I Am Not a Whore

My life has become significantly less rushed since I've finished three of my five week classes.

And now, I can attempt to focus my energies on Spanish, which I'm sorry to say isn't really happening. I'm at the point where I really can't do much to bring up my grade until the next quiz, and I don't even know when that is. So that's kind of not much of a worry anymore. But that's alright, because I've got a lot of other drama to observe.

Mainly this idea of a one night stand. A few people that I've talked to have said that it's actually not as bad as you'd think it would be. I've even heard that it's recommended to have at least one in your lifetime, in a magazine no less. I won't lie and say that the thought of having one hasn't crossed my mind before. But I know that I wouldn't be able to go through with it once the time came.

Maybe it's because I'm not the stereotypical college student. I don't like going to big parties. I don't really enjoy the idea hooking up with just anyone. I don't need to drink to have fun; in fact, there are a lot of times when I just don't want to drink, but everyone around me does. I like relationships over random hookups or friends with benefits.

But some people that I know who I never thought would have a one night stand have, and they didn't turn out as bad as I expected. Granted, there were a few who got invested, but that's to be expected. I just know that I can't go through with it, mainly because I had an opportunity to do just that earlier, and it didn't happen.

Though that situation wasn't really a one night stand situation, because I had gotten to know him before the time came to actually do anything. But that's beside the point. I knew him and I wasn't going to get with him, so how is not knowing someone any better for me to hook up with them? I don't understand the logic.

I can't give myself away to just anyone. To be honest, until this summer I have never even kissed someone without any expectations. The only times I've kissed someone was when I was in a relationship, or expected to be in one shortly after. That is hard enough for me to deal with, so I really don't think sleeping with someone I don't know is something I can do.

And I know all the complications. I don't want to be viewed as just a sex object, because I have a brain as well. I don't like being underestimated, and I feel like if I just slept with someone that would be their highest expectation of me. I also know that I can and do get attached to people, and I view sex as something private. It's something to be shared between two people that love each other, so I'd probably feel like a whore after.

I guess that makes me really traditional in my views of sex then. But you know what? I think that if you really just want sex, then I don't want anything to do with you. So if waiting to get to know me and love me seems like a tough and unenjoyable concept, then I'm perfectly fine with you letting me know and then cutting off contact.

I like to think that this mentality makes me more mature, but at the same time maybe it's an immature view of sex. I'm not sure, but if you're reading this I'd really like to hear your thoughts.