Obligatory Thanksgiving post coming up.
This is the first Thanksgiving in three years that I've been able to celebrate in my own house. Senior year (2007), my grandmother passed a few days before, so we were in Marion arranging her funeral. Freshman year (2008) we were in Ft Wayne with my mom's side of the family, since it was the first year anniversary of Mimi's death. Last year we were in Ohio, once again with my mom's side. But this year I get to celebrate the holidays with my family and friends, some of whom I consider my second family. I'm thankful for that.
I could sit here and write out the other things I'm thankful for, like the fact that my immediate family is still here, how my friends have stuck through my life, the opportunities I've had, and things like that. But that's what almost everyone else who is listing what they're thankful for is doing. I am truly thankful for all of the above, but this year there's something I'm thankful for that I've not been thankful for in a long time, if not ever.
Me.
I'm not trying to sound selfish or conceited, but I'm thankful for Dayna. Since I grew out of the phase of "everyone's my friend," I've also left behind that idea of being content with who I am. I've always felt the need to improve myself. I wanted to be one of the cool kids in elementary school, so I did everything they did and threw a tantrum when I couldn't be for some reason or other.
I tried to be like my best friends in middle school, since they seemed to have this sense of self-worth that I was lacking. And in high school, I tried to be the girl that someone, somewhere wanted to be with. But I was never trying to be someone I wanted to be. I was always trying to improve myself so that maybe, if everyone else liked me, then I could like me.
High school was the worst period of self-loathing, for lack of a better term. While I didn't really hate myself, I didn't really want to be me, either. And it seemed like constantly, no one else really minded if I were me or someone else, so long as I was there to listen to their problems and help them out. I did whatever I could think of to change myself into someone I liked, but it didn't really work. So I focused on being the girl that the boys I was interested in liked. As I've written before, I got my self-esteem from them.
And then college hit, and I was on my own. I had to be a person that I was going to rely on, because I had no one else with me to look out for me. I'm not sure if I changed into a better person over these past two and a half years, or if I just started to accept who I am, but I honestly think I started to change.
This past summer is the one I'm most thankful for, because this summer was the one that I started to like me. If you've stuck with me, you know what happened. If not, suffice it to say that I worked on things I've never confronted and came out with a different view of myself and my life.
So this Thanksgiving, I'm thankful that I'm the person I am today. Though it's taken me a good chunk of time to reach this place, I know that at least one person is thankful for the person I am today. Which is perfectly fine for me. If no one else is thankful for the person I've become, then they haven't really wanted the best for me.
My gratuitous post is now done.
Showing posts with label Me. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Me. Show all posts
Friday, November 26, 2010
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
What Makes You Different
I think I've missed two weekends of updating this. And the main reason is because I couldn't think of anything to write about. Sure, I've been a bit busier lately, but I haven't had anything really on my mind.
I'm not even sure why this particular remark stuck with me, but it's been there since she said it. I was talking to one of my friends who I met this year at work, and she said that I have a strong personality and it balances out with someone I'm interested in. And I've never been told I have a strong personality. It was a weird experience.
If you've taken the time to read any other entries (especially from over the summer with my 90 in 90 challenge), then you can see that I haven't had a strong personality for awhile. In fact, part of the reason why I think I have a "strong" personality is because of all the writing I did over the summer for this blog, and all the things I allowed myself to learn about life and, well, me.
I've been told that I'm a strong person before, on multiple occasions. I've dealt with some things internally that many people have issues dealing with even if they have others helping them. Not only did I get through those times, but I learned from them as well. My friends have praised me on how I've handled myself in spite of all of this. But no one who has just met me knows any of this.
So it was really weird for her to tell me that I've got a strong personality. The reason I had to be a "strong" person was because of my personality. I was a people pleaser. Not only that, but I was also a hopeless romantic who believed that if we loved each other, nothing else would matter. I thought that having that one and only was the biggest thing in my life to make me happy, and to make me valuable.
I relied too heavily on what the opposite sex thought about me. I gained my validation from them - how I felt about my appearance, how I felt about myself, and how I could keep those feelings coming. My personality traits that make me a strong personality right now were always silenced if they differed too heavily from whoever I was with or trying for. As a result, I was pretty much used and walked over for a few years.
I started to realize it sometime last year, and I started to allow certain traits to come out more. I was probably most myself in a relationship with Dave than I had been with anyone else, but that doesn't mean that I allowed everything to be seen by him. There were still things about me that he didn't see, mainly because I decided to keep those to myself. Granted, there were very few, but there were still some.
And then this summer happened, and I decided that enough was enough. I don't want to have to pretend or hide things about myself so that another guy can decide if he likes me or not, and then end up feeling like shit when everything ended. So that's where that summer came in. I worked through things and came out on the other side as a strong personality, I guess.
I was talking to someone else I met this year, and he was surprised when I said I wasn't nearly this confident last year. I take it to mean that I achieved my goal from the summer. Not only am I more confident, but I have a strong personality. I'm not as afraid to initially be myself around a guy I'm interested in. I've started to speak up about things that I do or don't want, and (to a lesser extent) things that bug me.
And I'm not that hopeless romantic who believes that finding that one true love will result in complete happiness. And my confidence does not need to come from some male telling me that he loves me. I don't need to be in a relationship to be happy; in fact, I've had a lot of fun being single. I think I've also started to approach things much more rationally and level-headed.
Which means that I think that lofty idea of the summer of change actually worked. Well done.
I'm not even sure why this particular remark stuck with me, but it's been there since she said it. I was talking to one of my friends who I met this year at work, and she said that I have a strong personality and it balances out with someone I'm interested in. And I've never been told I have a strong personality. It was a weird experience.
If you've taken the time to read any other entries (especially from over the summer with my 90 in 90 challenge), then you can see that I haven't had a strong personality for awhile. In fact, part of the reason why I think I have a "strong" personality is because of all the writing I did over the summer for this blog, and all the things I allowed myself to learn about life and, well, me.
I've been told that I'm a strong person before, on multiple occasions. I've dealt with some things internally that many people have issues dealing with even if they have others helping them. Not only did I get through those times, but I learned from them as well. My friends have praised me on how I've handled myself in spite of all of this. But no one who has just met me knows any of this.
So it was really weird for her to tell me that I've got a strong personality. The reason I had to be a "strong" person was because of my personality. I was a people pleaser. Not only that, but I was also a hopeless romantic who believed that if we loved each other, nothing else would matter. I thought that having that one and only was the biggest thing in my life to make me happy, and to make me valuable.
I relied too heavily on what the opposite sex thought about me. I gained my validation from them - how I felt about my appearance, how I felt about myself, and how I could keep those feelings coming. My personality traits that make me a strong personality right now were always silenced if they differed too heavily from whoever I was with or trying for. As a result, I was pretty much used and walked over for a few years.
I started to realize it sometime last year, and I started to allow certain traits to come out more. I was probably most myself in a relationship with Dave than I had been with anyone else, but that doesn't mean that I allowed everything to be seen by him. There were still things about me that he didn't see, mainly because I decided to keep those to myself. Granted, there were very few, but there were still some.
And then this summer happened, and I decided that enough was enough. I don't want to have to pretend or hide things about myself so that another guy can decide if he likes me or not, and then end up feeling like shit when everything ended. So that's where that summer came in. I worked through things and came out on the other side as a strong personality, I guess.
I was talking to someone else I met this year, and he was surprised when I said I wasn't nearly this confident last year. I take it to mean that I achieved my goal from the summer. Not only am I more confident, but I have a strong personality. I'm not as afraid to initially be myself around a guy I'm interested in. I've started to speak up about things that I do or don't want, and (to a lesser extent) things that bug me.
And I'm not that hopeless romantic who believes that finding that one true love will result in complete happiness. And my confidence does not need to come from some male telling me that he loves me. I don't need to be in a relationship to be happy; in fact, I've had a lot of fun being single. I think I've also started to approach things much more rationally and level-headed.
Which means that I think that lofty idea of the summer of change actually worked. Well done.
Friday, July 30, 2010
In the End (90/90)
I just got back from getting my dad at the airport.
Today's the last of the 90 in 90 challenge. I had an idea for where I wanted this to go back on day 30-ish. I wanted to pick selections of my favorite posts and lay it out for you, dear reader. I wanted you to know what my favorite ideas were that I had, or what were my favorite bits of writing. I wanted to let you know why I felt that way.
But instead of doing that, I have another thing to blog about. One last blog for the 90. And it kind of is a summary of my past entries, but also a new idea I had been playing around with for a bit. Throughout this whole challenge I've used the word "I" so many times. I understand it's my blog and my opinions on life.
But what about when I step away from the blog, and start to interact with the world? What about when I talk to my friends? I noticed that not only were most of my blog posts filled with "I's" and "me's," but most of my conversations with my friends were as well. Granted, most of my conversations this summer have been trying to give friends advice on their situations, and the way that I can do that is by drawing on my past experiences.
Even when trying to catch up with people, I noticed that when I tried to talk about other peoples' lives, somehow I'd get off on a tangent, even if it was just a simple "I understand." Since I've been conscious of it, I've tried to restrain myself from doing that. I don't like jumping into a conversation and dominating it with my life stories, especially if someone has a problem they want to talk about.
When you do that, though, it allows the other person you're talking to dominate the conversation for their own purposes. Some people don't notice this, and many will change the topic when they realize what they were doing. But there have been a few people I know who never acknowledged it. Those people don't really talk to me anymore.
One of the best ways I think I can show how much we are more concerned with the "I" than with others is Facebook. I've noticed that probably 98% of my friends on Facebook will comment on a picture that they are in and skip over ones they aren't in, even if they are located in the same album. I try not to do that, and think that I've succeeded in that endeavor. The only way to get peoples' attention to a picture they're not in is by putting it as your profile picture.
So that's the end of being concerned over "me" and how many times I use the word daily, especially in posts. I'm going to wrap up this 90 now.
The purpose of the challenge was to write once a day for 90 days to get you in the habit of writing and to make you a better writer. And I've gotten in the habit of writing daily, but I don't think I've improved as a writer. I think that maybe the first month was good, and after that I had some good days, but mainly mediocre days.
I think once I decided to start opening up about my break up and how I was dealing with things, this blog started to become more like a diary, but I wasn't sure how to get away from the diary feel. I knew that I didn't really have a consistent theme for this blog. I knew I wanted it to be my thoughts and interests, and I have many different ones.
I've noticed that I like starting my paragraphs with either "and" or "but," and if I'm not paying attention I'll do it two or three paragraphs in a row. I've noticed that I really like parallel structure. I've noticed that I've gotten away from the passive voice, something I've been struggling with for years. I've noticed that I now write shorter paragraphs in my short stories.
So maybe I've become a better writer in the fact that now I'm picking up more things about my writing that I hadn't before this blog, and know what I need to work on in the future.
Don't worry, dear reader. This blog will still exist. It'll probably go back to the way it was before the 90, with a weekly post. If you've stuck with me until the end, then I hope you enjoyed your journey.
Today's the last of the 90 in 90 challenge. I had an idea for where I wanted this to go back on day 30-ish. I wanted to pick selections of my favorite posts and lay it out for you, dear reader. I wanted you to know what my favorite ideas were that I had, or what were my favorite bits of writing. I wanted to let you know why I felt that way.
But instead of doing that, I have another thing to blog about. One last blog for the 90. And it kind of is a summary of my past entries, but also a new idea I had been playing around with for a bit. Throughout this whole challenge I've used the word "I" so many times. I understand it's my blog and my opinions on life.
But what about when I step away from the blog, and start to interact with the world? What about when I talk to my friends? I noticed that not only were most of my blog posts filled with "I's" and "me's," but most of my conversations with my friends were as well. Granted, most of my conversations this summer have been trying to give friends advice on their situations, and the way that I can do that is by drawing on my past experiences.
Even when trying to catch up with people, I noticed that when I tried to talk about other peoples' lives, somehow I'd get off on a tangent, even if it was just a simple "I understand." Since I've been conscious of it, I've tried to restrain myself from doing that. I don't like jumping into a conversation and dominating it with my life stories, especially if someone has a problem they want to talk about.
When you do that, though, it allows the other person you're talking to dominate the conversation for their own purposes. Some people don't notice this, and many will change the topic when they realize what they were doing. But there have been a few people I know who never acknowledged it. Those people don't really talk to me anymore.
One of the best ways I think I can show how much we are more concerned with the "I" than with others is Facebook. I've noticed that probably 98% of my friends on Facebook will comment on a picture that they are in and skip over ones they aren't in, even if they are located in the same album. I try not to do that, and think that I've succeeded in that endeavor. The only way to get peoples' attention to a picture they're not in is by putting it as your profile picture.
So that's the end of being concerned over "me" and how many times I use the word daily, especially in posts. I'm going to wrap up this 90 now.
The purpose of the challenge was to write once a day for 90 days to get you in the habit of writing and to make you a better writer. And I've gotten in the habit of writing daily, but I don't think I've improved as a writer. I think that maybe the first month was good, and after that I had some good days, but mainly mediocre days.
I think once I decided to start opening up about my break up and how I was dealing with things, this blog started to become more like a diary, but I wasn't sure how to get away from the diary feel. I knew that I didn't really have a consistent theme for this blog. I knew I wanted it to be my thoughts and interests, and I have many different ones.
I've noticed that I like starting my paragraphs with either "and" or "but," and if I'm not paying attention I'll do it two or three paragraphs in a row. I've noticed that I really like parallel structure. I've noticed that I've gotten away from the passive voice, something I've been struggling with for years. I've noticed that I now write shorter paragraphs in my short stories.
So maybe I've become a better writer in the fact that now I'm picking up more things about my writing that I hadn't before this blog, and know what I need to work on in the future.
Don't worry, dear reader. This blog will still exist. It'll probably go back to the way it was before the 90, with a weekly post. If you've stuck with me until the end, then I hope you enjoyed your journey.
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