Back in the Saddle (44/90)

My summer's getting annoyingly predictable.

Which is why I think I need to do more of the things I've said I'm going to do, or had a secret desire to do. If you've been following me, you know that I've been trying to work on improving myself to be the person that I want to be. Well, the only consistent thing I've been doing is working out, and even that has been hitting some snags. Everything else has been a few instances, and they haven't really affected me enough to make it a permanent fixture in my life or my personality.

So as I lay crying last night, I got to thinking about what I had done with my life that I wanted to do. And I realized that a lot of major decisions in my life had been made by outside influences, and not made by me. For example: the debacle with PJ was the pressure to A) not hurt him and B) fit in by having a boyfriend and someone who loved me. That's a whole can of worms that probably won't ever be fully revealed on this blog. Where I was going to get my education came from my parents deciding to move. I had to go to Neuqua Valley, and did receive an amazing high school education that I'm grateful for. I had some major restrictions if I wanted my family to help me with college (which was necessary).

Not only was the thing with PJ predetermined, but it seems like every other male interest I've had hasn't really been my choice as well. Zack and I had this friendship, and then he had feelings for me, then he started dating my friend, and then it just kind of made sense to get together. Jose was more into me than I was him, and then it, again, just kind of made sense. Dave somewhat reminded me of PJ, but was still different enough to intrigue me. It kind of just happened. And this possible new interest was just in the right place at the right time.

And there are a lot of smaller instances where things have been decided for me, but they really don't matter right now. All that matters is that last night, when I was laying on my floor and crying, I realized that what was bothering me as well was the lack of control I seemed to have over things that affected my heart and my brain. And I'm a person who likes having control of the situation.

So last night, I decided that I was going to do more for me. More of the things I want to do, either planned or impulse decisions. I do have a lot of things I want to do that I instantly squash because they're either not plausible, or I don't have the means to do them. Well, I've learned how to live beyond my means from some of the best people, and I've learned not to worry as much from some of the most talented minds in this field. I think it's time to take what I've learned and put it into practice.

Maybe by doing that, I'll not only have a more fulfilling summer, but become a more fulfilled person. There are so many things I'd like to go out and do right now, and if I sat down and thought about it some more, there would be many more impulse decisions that I could make. Some of the things I've decided to do are small; some of them could have more of an impact on me than I anticipate. But I did make an impulse decision last night; now I just have to see it through, which I intend to do, so long as the other party is willing.

I'm already comfortable with my decision. Now to see how far this new outlook can carry me.

Brighter (39/90)

Today was my mom's birthday, but since I have a lack of funds, we didn't really do anything. She had the day off though. We kinda hung out, and I finished Chamber of Secrets today.

And yes, today's post is inspired by Harry Potter again. And until the 18th, which is when I'm planning on being done with the series, you should probably expect them to be Harry Potter related or themed. So long as there's one quote that makes me think in every book, and I'm sure there will be. Tonight's is from Dumbledore. "It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities." (Chamber of Secrets, page 333, American version).

Which is good news to me, since I have very few abilities, but a lot of choices at hand. But then again, I'm a very indecisive person, so sometimes it's hard for me to make a choice. It takes me a lot of time usually to sit down and think through important choices. I'm really not an impulsive person, although I've been told it seems like I am? I do make impulsive small, inconsequential decisions, like driving down the street to get Burger King instead of Jimmy John's and things like that.

But overall, I do think about my choices, because I do believe that they do show what we are. It's easy enough to pretend to be something you're not. But put someone in a tough situation, and that's when what they're made of truly comes out. Or even something that's not so tough. Any situation is a chance to see what a person's like.

I've seen some choices made by people that have changed how I perceive them. Like intentionally manipulating someone to get what you want. And I know that to an extent a vast majority of people will use manipulation, but there are certain instances when I can't stand it. And that's because I've seen how far someone will go with their manipulation, and the resulting fallout and turmoil from it. The choice he made still mars how I see him.

Another choice I've seen is how far people will go to keep something from someone, just so they can still look like the knight in shining armor they wish to be. Using and then completely disregarding peoples' feelings just to keep what they had. Lying and going behind her back. And then not taking care of her when she needed it and going off to fulfill your own agenda. If I didn't like him before this year, I definitely don't now.

And I know my own choices have changed how I see myself. I've been talking about becoming someone who is more in control with her life, and now that I'm doing that I'm actually really starting to like myself. And I'm thinking that others around me are liking the fact that I'm liking me more. It's an interesting feeling. I wish I had discovered this before.

I wish I had actually taken Dumbledore's advice to heart when I first started reading the series. I have a feeling that I would've been a different person than who I am now, and probably would've reached this whole "liking myself" think a lot quicker if I had. But then I would've missed out on everything I've been through, which I think would be a tragedy for me to have missed out on. Although I do admit, some things I could've done without, but on the whole I actually appreciate what I've gone through.

I made my choices, and I'm still sticking to them. We'll see where they take me.

Why Don't You Get A Job? (16/90)

There seems to be a theme for my summer: watch wedding shows and other TV shows all day.

Maybe deciding to blog over the summer wasn't the best idea. Sure, I have tons of free time to do so, but I don't ever really have anything stimulating to write about, or think about. I mean, how many times can I go on about weddings before it gets boring? And the same with Dave. Put me in front of wedding shows, and of course I miss him. I see something I want in my wedding, and I think about how awesome it could've been. But I don't want to blog about him, because quite honestly I'm sick of thinking about him, and I'm sick of crying over him.

Part of it is, I'm sure, because I'm hardly an adult. I'm halfway through college, and will have to face the real world soon enough. What am I going to do? I could stay in school another three years, and go to grad school. My dad wants me to do that. Sometimes I think I want to do that. But here's the thing: I'm sick of learning. I'm sick of hearing facts and spewing them back at you. I'm sick of researching, going through books line by line to possibly find one aspect of research that may work. So I'm thinking of taking a year off.

But I'm already a year older than my class. If I went straight from my undergrad to grad school, it'd be a whole lot easier. But that's about the time I want to get engaged and/or get married. I'm pretty confident that I could get a scholarship to grad school straight out of Ball State. But, as an indecisive individual, I don't know if I want to.

Because I watch all these TV shows, and they introduce me to a wider range of interests than I already have. Now, for some reason, I want to be a wedding planner. I think it'd be fun to make sure that someone's day went perfectly and was incredibly special. I'm not a person special things happen to, and I don't make special things happen to anyone. I think it would definitely be a worthwhile career option.

And then there's being a designer. I can't even sew. But watching Project Runway alights the fashion flame in me, and I see the designs and want to do that. I can't draw clothes. I tried once, when I was younger. I was inspired by Barbie, since she has amazing clothes that aren't produced for normal-sized people. So there are days when I want to change my major to fashion design.

I can't forget food and culinary school. I've gotten to the point where I recognize people from Food Network on other channels. I love watching the sugar work, and the pastry decorating, and the cooking in general. But, again, I have no talent. I can cook scrambled eggs and follow a recipe pretty decently, but I've never tried anything on my own or making up new things. I can't really bake either and make it pretty. It's tasty, yes, but I suck at presentation.

I guess I'm just at a point in my life where I want to know my choice is the right one, but want the option to try all these things I have an interest in. I love writing, even when it fights me tooth and nail and I want to tear my hair out. It's a part of me that I don't want to leave behind. But I've never had the chance to explore what else is inside me that could be as good as writing, and I want that chance.

I don't want to have to choose my career for the rest of my life at age 20. I just want to know that I'll be successful in my career. I'm nowhere near experienced enough to be thrust into the world in two years without anyone by my side. Maybe all my new career interests are because of my own failures. I failed when I thought I found "the one," so what if I'm failing at what I think is the right career? Especially when I've had even less experience with careers than with males.

Or maybe I just want to go do something with my life right now, like get married or go plan weddings. Because the apathy and the loneliness is killing me.