I think I've missed two weekends of updating this. And the main reason is because I couldn't think of anything to write about. Sure, I've been a bit busier lately, but I haven't had anything really on my mind.
I'm not even sure why this particular remark stuck with me, but it's been there since she said it. I was talking to one of my friends who I met this year at work, and she said that I have a strong personality and it balances out with someone I'm interested in. And I've never been told I have a strong personality. It was a weird experience.
If you've taken the time to read any other entries (especially from over the summer with my 90 in 90 challenge), then you can see that I haven't had a strong personality for awhile. In fact, part of the reason why I think I have a "strong" personality is because of all the writing I did over the summer for this blog, and all the things I allowed myself to learn about life and, well, me.
I've been told that I'm a strong person before, on multiple occasions. I've dealt with some things internally that many people have issues dealing with even if they have others helping them. Not only did I get through those times, but I learned from them as well. My friends have praised me on how I've handled myself in spite of all of this. But no one who has just met me knows any of this.
So it was really weird for her to tell me that I've got a strong personality. The reason I had to be a "strong" person was because of my personality. I was a people pleaser. Not only that, but I was also a hopeless romantic who believed that if we loved each other, nothing else would matter. I thought that having that one and only was the biggest thing in my life to make me happy, and to make me valuable.
I relied too heavily on what the opposite sex thought about me. I gained my validation from them - how I felt about my appearance, how I felt about myself, and how I could keep those feelings coming. My personality traits that make me a strong personality right now were always silenced if they differed too heavily from whoever I was with or trying for. As a result, I was pretty much used and walked over for a few years.
I started to realize it sometime last year, and I started to allow certain traits to come out more. I was probably most myself in a relationship with Dave than I had been with anyone else, but that doesn't mean that I allowed everything to be seen by him. There were still things about me that he didn't see, mainly because I decided to keep those to myself. Granted, there were very few, but there were still some.
And then this summer happened, and I decided that enough was enough. I don't want to have to pretend or hide things about myself so that another guy can decide if he likes me or not, and then end up feeling like shit when everything ended. So that's where that summer came in. I worked through things and came out on the other side as a strong personality, I guess.
I was talking to someone else I met this year, and he was surprised when I said I wasn't nearly this confident last year. I take it to mean that I achieved my goal from the summer. Not only am I more confident, but I have a strong personality. I'm not as afraid to initially be myself around a guy I'm interested in. I've started to speak up about things that I do or don't want, and (to a lesser extent) things that bug me.
And I'm not that hopeless romantic who believes that finding that one true love will result in complete happiness. And my confidence does not need to come from some male telling me that he loves me. I don't need to be in a relationship to be happy; in fact, I've had a lot of fun being single. I think I've also started to approach things much more rationally and level-headed.
Which means that I think that lofty idea of the summer of change actually worked. Well done.
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