Back in the Saddle (44/90)

My summer's getting annoyingly predictable.

Which is why I think I need to do more of the things I've said I'm going to do, or had a secret desire to do. If you've been following me, you know that I've been trying to work on improving myself to be the person that I want to be. Well, the only consistent thing I've been doing is working out, and even that has been hitting some snags. Everything else has been a few instances, and they haven't really affected me enough to make it a permanent fixture in my life or my personality.

So as I lay crying last night, I got to thinking about what I had done with my life that I wanted to do. And I realized that a lot of major decisions in my life had been made by outside influences, and not made by me. For example: the debacle with PJ was the pressure to A) not hurt him and B) fit in by having a boyfriend and someone who loved me. That's a whole can of worms that probably won't ever be fully revealed on this blog. Where I was going to get my education came from my parents deciding to move. I had to go to Neuqua Valley, and did receive an amazing high school education that I'm grateful for. I had some major restrictions if I wanted my family to help me with college (which was necessary).

Not only was the thing with PJ predetermined, but it seems like every other male interest I've had hasn't really been my choice as well. Zack and I had this friendship, and then he had feelings for me, then he started dating my friend, and then it just kind of made sense to get together. Jose was more into me than I was him, and then it, again, just kind of made sense. Dave somewhat reminded me of PJ, but was still different enough to intrigue me. It kind of just happened. And this possible new interest was just in the right place at the right time.

And there are a lot of smaller instances where things have been decided for me, but they really don't matter right now. All that matters is that last night, when I was laying on my floor and crying, I realized that what was bothering me as well was the lack of control I seemed to have over things that affected my heart and my brain. And I'm a person who likes having control of the situation.

So last night, I decided that I was going to do more for me. More of the things I want to do, either planned or impulse decisions. I do have a lot of things I want to do that I instantly squash because they're either not plausible, or I don't have the means to do them. Well, I've learned how to live beyond my means from some of the best people, and I've learned not to worry as much from some of the most talented minds in this field. I think it's time to take what I've learned and put it into practice.

Maybe by doing that, I'll not only have a more fulfilling summer, but become a more fulfilled person. There are so many things I'd like to go out and do right now, and if I sat down and thought about it some more, there would be many more impulse decisions that I could make. Some of the things I've decided to do are small; some of them could have more of an impact on me than I anticipate. But I did make an impulse decision last night; now I just have to see it through, which I intend to do, so long as the other party is willing.

I'm already comfortable with my decision. Now to see how far this new outlook can carry me.