The Man Who Can't Be Moved

Well, it's finals week. Last week was swamped with things to do, from Tuesday night on. It wasn't fun, work-wise. But now it's good. I get to relax today and some of tomorrow. But onto writing things. Things that I don't really know what to write about. I've been going for so long that I don't really have anything in my head to write about.

We've had TBS on the TV while we've been studying. Mainly Friends. And it's been getting me thinking about my own friends, and my life. We're going to get an apartment next year, which means we'll be more on our own than we have been at college so far. We have to get furniture, pay rent, and cook. Oh good lord, cooking. That's an interesting thought. And then I'll be farther from campus, which should be interesting. But we get our own apartment.

And then what about next year? The last year I'll be on campus. The last year I'll be in Muncie, and probably living in Indiana. I know it's a year away, but for some reason I keep thinking about it. I have no idea where I'm going to end up. A lot of people are talking about going to grad school, but I really don't know why I'd go, or where I'd end up for that matter. I kind of wanna just go and jump into work already, or go to fashion/dance/photography/culinary school. Go do something I have an interest in and no background whatsoever.

The only reason I'd be going to grad school would be because I like being a student and have nothing else to do with my life. But really, I'm kind of sick of school and just want to get on with my life. I'm still very reliant on my parents, and I kind of want to start going on my own. But that's what the apartment will be for next year.

But I don't even know why I'm thinking about graduation when I don't have any idea where I'm going to intern this summer. That's what I should really be focusing on, but my mind keeps jumping to even further in the future. And I think it's mostly about my future relationships.

I don't really want to leave my friends behind, but I'm afraid that it'll happen when I go back home. It's already hard enough to keep in touch with a lot of them, and I'm afraid that when I go home it'll be even harder. I don't want to think like that, but I don't want to lose them. I've got a whole year and a half though, to change things and figure them all out. But I want to stay friends with everyone, kind of like in Friends. But more importantly, I want them to be like in Sex and the City. The four friends who stick together through everything well into their 30's. Weekly brunches and things like that.

I think I've been thinking too much, because I've even been thinking about people that I've just met, and how things will play out in the future. I've already become incredibly attached to this school, these people, my job, and this year in general. It makes me incredibly sad to think that because I'm just one state over, I won't be close to the people who have become my second family at school. So I guess I'll try and keep things the way they are with some, and improve them greatly for the rest.

*This has kind of been a throwaway post*

What Makes You Different

I think I've missed two weekends of updating this. And the main reason is because I couldn't think of anything to write about. Sure, I've been a bit busier lately, but I haven't had anything really on my mind.

I'm not even sure why this particular remark stuck with me, but it's been there since she said it. I was talking to one of my friends who I met this year at work, and she said that I have a strong personality and it balances out with someone I'm interested in. And I've never been told I have a strong personality. It was a weird experience.

If you've taken the time to read any other entries (especially from over the summer with my 90 in 90 challenge), then you can see that I haven't had a strong personality for awhile. In fact, part of the reason why I think I have a "strong" personality is because of all the writing I did over the summer for this blog, and all the things I allowed myself to learn about life and, well, me.

I've been told that I'm a strong person before, on multiple occasions. I've dealt with some things internally that many people have issues dealing with even if they have others helping them. Not only did I get through those times, but I learned from them as well. My friends have praised me on how I've handled myself in spite of all of this. But no one who has just met me knows any of this.

So it was really weird for her to tell me that I've got a strong personality. The reason I had to be a "strong" person was because of my personality. I was a people pleaser. Not only that, but I was also a hopeless romantic who believed that if we loved each other, nothing else would matter. I thought that having that one and only was the biggest thing in my life to make me happy, and to make me valuable.

I relied too heavily on what the opposite sex thought about me. I gained my validation from them - how I felt about my appearance, how I felt about myself, and how I could keep those feelings coming. My personality traits that make me a strong personality right now were always silenced if they differed too heavily from whoever I was with or trying for. As a result, I was pretty much used and walked over for a few years.

I started to realize it sometime last year, and I started to allow certain traits to come out more. I was probably most myself in a relationship with Dave than I had been with anyone else, but that doesn't mean that I allowed everything to be seen by him. There were still things about me that he didn't see, mainly because I decided to keep those to myself. Granted, there were very few, but there were still some.

And then this summer happened, and I decided that enough was enough. I don't want to have to pretend or hide things about myself so that another guy can decide if he likes me or not, and then end up feeling like shit when everything ended. So that's where that summer came in. I worked through things and came out on the other side as a strong personality, I guess.

I was talking to someone else I met this year, and he was surprised when I said I wasn't nearly this confident last year. I take it to mean that I achieved my goal from the summer. Not only am I more confident, but I have a strong personality. I'm not as afraid to initially be myself around a guy I'm interested in. I've started to speak up about things that I do or don't want, and (to a lesser extent) things that bug me.

And I'm not that hopeless romantic who believes that finding that one true love will result in complete happiness. And my confidence does not need to come from some male telling me that he loves me. I don't need to be in a relationship to be happy; in fact, I've had a lot of fun being single. I think I've also started to approach things much more rationally and level-headed.

Which means that I think that lofty idea of the summer of change actually worked. Well done.

Strangers Like Me

Things are finally slowing down a bit over here, so I might be back on a weekly schedule to update this! In case you were wondering, the rock wall is still fun to work at, though we've had a lot less traffic. I do admit it is a bit nice to not feel so rushed and swamped, but it's a bit quiet in there sometimes.

I realized something this weekend, after both working at the wall all weekend and catching up with Dave. The only males I'm close to and comfortable talking to for prolonged periods of time are those I've dated. I've got plenty of male friends, but I don't confide in them. If I tell them something, then about five other friends know what I'm thinking about as well.

I'm not really sure why I do that, especially since two of the three dumped me, and those were painful break ups. I guess maybe since we shared something that I don't share with everyone makes me more willing to open up to them. Or maybe I just really like the familiar. Even that doesn't make sense, though. I've known some of my other male friends for just as long, if not longer than some of my exes, and I have no desire to confide in them.

It could be because the last guy I was close to, I ended up dating for over a year (Zack). We were friends for a good year before we started dating, and most of my male friends now have a girlfriend. It could be just because I've never really had a lot of male friends.

Or I just might not trust someone from the opposite sex unless I can trust them enough to date them. I think this one makes the most sense, especially considering my summer discussions with another guy. I had never dated him, but it felt like we both wanted to and were separated by four hours. I started to confide in him a bit, and in turn he did with me. Somewhere down the line he just wanted me for sex, but that doesn't really matter. The point is that if I can see myself kissing them and maybe dating them, then I trust them.

Which is weird, because the only time I've gotten hurt by a male is if I were dating him. I can't date my female friends, so I just trust them after they've proven they can be trustworthy. But as a guy, they have to take that extra step to gain more than basic trust. And I'm not even sure what that extra step is supposed to be.

Maybe I should work on that.

Anytime You Need a Friend (81/90)

Darn, I got home 12 minutes later than I wanted for this post.

The reason for my tardiness is because I was at Anna's house, jumping on her trampoline and sitting around a fire. It was the usual suspects: Anna, Krista, Chelsea, Brendan, Brandon, and myself. We've been dubbed "The Disney Group," and make a point to try and get together every time we're home. Usually there's Smash Bros. involved. Over the summers there's a lake house trip. We've been doing this for four years now.

The reason we're "The Disney Group" is because we all got to know each other in Disney. During my junior year, the top three jazz bands at Neuqua got to go to Walt Disney World to participate in a jazz clinic. They invite bands from around the country to come in, play with professionals, perform in a restaurant, and tour the grounds. Neuqua has made this a tradition to go every two years, I believe, and I was lucky enough to try out for jazz that year.

I had already known Brendan through mutual friends of ours, and we were pretty close before this. I knew Krista from marching band, and Brandon from PJ. I was finally in a band where I felt appreciated. Not only was I in one of the top three bands, but I was also first tenor. Which meant that I got a lot of the solos written in my part, and I couldn't switch around. My band director was my favorite, and I was happy every jazz practice.

Chelsea was in my section, and Anna was on piano. When it came time for room sign ups, I found out there were only 7 girls going. Since I knew Krista and got along with her, I decided to room with her. Chelsea, being the only freshman at the time, didn't have anyone to room with and asked to join us. So we were the room of three girls. I didn't know the other girls very well; they were in different bands through school or from choir.

I was nervous to go to Disney, not only because I would have a solo, but also because there weren't too many people I'd know. But on the bus ride to the airport that President's Day weekend, Krista, Chelsea, Brendan, and I started talking a lot. I got to know them, and genuinely liked them. My nerves were leaving me.

I stuck around Krista, Chelsea, and Brendan. I had a crush on Nick, who was also on the trip and friends with Brendan. I met Anna through the girls Nick was friends with, and Anna slowly disengaged herself from that group and toured the parks with us. Brandon, being one of Brendan's best friends, also walked with us. I got to know them all a lot better and quicker than I would have in jazz practices.

That weekend is still one of my favorite weekends of my life, not just of high school. I met a great group of friends and got a break from the drama that was going on at home. I had an escape from the mess with PJ, and I didn't have to deal with Zack at the time. All I had to worry about was getting everywhere on time, and not screwing up my solo. And I met an amazing group of people.

We all have different personalities. Brandon never misses an opportunity to poke fun at anyone, especially Anna. Brendan might be one of the sweetest guys I've ever met. Chelsea, being the youngest, is the most naive, but brings a freshness to the group. Krista is calm, cool, and collected. Anna carries herself with poise and has a thirst to live. And there's me, the quiet observer who tries to throw her two cents in when she thinks it's relevant.

Even though we really don't talk during the school year, since we're all in different places in our lives and schools, I know that every summer nothing will have changed. Sure, we'll have new stories to tell each other, new events in our lives to catch up on, but in the end all we really want to do is sit around a fire, roast some marshmallows, and enjoy each others' company.

And then kill each other in Smash Bros.

Friends (30/90)

So today I woke up, ready for a day of settling down with my family in front of the TV and meeting a friend for brunch.

At about 4, I hear the doorbell ring. And guess who's there? Lauren, Tori, Bill, and Brittany. They drove all the way here to bring me some fudge and brownies and hang out for awhile. I was completely and utterly surprised. And you know what we did? Sat around and watched Star Wars. I love my friends.

I really don't have anything to blog about. I'm extremely happy right now. I've never had a surprise this big before. They drove at least three hours to come here and see me. I hear they got lost for a bit too. And it was a last minute thing, too. They just left, and have a few more hours of night driving before they can sleep.

The only thing I wish that was different was if I had more for them to do. But they seemed to enjoy themselves, and I know I was happy they stopped by. I'm still pretty amazed at the fact that they were here. No one's ever really sprung a visit on me like that. Honestly, I think I may have started tearing up.

I really do love my friends. They're my family I got to choose.

Play the Game (22/90)

Shopping was on the agenda today, and a lot of texting my friends. Sometimes I feel like my blogs are eerily like Carrie Bradshaw's columns, but that might just be me being conceited and wishful.

It's funny how money and competition drive us as people. Another guilty pleasure of my reality TV repertoire is The Real World/Road Rules Challenge. The one that's on now is Fresh Meat 2, and this one is so that the 30-somethings can slowly cycle out of competition, basically. There's a lot of drama, booze, and sex on the show, which is probably what makes it entertaining.

I like the challenges sometimes. They sound interesting and watching the attempts are amusing, since usually people don't always finish the challenges or figure out what they need to do in order to win. There's generally about a 15% success rate, I'd say. And then the underdog usually pulls it out.

Lately it's been getting rather redundant with the people who have been winning. I haven't seen this week's episode yet, though, and I think that something changed with it. But the competition isn't the reason why I watch it when I find out that there's a new season of the challenge. I've watched sporadically, so I know the personalities of a lot of the returning challenge members. And there's always someone who drinks too much and gets in trouble with their mouth.

There's always people who are attracted to each other, and get in a "relationship" that later makes them choose between their lover and their drive to win the prize money in the end. It makes for good TV, and good drama to watch. Not only that, but there's usually alliances formed very early in the game, and watching them grow and betray each other progresses the show.

But this past season Real World best friends ended up betraying each other. They have known each other for a few years, and one of the alliance leaders decided that for the good of the alliance he should throw his friend under the bus. It's amazing to me how quickly relationships can break down when there's a potential threat of not having an easy shot at winning $100,000.

We are amazingly greedy people, and this show exploits it. It shows us that we'll do almost anything for money. Hold our breaths in freezing cold water, betray friends, pretend to be interested in someone to further your chances. Basically we're willing to use people and exploit any means necessary to win $100,000 without doing much of anything.

And in the end, when the friend was sent home, he wasn't angry about his betrayal. He decided that it was just a game, and apparently at that time the game was more important than his friendship. Now, I'm pretty sure if that happened to me, best friend or just good friend, that I'd be pretty angry, especially if I went home.

Maybe the other people in this alliance will see that they're not safe either, and that the alliance will throw anyone in to save their own asses. Just like how everyone is willing to pin the blame on someone else if something starts going horribly wrong. And the game is going strong. These people still go back on the show, knowing that there's a good chance they'll get stabbed in the back and won't win this money. There's a good chance they'll expend all this energy and end up not winning anything.

But I guess the idea of winning $100,000 is more important for a few weeks than maintaining friendships. I hope I never get that way.

My Happy Ending (4/90)

Pretty sure I'm brain dead to writing. And I don't really have a topic for tonight. We'll see how this goes.

It's the end of the semester. Time to move on, leave all the shit at the door, enjoy your summer, and after a well-deserved three month break, come back and do it all over again. I welcome the summer. I love my friends, and even some of my classes, but I need a break from them. I haven't been home since January, and I miss my high school friends. I miss my family. I miss my dog. I miss my bed. I miss being able to cry if I want to, when I want to.

But before I can go home, I have to take these things called finals. Time to dump all the shit you've learned onto a piece of paper, or spend hours working on a project that won't be remembered in two weeks. Most of my week is spent trying to write, getting going for about a half an hour, and getting distracted by doing something else (usually involving Sex and the City). Then I realize what's happened, and decide to be productive by filling out job applications. Eventually I make my way back to writing. At night, I remember that I have a final the next morning, so I cram.

Most of it's pointless. I finished my history final in about 7 minutes. 70 questions. It was memorization. My economics of media final was the review sheet, with a few extra questions added. Tomorrow will be my last test, my lecture portion of fitness final. I've hardly reviewed. I'll forget the history by next week (if not already), the econ's already gone, and what I didn't already know from health, I'll forget eventually. So the writing's where it's at this week of finals.

And I don't want to write. Because it's mostly editing now, and I can't for the life of me figure out what works and what doesn't after spending so much time on them. But at least my other assignment, the one that's due at 5PM and I haven't started yet, should be an easy assignment. Write a fiction story about how the U.S. royally screwed Latin America. It's my own choosing. Eliminates the research aspect, and will easily carry me past the 4 page minimum.

So that's the first thing on my agenda tomorrow, after my fitness final. Then back to editing. And then, I'm done. The school part is over. All that's left is to resolve things with people. Finish Sex and the City with Tif. Eat Chinese food for the last time in this room. Wear a dress/skirt, just because we can. Go to the last fencing practice. Hand over the food I'm collecting for people since my appetite's grown considerably smaller. Stay up late. Stay out late. Watch one more childhood memory come to life on the screen, Pokemon or otherwise.

And then finish things with boys. Leave the one who would never have worked out behind. I don't have any more classes with him. Today was the last day to talk to him, or even see him. And I got nothing: no head nod, no smile, no acknowledgment. Cements in my mind what I had a feeling about, and I'm glad I didn't go down that path. But he's somehow stuck with me. Maybe it's just because he was more upfront about what he wanted than what I'm used to. Maybe it's because I want to do something completely different. Maybe it's because I'm still reeling.

But I don't think I'm still reeling because I miss Dave. I think I've gotten to the point where I miss what we had more than I miss him. I miss the feeling. I don't think about him and cry anymore, I think about certain instances when I was truly happy and tear up. That's not to say that I'm completely over him, or over it; I know I don't move on that fast. But I think I'm in a place that I can initiate a re-building of a friendship before I leave.

I think it's something I need to do. My close friends say they admire me for how strong I am. Now I guess I have to prove it to myself.

The Space Between

Sitting in my room at midnight during Spring Break, talking to two people who I haven't seen since Christmas and probably won't until May, I heave a sigh. So many people have come and gone in my life, and I'm facing the ever-dreaded parting of the ways. The distance between everyone who was so close in high school. Empty promises are made left and right, with the intention of never following through. You look at someone you used to tell your secrets to, not knowing what's going on in their life. You find out how they're doing through Facebook. Hell, you forget where they are, and when you do see them, or they take the leap of faith and try to contact you, you check their profile to make sure you get the name of the school they're at correct.

Fake smiles abound. You're not that happy to see them, you just think that's how you should feel, that's what they're expecting to see. You don't try and keep in contact with them, nor they with you. They said going to college would be like this, and I knew it to be true, I just hoped that there would be more contact between some people than on universal vacations. Some of my friends, I'm disappointed in. Others, I didn't have hope for. Always excited when we get to hang out, the great divide is felt. After catching the other up with all the goings-on in our lives, we can't really relate. Those who stayed behind are those most eager to see "the ones who got away," to see what it could have been like. The only ones who have time for us.

Sometimes, people will surprise you. Most times, it's for the worse. Once in a blue moon, it's a nice surprise. First boyfriend turned to me for advice and strength. Our friendship's grown stronger over break, and he's not even here to talk to. The ones here don't care to see how I've been; they know I'm still alive, according to my Facebook. Would they wonder if I stopped checking it, updating it, just let it sit there? The real question is, would they care? Do I even register on their radar? I make mental notes on those who I was close with, but I don't make first contact; I've done that too often in the past. I'm done with forcing people to talk to me. Unfortunately, that means that they don't care to contact me. I'm left alone this break, not seeing anyone except for those who stayed behind. Supposedly I have plans with people who have gone, but I'm not getting my hopes up that it'll happen.