Someday You Will be Loved

It's been awhile since I last wrote something. That's mainly because I've had the worst writer's block lately. I have no idea what I'm going to write about today.

This is the first time that I've known how long I'll have alone time, and you know what? I don't really want to have the room to myself. I feel like being social and having fun with my friends. But I can't do that. Tif's at a self defense seminar all day, Lauren's at CPR training or celebrating her six month anniversary, and Tori's at Mounds Park doing archeological things. Jackie's back home with her boyfriend, and I don't really know anyone else that well that I'd like to hang out with.

No one from home is available to talk to, and I don't even think I'd have anything to talk to anyone about since I think I'm getting sick and I'm sleepy. Unfortunately, today is the point in time of being single where you kind of miss being in a relationship. I could've planned out a great day with him, ending in seeing Sharktopus on SyFy (which looks hilarious). Instead, I'm trying to think of things to write about and eventually going to Tif's self-defense seminar. I know I don't need to be in a relationship to be happy (unlike some people), but I'm starting to almost miss it a bit.

I'm at the point where I miss the cuddling. I miss getting a random text message. I miss knowing that at some point in time, someone's probably thinking about me. I miss having someone who wants to be around me. But really, that's about all that I miss about having a relationship/boyfriend.

I don't miss kissing anymore, or anything else that can progress from that. I don't miss trying to fit seeing him into my already stressful and busy schedule. I don't miss having to deal with other girls hitting on him and watching him flirt back. (Though I also miss not getting hit on or eye-f*cked.) I don't miss being frustrated with things he does. I almost don't miss that rush that you get when you're with them. I kind of don't miss being in love.

This is a first for me. I don't want to be in a relationship. I don't want to fall in love. What I want is to go on dates with people. What I want is good conversation. What I want is someone to talk to me with the intent of getting to know me, not getting in my pants. What I want is for someone to give me a hug when I need it, and watch a movie with me. What I want is to explore new interests, either for two people or just for me. What I want is to see someone do something they're passionate about, or hear them talk about it. What I want is adventure, something new to me.

Maybe I do want love then. Maybe that's the type of love I'm looking for. Not the type where you rush into things, and show your love through a physical means. Maybe I want deep, true love, where you're connected not only physically, but emotionally and intellectually.

I don't think I'll find that type of love here. I don't think I should find that type of love here. After my undergrad I'm not going to stay in Indiana. I'll probably go back home, maybe even to New York. So really, what's the point in finding that big love and expecting them to follow me? Especially since most of their family is probably still in Indiana.

But then again, maybe that's what you do when you truly love somebody.

Give it Up (58/90)

Went to a friend's and watched a movie. Slow movie, good story.

The movie was about one woman's journey to get her life back together for her son. It's called Clean. It didn't really make me think. I mean, it was good, but since I've no intentions of doing drugs, I didn't really have anything big come over me. And I'm not a musician, and I don't have a kid I'm trying to be able to be with again.

As I was thinking about something to write about, something did come to me. Is there or has there ever been someone that I would give up something that is such a big part of my life for? I mean, I'm not addicted to anything really, so I don't have anything I rely on to get me through the day.

I guess what I'd have to give up would be writing or reading, especially Harry Potter. Writing actually did get me through some of the toughest times I've had to face. It still does, as I'm sure you've noticed. And it's what I want to do with my life. It's what I'm best at, and I still enjoy doing it. You could say that I'm addicted to writing. There are some days when I just feel like writing, even if I've got nothing in my head.

And I'm sure you've gotten a bit of my obsession with Harry Potter. The series is still my favorite, I still find new things in each reading, and they will probably always be on my bookshelf. So I'm not sure if I could give up Harry or writing for someone I love.

I guess it depends on who it would be. I'm not sure if there's anyone I can depend on to get me through everything as much as I can depend on writing. Harry Potter, yes. I could give up Harry for quite a few of my friends: Margaret, Anna, Tif, Tori, Lauren. It's slightly disconcerting though, to figure out that you'd rather keep Harry Potter in your life then some of the people you used to be really close to.

I wonder if I would've given Harry Potter up for anyone that I was dating. At this point in time I'm not sure if my love for them would surpass my love for Harry Potter, if only because everything has changed between us. There are some that I may not even love anymore, so why give up something I love in order to continue to talk to them? Especially when I would be perfectly fine not to talk to them again.

Honestly, if it were a matter of life or death, I'd put Harry aside. I couldn't be that selfish. I'd just have someone read the books to me or something to that effect. So yes, I could give up Harry Potter for someone. For a few someones. But I'm not sure about writing. Once again, to save a life, yes I would.

But to continue to talk to someone? I'm not sure if I'd have it in me. I think I might be selfish there and keep my writing, lose a friend. Writing has been the only constant in my life; it's been with me since elementary school. I once won a writing contest for a short story that was later performed to the amusement of the school (I was in it, since I wrote it). The only people in my life who have been around for that long is my mother, father, and brother.

And anyway, I figure that I could always write to them and explain everything. I'm sure they'd understand. Imagine giving up your passion and knowing that the thing that gave you the greatest joy would never be available to you again. And you know not what lies ahead. Your passion may have been what helped you through life. I'm not even sure if I could give it up for the love of my life and be at ease with my decision.

Could you give up your passion to be with someone?

Light my Candle (20/90)

Today I did an intense work out to counter the crap I ate yesterday, and (you guessed it) watched more TV.

Tonight's post isn't necessarily something that came about from anything I saw today. It's from a while back, when I was watching Sex and the City, the edited version. It was a question that I've never actually thought about, and I don't remember what the episode was about, so I'm (hopefully) not ripping off any ideas from the actual writers. But Carrie posed the question: if we love someone and then we break up, where does the love go?

As a recently single girl, it's something that's been on my mind almost daily. Generally speaking, it seems that for at least one party, the love stays. At least for awhile. It may take quite some time, but eventually the love goes. But if you're so in love with someone and then you do break up, what caused your feelings to change?

I know that sometimes it's a really big event, like someone cheated or you just aren't compatible. But when the love is slowly dying or disappears altogether, it seems to me that there had to be something else that triggered the change in how you love the person/if you still love them. I know I've had an experience where I just didn't love the person anymore in a romantic way, but I know where that came from. He cheated and lied, and was in love with someone else as well.

But for those of us who haven't done anything like that, and were just being ourselves, the same person that was the object of affection a few weeks prior, the fact that love just suddenly disappears isn't a good enough reason. I've been trying to figure it out for a few weeks now, and I still haven't quite gotten an answer that seems logical.

So the love was dying with him, he says. But does it really ever go away? Can you really only be friends with someone who you were in love with, who you could have actually seen marrying down the line? Or does the love in you just change? Do you confuse it for something else? Are you scared of it? I'm not sure, but it really doesn't seem like something that just happens.

Not only that, but then telling them that the love died but you really did think you had a chance of not only being together for longer, but having a chance to get married seems like there may still be that same love that was dying. Maybe it's like a candle, one of those trick ones. You blow and think that maybe you got the flame to go out, only to have it sprout back again. Maybe that's what happens to the love after you break up. There's only a definite way to put the candle out: water. You have to douse it in something.

Maybe love's like that. You douse it in a poison, like an affair, constant lies, or mistreating them. And a little won't do the trick. You can't sprinkle it on there and expect it to die. If you do it enough, then it will eventually go out. Or if you let it burn long enough. But I've never seen trick candles burn out. It's something to be celebrated, and you can try to blow it out, but the flame will always be there.

I wonder if I've doused his candle or not. Somehow, I'm not convinced I have.

Another One Bites the Dust (10/90)

Today I went job hunting, watched Tough Love Couples, and went out to dinner with a friend. All of these made me think.

Tough Love Couples is a reality TV show. I understand that some, if not most, of it is an act. But it does raise some valid and interesting points. Mainly, though, it lets me feel better about myself. Because I would have the sense to get out before I had to go on TV to fix my relationship. Even if I loved him dearly. Some of these girls seem to have some sort of class, so I don't understand A) why they're on the show and B) why they're with some of these guys.

There's the stereotypical guido, Mario. He's also a musclehead who thinks with his muscles or his penis, not his brain. None of the guys are attractive. One of them spends more time on his hair then himself. One couple was engaged, but the guy called it off because he wasn't ready. And it seems like a big chunk of the problems these couples face are caused by the guys. The girls are the ones who brought them on the show.

This isn't a new trend, though. On all the guilty pleasure shows I watch where the couples are struggling, it seems like the women are the ones trying to work through it, and the guys either have no desire to change or don't realize that they're tools. And I'm seeing it reflected in all of my relationships as well.

I know I'm not perfect. I know I have things to work on. But even when the relationships were ended by the guy, we still had issues that were caused by him. This isn't me being bitter or anything. I can't get any of their opinions on things right now, so this is just my side of the story. PJ: dumped me because we were moving too fast. But he was the one who was making it that way. Among other problems that will stay in my brain for the night.
Nick: didn't really try to stay together. Pretty sure he was only in it for the physical.
Zack: was still in love with Kimmie. He didn't mature at the same rate as I did, and that caused communication problems. We're both stubborn.
Jose: was too immature. And we just weren't compatible (so this isn't really his fault)
Dave: wants a relationship from two, almost three years ago. Doesn't think that you have to work at love. Got to know me too well in seven months. And attributes a lot more to his depression than is warranted, and does nothing to help his depression.

And for me, in all these relationships: I've had jealousy issues, as I've mentioned before in other posts. I do get clingy if I think something's wrong and I can't fix it immediately. I have a temper. And I've lowered my expectations for all of them, so I get angry when they can't even fulfill the lowered expectations.

But I am the common factor in all these relationships. So am I just bad at relationships? Have I lowered my expectations too much? Or do I go for the wrong guy? I've been told I deserve better than all of these ex-boyfriends, so it could be that I, like the women on Tough Love Couples, go for the wrong guys. So why are we settling?

We love them. As stupid as they can be, as frustrating as our situations are, we still love them. And at least they have a chance to work through their problems, if their partners are willing. Mine just gave up once the love seemed less. I don't even know if we tried to work on anything. It doesn't seem that way from my end, but I may have forgotten. Unless we're talking about his depression. And his trust issues. So it really does go back to him.

It seems like I'm really not that different than these women on Tough Love Couples. Why did I settle? And why haven't I realized that I need to stop?

What is Love?

Baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more. Yes, that's the first thing that pops into my mind, because I'm almost always listening to music. There's always a song playing in my head. But that's really not the point of today's entry. Really, though, what is love?

People say it's undefinable, it's incredible. It can make you go crazy, literally. It's the best feeling in the world. It causes you the worst pain you'll ever experience. We have all these descriptions for it, but no one actually gets around to defining it. According to dictionary.com, love is "a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person." That's the best definition we get? The words seem to be lacking with what people actually feel in their hearts. That may be why we leave the process of describing and defining love to poets and writers. They know each word has been chosen for a purpose, and that this purpose is to convey what love truly is. Some of the best work has been from the most tormented souls. Some of my best work has come from a place I'm scared to visit again. But we generally only see the bad side of love through them.

Love should be celebrated. It's the reason some people live, a driving force behind what they do each day. More often than not, we want to know about the positive, to know that the love we feel is not for naught, but that it's actually worth something and will continue to benefit us. We like to see the happy endings in movies and TV shows and in books. We like reading that they live "happily ever after." Why? Because for half the nation, we don't get "happily ever after."

That's right, 50% of American marriages end in divorce. Why? Did they not love each other? Did they get married too young? Was it just puppy love? Is there really anything such as "irreconcilable differences," or are some people just too lazy to try and work through problems?

Or does our society continually get confused with "love" and "lust"? We believe they mean the same thing, but they really don't. Love is something you have with a person, after getting to know them on a deeply personal level. Love is being content just to spend five minutes with the person. Love is wanting to sit in silence with them, just to be in their presence. Love is doing something for them because you want them to be happy. Love is knowing that you would rather tear your own heart out than cause them pain. And love is leaving them behind when they ask, just because you care for their happiness just as much as your own, even if you're not with them.

Lust is purely sensual and physical. You can lust after someone you've met on the street. Many people do this. People lust after celebrities left and right. Even though these fans believe they love this person, they don't. They may love the idea of the person they've built up in their head, but more often than not people look much better on paper than they do in person.

I've been in the position to experience both, on multiple occasions. While most of the love I've encountered has been of the puppy variety, I still have been able to tell the difference between what I believed was love and what was lust. And lust is easily identifiable for the other person. Lust is that desire to just give in to your animal instincts, to be with the person to satisfy the deeper urge of your body. Lust starts in your genitals. Love is different. Love starts from your core, not your genitals. Love makes you want to be a better person so you can get closer to the ideal you. Love is spontaneously kissing them in the middle of the street. Love requires a certain amount of lust in order to make love, however. You cannot completely separate the two in that instance.

While many relationships have elements of both, the thing that makes a love a true love is what I've described, at least in my own experience. I've been in puppy love four times, with three different people. I've had the lusting experience twice. And I think I may now have reached that point I've described, about being content to sit with them in silence for five minutes, to have your love start in your core, and to stay up at night missing them next to you because you sleep better with them near.

Love may be painful, it may cause many sleepless nights, and it may be extremely difficult to live through. Lust may be instantly gratifying, easier to separate yourself from, and a rush. But I'd take love over lust any day.

Life and Love and Why

There's no real reason why I blatantly stole the title of this from a Switchfoot song, besides for the fact that that's the one that supposedly describes my life (I've never heard it), and it's a catchy little title. Sums up what this is all about.

People live. People love. Is there a why to it all? Why are we here? Why do we live? Why do we love? Why do we love someone so deeply, and then tear it all away in the blink of an eye? Why let them live with the remnants of our love, constantly torturing them because to be friends would make us feel good? And when we finally can look them in the eye and see the extent we hurt them, why can't we fix it?

Why did I leave him? I gave him lots of reasons-college, cheating, growth, maturity. There were few I left out-I didn't love him anymore. I just realized it one day, but I could feel it happening. There were signs-I didn't feel sparks when I kissed him goodbye, when I left for the ever-dreaded college. I couldn't be as intimate. My thoughts kept wandering. It was strained between us. He didn't see it, though. He thought he could fix it. There was no way he could, unless he changed with me. He can't see that when you actually leave for college instead of going to a community college, people change a lot.

He was living in his own head, his own make believe world that was perfect. Sure, we fought every day, but we loved each other, and love conquers all. Unfortunately, by that point I had enough. I couldn't keep doing that. It was making me miserable, and this was supposed to be the time of my life! They way I did it was horrible, though. I suggested a break, because of the fighting. It didn't help. Thought it might. I kissed him, saw the pain, and couldn't do it. Like a coward, I ran. I did it over the phone, for Christ's sake. I guess the way it works is that we're supposed to discuss it. I didn't know that.

And now? Now it's been almost three months, and he's still not over me. I've been torturing him these past three months, trying and failing to be a good friend. And now he's gone, out of my life, until he can look at me without feeling anything, or until I want him back. In effect, I've lost a friend. A very good friend. And I'm crying over it.

Don't fall in love with me; you'll regret it. <--story of my life