Some Trust (48/90)

Watching Batman Begins.

I seem to be struggling to find things to write about lately. I guess I'm finally running out of steam, or I'm thoroughly distracted and can't wrap my head around anything to write about. But I'll take a stab at something that I've been inspired by from the beginning of the movie. Bruce Wayne is afraid of bats. Ends up getting his parents killed because of this fear. Eventually he embraces this fear and it transforms him into Batman (brief synopsis of what this is going to be about).

I'm afraid of a lot of things, but my biggest fear is dying unloved. I don't know why it's such a big fear, because I'm surrounded by people who claim they love me. Maybe it's because it doesn't seem like a lot people actually do love me. A lot of people who have told me that have left me, or it seems like I'm easily replaceable.

I don't know where this fear came from. Maybe when I was younger and it seemed like everyone was close to someone that they couldn't seem to live without, and I had no one. Maybe it's because I love deeper than most of the people in my life. Maybe it's because I love more honestly than it seems like everyone else does. Or maybe it's because I think I'm not someone who should be loved. I'm always trying to be a better person than I am, and it seems like I can't really make an honest change.

But whatever sparked this fear, it's still within me. And I rarely admit it to people who I'm not close with (read, three people). But a few weeks ago I opened up much more to someone than I have in a long time, someone I wasn't really that close to. And it seems like it wasn't the best idea; in fact, it seems like I'm probably not going to be talking to this person much anymore.

I took a chance and let him in, even though I had a feeling he wouldn't be in it for the long run. I guess I wanted to see if maybe my views on people weren't as skewed as they had become after Dave. But as of now it seems like I chose the wrong person to try and trust, and it's slowly becoming another fear of mine. I think I'm getting scared to let people who haven't been close to me, start to get close to me. Sure, I'm sharing a lot more with the people who I've trusted before.

But lately I haven't been admitting as much to any one person. There's really only one person who actually knows most of what's been bugging me lately, and that's Margaret. Everyone else only knows one side of the die that's rolling around in my brain. Two if they're lucky. And the two are the ones who I've just started to get a lot closer with this summer. I guess something changed, either inside me or with them.

I've never had an issue with trusting people; in fact, I've been too trusting in my past (as evidenced by my recent foray with the opposite sex). Maybe there's only so much you can take of people you trusted leaving before you start to protect yourself from hurt anymore. And quite honestly, I'm sick of getting hurt. I wish I could find someone who I could trust that wouldn't hurt me in the end.

I don't even know if I want to keep looking at this point.