I've been incredibly busy since I last had time to sit down and blog. Work and classes has made it nearly impossible to retain a social life outside of those, unless we count fencing club. But I'm home for the weekend, and taking some time for myself, even if it does end up biting me in the ass come Monday.
There's been something on my mind that I've wanted to write about for about a week now, and it's something that I've thought about multiple times before. It has to do with beautiful people, once again. But this time it's not about how we should fit into this standard body type that consists of weight and bra size. This time it has to do with how someone perceives beauty. Or, rather, why lately it feels like I have to work twice as hard as most of my friends to be noticed.
This summer, especially when I went to school early, was the summer that I've finally started to not only accept my body the way it is, but also to embrace the fact that I'm pretty. I don't know if I'd go so far as to say beautiful, but I finally accept that I am an attractive individual. It's taken awhile to believe it, and I'm glad that I haven't gotten a big head about it. Well, I thought I hadn't gotten a big head about it.
In the past two and a half weeks I've had a few people challenge that idea, and made me feel less than the attractive me that I've finally started to see myself as. I was with a guy, and we were talking about things, and he called me a "cute woman." I've never been called cute by a guy before, unless it's about something that I'm doing. I've never had anything less than "beautiful," to be honest. So when I just got a "cute" it was a bit offsetting, especially when many other adjectives would've worked more for his benefit than cute. Though he did call me a woman, and I've never been called that without "young" in front of it.
I have a friend who says that calling a girl cute normally means that the guy wishes she had a better body, but other than that finds her attractive. Which was probably true, since eventually he did "admit" that I "have a nice ass." This was coming from a guy who had every intention of being more than just friends with me that night (only), and it was weird to be called "cute" by a guy who had those intentions.
And then I saw said guy a few days ago, and I got to see first hand what his definition of "pretty" or above was. Let me tell you, it's something I can never aspire to be. First off, because I have no desire to turn orange, nor do I have a need to do so. Second off, I will never have a runner's body. Third, I'm not a freshman. And fourth, I'm not afraid to challenge his ideas or speak my mind. So maybe that's why I was just cute to him. He didn't notice me that day either; I guess cute girls don't register to him when there's no chance of getting in their pants.
It seems like a girl becomes more attractive the higher the chance there is of getting laid. For example, last week I went to a party with a friend of mine. I think she and I are on the same place of the attractiveness scale, above the neck. However, while this may sound conceited, I feel like I have a better body than her. I didn't get any attention at the party, but she got plenty.
Maybe it's because she seemed more drunk than I did, and the guys thought they'd have a better shot with her. Maybe it's because I didn't really look drunk, and looked a bit bored. Maybe it's because guys can tell when a girl just got out of a relationship (one week for her). I can't help but to also think that maybe it's because I'm black. And that's where it seems like my problem lies: outside of my race, I have to work incredibly hard to be noticed and accepted as attractive.
Now, race doesn't really matter to me. If you're a decent person, I'll talk to you. It seems like most of the people in my classes are white, though, so I do have a higher percentage of white friends, and, since I like to know the people I'm dating, the boyfriends follow that trend. But at the party I went to, I was the only person who wasn't white, and I didn't get any attention unless my friend was otherwise engaged.
I feel really petty about getting upset about this, and it almost feels like I'm judging my friend. Unfortunately, when we're talking about beauty, we do judge. People saw her from across the room and wanted to talk to her; no one wanted to talk to me. Then again, the reason could be that I'm not a big partier and I'm naturally shy, even if I do have alcohol in my system.
I don't wear skirts. My shorts cover my thighs 90% of the time. I don't wear leggings as pants. I hardly wear heels. I never wear sandals. My party clothing is rather limited, and I really only like having my body on display from the waist up. My hair has a mind of its own, and I hardly wear make up. All reasons why I'm not your typical party girl.
Often it feels like in order to attract someone, I have to be that typical party girl. That's not me, and it's frustrating to watch 90% of my female peers buy into this, and 99% of my male peers prefer that to me and the rest of the girls who don't feel the need or see the attraction of it.
I wish there were a way to get them to see that there's so much more to college, that there's so much more to life, than partying and getting laid.
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