In the End (90/90)

I just got back from getting my dad at the airport.

Today's the last of the 90 in 90 challenge. I had an idea for where I wanted this to go back on day 30-ish. I wanted to pick selections of my favorite posts and lay it out for you, dear reader. I wanted you to know what my favorite ideas were that I had, or what were my favorite bits of writing. I wanted to let you know why I felt that way.

But instead of doing that, I have another thing to blog about. One last blog for the 90. And it kind of is a summary of my past entries, but also a new idea I had been playing around with for a bit. Throughout this whole challenge I've used the word "I" so many times. I understand it's my blog and my opinions on life.

But what about when I step away from the blog, and start to interact with the world? What about when I talk to my friends? I noticed that not only were most of my blog posts filled with "I's" and "me's," but most of my conversations with my friends were as well. Granted, most of my conversations this summer have been trying to give friends advice on their situations, and the way that I can do that is by drawing on my past experiences.

Even when trying to catch up with people, I noticed that when I tried to talk about other peoples' lives, somehow I'd get off on a tangent, even if it was just a simple "I understand." Since I've been conscious of it, I've tried to restrain myself from doing that. I don't like jumping into a conversation and dominating it with my life stories, especially if someone has a problem they want to talk about.

When you do that, though, it allows the other person you're talking to dominate the conversation for their own purposes. Some people don't notice this, and many will change the topic when they realize what they were doing. But there have been a few people I know who never acknowledged it. Those people don't really talk to me anymore.

One of the best ways I think I can show how much we are more concerned with the "I" than with others is Facebook. I've noticed that probably 98% of my friends on Facebook will comment on a picture that they are in and skip over ones they aren't in, even if they are located in the same album. I try not to do that, and think that I've succeeded in that endeavor. The only way to get peoples' attention to a picture they're not in is by putting it as your profile picture.

So that's the end of being concerned over "me" and how many times I use the word daily, especially in posts. I'm going to wrap up this 90 now.

The purpose of the challenge was to write once a day for 90 days to get you in the habit of writing and to make you a better writer. And I've gotten in the habit of writing daily, but I don't think I've improved as a writer. I think that maybe the first month was good, and after that I had some good days, but mainly mediocre days.

I think once I decided to start opening up about my break up and how I was dealing with things, this blog started to become more like a diary, but I wasn't sure how to get away from the diary feel. I knew that I didn't really have a consistent theme for this blog. I knew I wanted it to be my thoughts and interests, and I have many different ones.

I've noticed that I like starting my paragraphs with either "and" or "but," and if I'm not paying attention I'll do it two or three paragraphs in a row. I've noticed that I really like parallel structure. I've noticed that I've gotten away from the passive voice, something I've been struggling with for years. I've noticed that I now write shorter paragraphs in my short stories.

So maybe I've become a better writer in the fact that now I'm picking up more things about my writing that I hadn't before this blog, and know what I need to work on in the future.

Don't worry, dear reader. This blog will still exist. It'll probably go back to the way it was before the 90, with a weekly post. If you've stuck with me until the end, then I hope you enjoyed your journey.

Die Another Day (45/90)

Today is the halfway point of the 90 in 90.

It's very hard to be impulsive if what's in your plans is dependent on other people. I learned that today. I was exited to go out and try something new, and then I never heard from them. And then I thought I came up with a brilliant plan, but it seems like I'll have to lead that horse to the water in the end, and I'm not sure if I have it in me.

Lately my blog's been turning into a place where I can sort through my life and try and figure out where I've been going wrong. And I'm getting sick of writing it, and I'm sure you're getting sick of reading it. I thought it used to have some sort of insight into humanity as a whole, and now it's more like me examining myself and my issues and hoping that someone out there will sympathize. That's really not what I've been trying to go for with this.

But lately I haven't really had too many insightful thoughts. Lately my head's been crammed with what seems to be fast approaching impossible hopes. And through trying to attain these hopes, I've been trying to better myself. It seems like I write things, and never really make the points I want to make, as is evident in this post as well.

In Goblet of Fire, I've just finished the chapter where Professor Moody shows the class the three Unforgivable Curses, and I got to thinking about death and what happens when we die. Sure, I know that our bodies decompose and all of that, but what about our souls? Do we even have souls? I'm a Deist, so I really don't have a religion to look towards for my answer. There's really no defining thought on the soul or the afterlife in Deism; it's up to each individual.

I think we have a soul. There is something within me that isn't completely corporeal. You may call it my essence, if you wish. That what makes me, me. I don't think it will be extinguished once I die. But I'm not sure about what happens to it when I die. I'd like to believe that there's a heaven, because then my soul would have someplace to reside for eternity. And if there's a heaven, then naturally there's a hell. But then what standards would make one soul to go heaven, and one to hell?

There's no interfering God in Deism, which is the main reason I'm a Deist. So who's to say that those that would be meant for hell don't make it to heaven, if there are both? Maybe there's not actually a heaven and a hell. Maybe my soul just wanders around on Earth for the rest of time. There would be enough to see to keep me occupied for that long. Or maybe there's just a place for souls, no heaven and hell division.

I don't know. The last two sound plausible, the first sounds ideal. But, generally speaking, ideal situations are few and far between. All I know is that there is a soul inside me that won't be extinguished when my body dies. I've raised more questions than answers in tonight's post, but I honestly don't know the answers at this point in time. But then again, I've got plenty of time to think about it, and hopefully much more time to come to a conclusion I can believe in.

I think the reasonable answer is that souls wander the Earth. And Deism is, after all, based on reason.

But It's Better if You Do (31/90)

Epic amounts of rain today, so I napped for quite a bit. There was only one thing on my mind, and it was more of a person.

And it was because of an ongoing conversation we had. I'm honestly not sure how long it lasted, but it was spread out over the course of about five hours. It just added to the happy feeling I've had since I saw Lauren, Tori, Bill, and Brittany standing in my door. But this conversation has had me thinking all day, and since everything's still really jumbled in my head I'm not going to write about it tonight. And it may be something I decide to keep to myself after all. I'm not too sure yet.

Instead, since yesterday marked being 1/3 of the way done with my 90 posts in 90 days, I thought I'd give you a bit of an update on how I'm doing with it. Of course, yesterday's post was rather shorter than usual, but the surprise of my friends plus the ongoing conversation effectively ruined my brain for any deep thought. For the most part, though, I've found it fairly easy to come up with topics and have enough material to blog about. The Miley Cyrus entry was done on a brain-dead night, and besides for that it's turning out much better than expected.

I even was able to blog through my apathetic phase. I think that one was just a need to reboot and recharge myself, in order to get to the place where I am today. So far it doesn't seem like I'll end up running out of ideas to write about. I've got a few extra phrases saved as drafts if I can't think of anything to write about for a day, from those days that I've had a few ideas bouncing around in my head.

So what else have I been up to, besides for the 90 in 90? I did say this was going to be my summer. "The Summer of Change," I called it. So far I've been eating healthier and sticking to my work out plan fairly well. I'm seeing and feeling results, just not on the scale. But I think I'm fine with that. My very good friend Margaret told me that I'm the same height and weight as Beyonce. And now, I really don't care if I hit my goal weight, so long as I look good and feel good.

I was planning on picking up my saxophone again this summer, at least twice a week. I haven't done that yet. I was planning on making lists of things I liked and didn't like about myself. To improve on my flaws and have encouragement for hard days. That never happened, but I don't think I need to. I think this first month was dedicated to letting go of things that were said or happened in the past. I usually don't hold a grudge, but I have a mind like an elephant's when it comes to times when I was upset by someone more than I let on.

I think for the month of June (my birthday month), I'm going to work on being more honest. I'm a pretty honest person, but I hide when I'm upset with someone, and the complete reason why. I don't want to upset people, so I just tell them a bit of what's bothering me. But I came forward last night about something instead of passively-aggressively ignoring the issue, and got an apology that I wouldn't have if I hadn't said anything.

These are just some of the things I wanted to do this summer. I've got about two more months of being at home before I have to go back to start training for my job during the school year. It feels like it'll be over in a flash, and that the rest of my summer will stretch out. I guess that's what happens when something (or someone) you're anticipating is waiting on the other end of the break. But I've also found that usually, the anticipation is more fun than the actual event.

This time, I hope the event's as much fun as this anticipation we've been having. If not more.