and blogging is a completely different writing style than I'll be utilizing, it still makes me wonder if journalism is really the right thing for me to be doing with the rest of my life. I love writing. That's why I'm going into journalism. I'm interested in the news and politics and all that jazz, but I don't go actively seeking it. So that narrows down my options a bit, and pushes me into the magazine category. I think this would be the best fit in the journalistic world for me, since I would be able to have longer articles, spend more time on them, and be allowed to showcase my own voice.

But the magazine is slowly dying, and web writing has yet to figure out what to do to earn money. And this semester made me really think about what I wanted to with my life. I now wish that I would have taken the time to explore more in high school. Instead of taking classes that sounded interesting, I took the honors and AP classes that would look good for college admissions. I stayed with Spanish and band for all four years with hardly any room to take my vocational education class, Senior Foods. I opted to do one thing for myself, and that was to only take three years of Science in order to take creative writing classes. When I got to college, I didn't have to take many of those core classes my friends did, since I'm in the Honors College. And now I'm stuck with journalism, not knowing if there's something else out there that I'm better at and will love. I'm scared that this journalism degree won't be what I wanted, and that being a journalist isn't anything like I pictured. I don't want to be stuck at a job I hate, but I'm almost expecting it.

Wow, that was quite a jump. From no one reading this to being scared about my career choice. And I could probably continue if I felt like it. Instead, I think I might go to bed before one, or go watch Doctor Who online.