Thank You

Obligatory Thanksgiving post coming up.

This is the first Thanksgiving in three years that I've been able to celebrate in my own house. Senior year (2007), my grandmother passed a few days before, so we were in Marion arranging her funeral. Freshman year (2008) we were in Ft Wayne with my mom's side of the family, since it was the first year anniversary of Mimi's death. Last year we were in Ohio, once again with my mom's side. But this year I get to celebrate the holidays with my family and friends, some of whom I consider my second family. I'm thankful for that.

I could sit here and write out the other things I'm thankful for, like the fact that my immediate family is still here, how my friends have stuck through my life, the opportunities I've had, and things like that. But that's what almost everyone else who is listing what they're thankful for is doing. I am truly thankful for all of the above, but this year there's something I'm thankful for that I've not been thankful for in a long time, if not ever.

Me.

I'm not trying to sound selfish or conceited, but I'm thankful for Dayna. Since I grew out of the phase of "everyone's my friend," I've also left behind that idea of being content with who I am. I've always felt the need to improve myself. I wanted to be one of the cool kids in elementary school, so I did everything they did and threw a tantrum when I couldn't be for some reason or other.

I tried to be like my best friends in middle school, since they seemed to have this sense of self-worth that I was lacking. And in high school, I tried to be the girl that someone, somewhere wanted to be with. But I was never trying to be someone I wanted to be. I was always trying to improve myself so that maybe, if everyone else liked me, then I could like me.

High school was the worst period of self-loathing, for lack of a better term. While I didn't really hate myself, I didn't really want to be me, either. And it seemed like constantly, no one else really minded if I were me or someone else, so long as I was there to listen to their problems and help them out. I did whatever I could think of to change myself into someone I liked, but it didn't really work. So I focused on being the girl that the boys I was interested in liked. As I've written before, I got my self-esteem from them.

And then college hit, and I was on my own. I had to be a person that I was going to rely on, because I had no one else with me to look out for me. I'm not sure if I changed into a better person over these past two and a half years, or if I just started to accept who I am, but I honestly think I started to change.

This past summer is the one I'm most thankful for, because this summer was the one that I started to like me. If you've stuck with me, you know what happened. If not, suffice it to say that I worked on things I've never confronted and came out with a different view of myself and my life.

So this Thanksgiving, I'm thankful that I'm the person I am today. Though it's taken me a good chunk of time to reach this place, I know that at least one person is thankful for the person I am today. Which is perfectly fine for me. If no one else is thankful for the person I've become, then they haven't really wanted the best for me.

My gratuitous post is now done.

Sing for the Moment (24/90)

No phone call from Red Robin today. More TV, more exercise.

But today, I'm alright with it. I woke up at seven this morning, and it was a beautiful sight in my room. The clear sunlight streaming in through my window, my room a bright, clean white color, me, warm under the covers. It was a brief appreciation of that moment in time, that I almost forgot about until now. I fell back asleep for a few more hours, and got out of bed at around ten.

And although all day I was waiting for a phone call from a potential employer, I didn't really care all too much that I had to be available for the phone call. I think somehow today I appreciated life far more than I have in a few months, and it wasn't something I had been planning on doing. I appreciated the fact that while doing my daily work out, I didn't tire as easily, and hardly had to rest. It's something I've been working on (as you, dear reader, probably already know), and while the scale told me something different, I didn't care this morning.

I appreciated my friends today. I decided to go through old Facebook messages, and remember why they were sent in the first place. I marveled at how young we all seemed, and it was hardly two years ago for the oldest messages. The drama of high school and how I haven't really found it when I hit college. The knowledge that if there is potential drama in my life, I have both sets of friends to go to. The knowledge that sometimes my friends need me for advice, or just someone to talk to, and truly care about what I have to say.

I appreciated my dog today. She was curled up on the couch in the front room, something we all know (her included) that she's not supposed to do. But she was absolutely adorable curled up in a ball there, so I just reminded her she's not supposed to be on the couch. I love that I can talk to her and she pretends to listen and understand what I'm saying. It always brings a smile to my face. Possibly because I know how ridiculous it sounds, but I know that other pet owners feel the same way.

And I appreciated music today. So much. I've been toying with the idea of choreographing a flash mob, and started working on the ideas I've had for it. It's working. I'm so excited! Not only that, but I listened to the Glee soundtrack today. I wish I had tickets to either of the shows, since they're in Chicago tomorrow and Wednesday. But it wasn't meant to be, so I settled with the soundtrack. And the beauty of an empty house is that I can belt out the lyrics and sing so horribly, with so much abandon and joy. And I did. I just stood there and sang. In the shower, in my room, in clothes, out of clothes.

And then I had to make breakfast, and I sang some more. And danced. All day I've had this energy in me to just dance. But by the time my food was ready, it was one and I had turned on Sex and the City (sorry Tif, I had to watch the last few episodes!) And that's when I started appreciating my friends. By the time I was done with the episodes, my brother had come home and I couldn't dance.

But he had an appointment to get to, so I had the house to myself. And this time, I just wanted to sing some more. So I did. I think I sang for about two hours today. And all day I've had this feeling of being at peace, and trying to enjoy life. Now, this isn't something that comes easily to me. Usually I have something that I'm always worrying about. But today was different.

Maybe it was that brief moment when I woke up, of seeing my room bathed in the beautiful sunlight. Maybe it was from a conversation last night of interesting proportions. Maybe it was the amount of movement I did today. Maybe it was being able to let loose and be me, and thinking that those who are worth my time should be able to embrace it. Or maybe because it was the first day of fully embracing the idea of being single.

Today, I was single and loving it. And right now I still want to sing and dance.