Naked

So I'm pretty sure that no one has read this blog in quite some time. For probably close to 9 months. In that case, I'm going to cease censoring myself, come clean, let all my feelings show. In other words, this is now going to become a naked blog.

I'm listening to a song by Avril Lavigne called "Naked," which is where the title of this blog is coming from. "I'm naked, around you, does it show?" is the chorus. And there are few people and few places where I can be naked, either in the literal sense with no clothing on, or let them into my mind and not have to censor what I'm thinking about. I'm very uncomfortable with myself. I don't like being naked. My roommate, on the other hand, loves it. Even when I'm being intimate I'm not comfortable being naked. I like to cover up. I don't even like being naked in our bathrooms, where both the toilet and the shower are behind one door, almost like a regular bathroom in a house. I don't like being naked in my room when my roommate's gone. I had to force myself to dance naked this winter break to become more comfortable with myself, and even then I kept my robe very close by.

I don't know where this whole thing came from, but it could be because I have body image issues. Hell, I have issues about almost every aspect of my life. But body image issues are easiest to talk about because they're only about me and not criticising anyone but myself. It doesn't do anything when someone tells me I'm not fat, because all I have to do is turn on a TV show or a movie and point out the body that I'm supposed to have. I've blogged about this before. So a majority of not wanting to be naked probably stems from that. But there's still some that I know doesn't have to do with that, because when I'm naked and alone I'm not thinking about how fat I am, the thought is far from my mind, and I'm still uncomfortable. I guess it could be because I was never exposed to nakedness. I can still remember, I was about 5 years old and staying at a friend's house for the night. Her mom made us take a bath and the two of us were put in the bath together, naked. I was uncomfortable with this, even at that age. Naked people were never on our TV. I have never experienced a culture of naked-ness until I was almost an adult. And now I have to try and overcome this so that I can be intimate later in life.

And the other part of being naked, of letting someone see the real you, see how you think, what you're thinking of, and everything about you. As I was typing about the other idea of being naked, I was trying to figure out who I could figuratively be naked around. I don't think there's anyone I can be truly naked around. I mean, it's like I still have my socks on around two people, and a thong and socks on around a third, and the rest of the world only gets to see me either fully clothed, or just missing a shirt. Of the two that I wear socks around, one I'm dating, the other I live with. It makes sense that I'm comfortable being figuratively naked around them, but I've been living with her for almost two years now, so you would think I'd be better at this. And I'm not comfortable being literally naked around either of them. This nakedness of my mind is something I really can't do. Trust issues also crop up, but they manifest themselves in a different way. Instead of not trusting anyone with information, I don't trust what they say about their feelings for me. They can say they love me, but in reality there's something they're not telling me, or in the case of Dave, someone who he loves more in a romantic way. That's how my trust issues operate, not that that's how it is in reality.

This whole concept of being naked scares me. I guess I just don't like being vulnerable. It doesn't help when I've been naked around him, and then he retreats. It makes me think that maybe I've scared him off, that maybe he won't return, that maybe I've ruined it by trying to show him the real me. And it almost seems to be coming true, since he doesn't want to talk to me lately. Or see me. So it seems that being naked scares everyone else as much as it scares me. Which means that I probably won't practice being naked around anyone else for a long time.