Some Trust (48/90)

Watching Batman Begins.

I seem to be struggling to find things to write about lately. I guess I'm finally running out of steam, or I'm thoroughly distracted and can't wrap my head around anything to write about. But I'll take a stab at something that I've been inspired by from the beginning of the movie. Bruce Wayne is afraid of bats. Ends up getting his parents killed because of this fear. Eventually he embraces this fear and it transforms him into Batman (brief synopsis of what this is going to be about).

I'm afraid of a lot of things, but my biggest fear is dying unloved. I don't know why it's such a big fear, because I'm surrounded by people who claim they love me. Maybe it's because it doesn't seem like a lot people actually do love me. A lot of people who have told me that have left me, or it seems like I'm easily replaceable.

I don't know where this fear came from. Maybe when I was younger and it seemed like everyone was close to someone that they couldn't seem to live without, and I had no one. Maybe it's because I love deeper than most of the people in my life. Maybe it's because I love more honestly than it seems like everyone else does. Or maybe it's because I think I'm not someone who should be loved. I'm always trying to be a better person than I am, and it seems like I can't really make an honest change.

But whatever sparked this fear, it's still within me. And I rarely admit it to people who I'm not close with (read, three people). But a few weeks ago I opened up much more to someone than I have in a long time, someone I wasn't really that close to. And it seems like it wasn't the best idea; in fact, it seems like I'm probably not going to be talking to this person much anymore.

I took a chance and let him in, even though I had a feeling he wouldn't be in it for the long run. I guess I wanted to see if maybe my views on people weren't as skewed as they had become after Dave. But as of now it seems like I chose the wrong person to try and trust, and it's slowly becoming another fear of mine. I think I'm getting scared to let people who haven't been close to me, start to get close to me. Sure, I'm sharing a lot more with the people who I've trusted before.

But lately I haven't been admitting as much to any one person. There's really only one person who actually knows most of what's been bugging me lately, and that's Margaret. Everyone else only knows one side of the die that's rolling around in my brain. Two if they're lucky. And the two are the ones who I've just started to get a lot closer with this summer. I guess something changed, either inside me or with them.

I've never had an issue with trusting people; in fact, I've been too trusting in my past (as evidenced by my recent foray with the opposite sex). Maybe there's only so much you can take of people you trusted leaving before you start to protect yourself from hurt anymore. And quite honestly, I'm sick of getting hurt. I wish I could find someone who I could trust that wouldn't hurt me in the end.

I don't even know if I want to keep looking at this point.

Afraid (40/90)

Hi. Just got home from seeing Sex and the City 2, and sitting in the car with Margaret for awhile, so sorry this is late.

Today I didn't really have any major theme. But I did watch the first Sex and the City movie, and it (of course) got me thinking. I think Carrie said something along the lines of "You can't stop being who you are because you're afraid" when she was talking to Charlotte about running when she was pregnant. And it got me thinking. Mainly because I've been talking to someone who has a very similar outlook on life.

And I've always been the cautious one. I'm the person who thinks through all possible outcomes before committing to something, because I'm afraid I'll screw up or that it'll hurt me in the end. Mainly because I've actually gone with my initial thoughts and have been hurt by them. Time has taught me to be more cautious, and more afraid.

I've been hurt before, by many different people (mainly men). So of course I'm afraid to try anything new or outside my comfort zone. I tend to date guys who aren't right for me, mostly in the same way: they can't take care of themselves. Not that they don't know how to clean and such, just that they have no idea how to budget their time or keep their own schedules. So I become the constant reminder of things that need to be done, and they rely on that, with nothing given in return.

Not only is this a pattern, but I also have the unfortunate pattern of being second best for them. Usually it didn't work with the original person, but I'm still a pretty good prize, so I'm next pick. And because of this, what I want is always pushed aside until they've accomplished their own tasks. And it's something I'm used to.

I'm scared to be with someone who actually doesn't need me. I'm scared to be with an equal. But it's something I claim to want. So why haven't I gone out and found it yet? Instead I was either pining after someone, or chasing a dying relationship. I was settling for what I've always known, instead of trying to obtain what I deserve. I've suppressed what I want, who I want to be, and to an extent who I am, because I'm scared of being truly happy and where I want to be.

But I think I'm starting to change it. I still don't know where I want to be exactly, and I think it'll take me awhile to find it. But I do know there are things in me that I've been trying to suppress from certain people who think it's a bad idea to go down this road I'm peering down. Depending on where I stand further down the line, I may decide for myself whether it's a good idea. But it won't be because I'm scared to get hurt, or scared to be who I am. It will be because I know that it's something that won't lead me to the person I want to be, or reinforce the person that I am.

But I've just discovered this new road. I'm not going blindly down it.