I'll Be Home for Christmas

I'm home for break, and done with my Spanish minor. That in itself is cause for excitement and happiness. But I'm sitting in my room hardly unpacked, with a pile of laundry that needs to be done. Instead I'm taking the bit of alone time I can have to blog, and possibly write later.

I was going to write about my whole body image struggle, since I've recently discovered this amazing blog. I started to do that, and it just took so much out of me that I've put a stop to it. Let's just say that detailing my past through some pretty dark days doesn't help bring in holiday cheer. However, that blog is so positive that it's worth checking out (yours truly is thinking of posting something there).

So what else is there to write about today? I've been struggling with ideas all day. Well, that's a lie. I've had another one, but it's quite sad and it got me down while writing it, so I decided to ditch the idea. I want to write something cheerful! It's almost the holidays!

Well, I guess I'll just write about what the holidays mean to me. Normally, we have forced family fun days when I'm home. But the holidays are different. We get to eat good food, and I at least don't really have to try to have fun with them. Christmas is probably my favorite family holiday. Since we were younger we'd put up the tree, get the presents, keep them all secret, then put them under the tree on Christmas Eve.

When we were younger we just threw all the ornaments on the tree. My mom would put out all the crafts we made in classes as our decorations. We each had a stocking, and they were usually filled with candies, fruits, and an occasional watch or toothbrush. They were the first thing we'd check on Christmas morning. My dog even got a present from her stocking.

Then we'd move on to the presents. We'd have an elf who handed out the presents, and we'd all unwrap at once. Thank you's were exchanged. I miss the joy of thinking that Santa was awesome and got us what we wanted. Thanking the air, thinking that Santa could hear us, and knew how grateful we were to him. Now I realize it was my parents. I think they really enjoyed being Santa for us.

The presents have progressively gotten more expensive, and there have been less under the tree as we've grown. Opening presents has gotten to be a shorter time, and somehow we've added watching one of The Santa Clause movies as a tradition. Usually there's some kind of breakfast that's not cereal to eat, and it's not so much Christmas morning as it is Christmas day.

After presents, my mom works on Christmas dinner. My brother and I open some of our presents, and since there's usually one that's some sort of gadget, we take it out and start reading the directions. My dad watches The Santa Clause. But lately, there have been a few big changes to our routines.

Last year one of my half-sisters came to visit. Last year, there were issues with my dad's check arriving on time. Last year, there was only one present under the tree for me. Last year, we went Christmas shopping the day after (this has never happened). Last year, my one present was returned, and the day after Christmas shopping resulted in a few necessities and one video game.

This year my sister's not coming to visit. This year they didn't wait for me to put up the Christmas tree. This year, I just want Disney movies. This year, if I don't get Disney movies, I think I'll be getting professional clothing. This year, my parents have no Christmas spirit. This year, they're doing the bare minimum with decorations. This year, they're talking about Christmas with a defeated air. This year, it seems like they don't even want to try to make it cheerful.

This year, I think I'm the only one with any Christmas cheer. But this year, I'm going to infect everyone with Christmas cheer somehow, even if it takes me until Christmas Eve, or even Christmas Day, to do so. My family needs some Christmas cheer after the year we've had, so I'm going to deliver it to them.

No more Grinches in my house!

The Man Who Can't Be Moved

Well, it's finals week. Last week was swamped with things to do, from Tuesday night on. It wasn't fun, work-wise. But now it's good. I get to relax today and some of tomorrow. But onto writing things. Things that I don't really know what to write about. I've been going for so long that I don't really have anything in my head to write about.

We've had TBS on the TV while we've been studying. Mainly Friends. And it's been getting me thinking about my own friends, and my life. We're going to get an apartment next year, which means we'll be more on our own than we have been at college so far. We have to get furniture, pay rent, and cook. Oh good lord, cooking. That's an interesting thought. And then I'll be farther from campus, which should be interesting. But we get our own apartment.

And then what about next year? The last year I'll be on campus. The last year I'll be in Muncie, and probably living in Indiana. I know it's a year away, but for some reason I keep thinking about it. I have no idea where I'm going to end up. A lot of people are talking about going to grad school, but I really don't know why I'd go, or where I'd end up for that matter. I kind of wanna just go and jump into work already, or go to fashion/dance/photography/culinary school. Go do something I have an interest in and no background whatsoever.

The only reason I'd be going to grad school would be because I like being a student and have nothing else to do with my life. But really, I'm kind of sick of school and just want to get on with my life. I'm still very reliant on my parents, and I kind of want to start going on my own. But that's what the apartment will be for next year.

But I don't even know why I'm thinking about graduation when I don't have any idea where I'm going to intern this summer. That's what I should really be focusing on, but my mind keeps jumping to even further in the future. And I think it's mostly about my future relationships.

I don't really want to leave my friends behind, but I'm afraid that it'll happen when I go back home. It's already hard enough to keep in touch with a lot of them, and I'm afraid that when I go home it'll be even harder. I don't want to think like that, but I don't want to lose them. I've got a whole year and a half though, to change things and figure them all out. But I want to stay friends with everyone, kind of like in Friends. But more importantly, I want them to be like in Sex and the City. The four friends who stick together through everything well into their 30's. Weekly brunches and things like that.

I think I've been thinking too much, because I've even been thinking about people that I've just met, and how things will play out in the future. I've already become incredibly attached to this school, these people, my job, and this year in general. It makes me incredibly sad to think that because I'm just one state over, I won't be close to the people who have become my second family at school. So I guess I'll try and keep things the way they are with some, and improve them greatly for the rest.

*This has kind of been a throwaway post*

A Matter of Trust

Hm. It's been awhile since I last wrote. At least, it feels like it.

I guess a bit has been going on since then. I came back to school, did more homework, lost all motivation for classes, and broke my longest single streak to date (rounded up to 8 months). And that's a joyous occasion, I think you'd agree. Not only did I wait it out, but now I think I've found someone who isn't like the rest. At the very least, he's been single for a year and a half and should be over all his ex-girlfriends.

But that doesn't change the fact that I haven't confided a lot of things to him, being Adam. I'm scared to, I'll be honest. The last guy I started to confide in just wanted to try and get in my pants, and the one before him, well, you know about that. I'm pretty sure that Adam's trustworthy and won't use that against me, but that doesn't change the fact that I still feel like I can't really trust, well, anyone really. At least, no one that I haven't known for a while, which has extended to include females.

Over the summer I thought it was that I just wasn't confiding in guys anymore, but some of the people I've met this year through work and have become quite close to, I don't want to tell them certain things about my past. And not because I'm trying to hide it; but because something's stopping me.

No one I've met this year has given me a reason to be nervous about telling them things, least of all Adam. In fact, he's been incredibly sweet to me. And even when I wrote that, I know there are things that if he came over right now and asked me about, I wouldn't tell him. I just have a feeling that he truly won't hurt me intentionally in any way, but I still can't tell him the things that have hurt me before. Mainly because the last time I thought that, he did. In the same way the rest did.

I don't know how this new fear of confiding in people will affect this, and us. It's bugging me, to be honest. But I can't seem to get past it, so I guess I'll just have to deal with it and see where it takes me.

Trust is a funny thing.