Back in Black

Does anyone else find it funny that I started this over Winter Break and I'm back here a week and a half before Spring Break? And there I was, thinking that I'd be able to keep this thing updated weekly. Life must've gotten in the way. I blame college. I've had things to write about, just no time to do so. I really don't even have that much time right now, seeing as I have a lot of homework, but here I am.

I think there's going to be a theme here, with the titles of my posts being songs...I like music, it makes me happy. But that's not the topic of this blog. At least, I don't think it will be. Not too sure where it's going right now, but I'm willing to let it meander on whatever path it chooses.

Seems to me a follow-up to the last post is in order. So it was about an ex. An ex I had lost for a friend. And after that friendship was finally lost, I started thinking: did I even want to be friends with him? I mean, it had been three months of him being an asshole, or attempting to convince me to take him back. Over the course of the three months, I had forgotten what I had loved about him, and even what I had liked about him as a person. So when he recanted, when he asked for his things back, I was willing and able to let him go. I came back to school, and didn't really concern myself with him. Second semester of college, getting into my major, creative writing, eighteen credit hours. I resolved myself to at least try to have some fun, and he wasn't on the list.

We went a few weeks without talking, which was fine with me. Little did I know, however, that he still felt the "sting of injustice" from the break up and was telling my best friend all of this bull about me and our relationship. Obviously, he was still upset. My favorite quotes are, " I still miss her a lot-and i haven't talked to her in two weeks...it's been a week and it feels like an eternity." "So she's not listed as single [on Facebook]... *heart sinks*...I just can't wait to call her out as a f*ck*ng liar." "[Why I'm the liar] because she said she didn't want to be with me because she wanted to be single - if she is in a relationship now, then she f*ck*ng lied to me." "she's being a complete b*tch about all this" "i can't help that she's royally f*ck*d me up with this..." "and she'll never know how sh*tty i've felt the past three months. while i miss her, i'm glad i don't talk to her. she's a b*tch." "she doesn't deserve me, not the other way around." " if i admit i'm wrong, which i know i am, then it shows a weakness i can't afford to show with her." (expletives edited)

That's from one conversation with my friend. Now...he needs to figure out whatever he wants in life and from me, because it's been flip flopped all the time. Not once have I talked about him behind his back like this, and if I were, then I'd have more sense not to talk to his best friend. The fact that he was still upset over it enough to call me those names pissed me off. He can't accept any responsibility for anything, and I think he's acting like this just because he feels like he's entitled to it. It's not like he was that much better than me. I was always playing Mommy-keeping his schedule, reminding him what needed to be done, making sure that he didn't get in trouble, warning him against things that weren't the wisest to do. I gave up my happiness to make sure that he could get along alright. I got sick of it. After doing it for a year, and having no gratitude in return, as evidenced by him thinking he was in love with his ex/best female friend who I'd suspected he still had feelings for throughout our relationship. That was the last straw, really. I do not deserve to be second best.

I wish I could say that it had ended then, a few weeks after coming back to school. Nope. He told my best friend, his ex/best friend he's in love with, and my best friend's brother that I "wasn't too great in the sack." That pissed me off. He's still not over me, it's been four months now, and he has himself a new girlfriend. He's still spreading stuff to people about me, and then he has the audacity to try and have a "truce talk" with me when I get back from spring break. He's decided that if I can apologize for the umpteenth time for everything, then we can be friends, even though he knows he's been wrong. And, honestly, I'm not sure if I want to take him up on that offer. I've had a pretty happy time here, not having to worry about him. He blocked me online, after I sent him well wishes for the new girlfriend and finally getting his braces off, he blocked me on Facebook, and has told me not to talk to him. He still has some of my stuff, and I don't even know if I want to go and get it back, because of the way he's acted.

I try not to think about him and everything that he's done and said, but I get curious. I'm happy now; I've been happy at school. And without worrying about how he's doing, it's gotten even better. I think I was trying to be friends because I wanted to prove everyone wrong who's said that people can't be friends after they break up. So far I've proved that wrong, besides for him. I'm going home next week for a week, and I still don't know if I'm going to take him up on this truce talk. He told my best friend he needed to do this, after blasting me yet again to her, even though she said she would no longer stand for it. I'll probably listen to him and see what he has to say, because that's just how I am. But for now, I'm just going to be amused by what he thinks of me, and be happy wandering around campus.

Life and Love and Why

There's no real reason why I blatantly stole the title of this from a Switchfoot song, besides for the fact that that's the one that supposedly describes my life (I've never heard it), and it's a catchy little title. Sums up what this is all about.

People live. People love. Is there a why to it all? Why are we here? Why do we live? Why do we love? Why do we love someone so deeply, and then tear it all away in the blink of an eye? Why let them live with the remnants of our love, constantly torturing them because to be friends would make us feel good? And when we finally can look them in the eye and see the extent we hurt them, why can't we fix it?

Why did I leave him? I gave him lots of reasons-college, cheating, growth, maturity. There were few I left out-I didn't love him anymore. I just realized it one day, but I could feel it happening. There were signs-I didn't feel sparks when I kissed him goodbye, when I left for the ever-dreaded college. I couldn't be as intimate. My thoughts kept wandering. It was strained between us. He didn't see it, though. He thought he could fix it. There was no way he could, unless he changed with me. He can't see that when you actually leave for college instead of going to a community college, people change a lot.

He was living in his own head, his own make believe world that was perfect. Sure, we fought every day, but we loved each other, and love conquers all. Unfortunately, by that point I had enough. I couldn't keep doing that. It was making me miserable, and this was supposed to be the time of my life! They way I did it was horrible, though. I suggested a break, because of the fighting. It didn't help. Thought it might. I kissed him, saw the pain, and couldn't do it. Like a coward, I ran. I did it over the phone, for Christ's sake. I guess the way it works is that we're supposed to discuss it. I didn't know that.

And now? Now it's been almost three months, and he's still not over me. I've been torturing him these past three months, trying and failing to be a good friend. And now he's gone, out of my life, until he can look at me without feeling anything, or until I want him back. In effect, I've lost a friend. A very good friend. And I'm crying over it.

Don't fall in love with me; you'll regret it. <--story of my life

Death During Texts

There must be some disease that strikes boys that makes them die in the middle of a texting conversation with a girl. Unless, of course, the guy is horny when texting said girl. I’ll have to investigate this theory further, since I’ve only observed it happen twice, but it seems to be the case. One more frequently than the other, though. Four out of five conversations ended in death by the boy, even after attempts by the girl to revive it. Usually the next morning she receives a simple “Sorry” in her inbox if this happens. Usually. Usually the girl will just brush it off, with just a little bit of annoyance. Usually. Usually the girl will try and make excuses. Usually. But seeing as a phone’s primary function is to make calls, and calls have been made three times in a row, she will not make an excuse. Even if the boy’s texts ran out last night after 1:30, which is highly unlikely, he still has the phone. In fact, he still has two phones, and presumably the internet. I would imagine that someone in his house would be so kind as to let him use one of those, if it was already in use. Maybe not, though. I wouldn’t know; I only hear about his mother and occasionally his father.

Speaking of the internet, guess who’s on right now? Stupid boy won’t let me do the ignoring; he’s “offline” via Facebook. I don’t know why he doesn’t want to talk. Maybe he’s embarrassed by the phone conversation the night before. But that doesn’t quite make sense, because he texted before 10 last night to talk. But one would think that an apology would be in the works. Maybe he just doesn’t realize that the one time death hasn’t occurred was when he was horny, but usually an apology would come in some way, shape or form. Until it does, however, this girl will not respond to texts, and is arranging so that she’s out if he decides to call. Because, really, if she’s as special as he claims, and if they’re basically in a relationship, then this needs to stop. For now, to quote Jack Johnson, all she’s doing is “sittin, waitin, wishin”.

Edited to add: The boy didn't run out of texts last night; he just died. Girl received text while with a friend asking her to text him when she got home. She did, and the boy didn't respond again. Girl is now severely annoyed.