Hi. Just got home from seeing Sex and the City 2, and sitting in the car with Margaret for awhile, so sorry this is late.
Today I didn't really have any major theme. But I did watch the first Sex and the City movie, and it (of course) got me thinking. I think Carrie said something along the lines of "You can't stop being who you are because you're afraid" when she was talking to Charlotte about running when she was pregnant. And it got me thinking. Mainly because I've been talking to someone who has a very similar outlook on life.
And I've always been the cautious one. I'm the person who thinks through all possible outcomes before committing to something, because I'm afraid I'll screw up or that it'll hurt me in the end. Mainly because I've actually gone with my initial thoughts and have been hurt by them. Time has taught me to be more cautious, and more afraid.
I've been hurt before, by many different people (mainly men). So of course I'm afraid to try anything new or outside my comfort zone. I tend to date guys who aren't right for me, mostly in the same way: they can't take care of themselves. Not that they don't know how to clean and such, just that they have no idea how to budget their time or keep their own schedules. So I become the constant reminder of things that need to be done, and they rely on that, with nothing given in return.
Not only is this a pattern, but I also have the unfortunate pattern of being second best for them. Usually it didn't work with the original person, but I'm still a pretty good prize, so I'm next pick. And because of this, what I want is always pushed aside until they've accomplished their own tasks. And it's something I'm used to.
I'm scared to be with someone who actually doesn't need me. I'm scared to be with an equal. But it's something I claim to want. So why haven't I gone out and found it yet? Instead I was either pining after someone, or chasing a dying relationship. I was settling for what I've always known, instead of trying to obtain what I deserve. I've suppressed what I want, who I want to be, and to an extent who I am, because I'm scared of being truly happy and where I want to be.
But I think I'm starting to change it. I still don't know where I want to be exactly, and I think it'll take me awhile to find it. But I do know there are things in me that I've been trying to suppress from certain people who think it's a bad idea to go down this road I'm peering down. Depending on where I stand further down the line, I may decide for myself whether it's a good idea. But it won't be because I'm scared to get hurt, or scared to be who I am. It will be because I know that it's something that won't lead me to the person I want to be, or reinforce the person that I am.
But I've just discovered this new road. I'm not going blindly down it.
Have you ever thought that the men you date never asked for help with their schedules? that they wanted to make their own mistakes? Sometimes certain people figure out aspects of their life faster than others, but the rest of society still may need to learn it on their own.
ReplyDeleteIt seems like you victimize yourself to try to cope with your feelings of distress, of agony after a break from a habit you hold so dear. While this may be normal and is definitely one way of coping, it may not be the most healthy to maintain. You were right when you said I blamed too much on my depression. I did the same thing as you.
You tried for so long to play the mother hen, but you now realize that these aren't grounds for a healthy relationship. I applaud this change and cheer you onward to find your equal. The next step is to define who/what is your equal, which is my dilemma...
It's so easy for the other person to tell us what were our downfalls in the relationship...
ReplyDeleteIn my opinion, those guys were not your equals. They were boys who did not have their lives together enough to be a full partner in a relationship. They were, in short, selfish. They were content to let you vainly attempt to save a faiing relationship because you loved them. They let you, because they were too scared to come out and say they were done. There's a difference between saving and sitting by doing nothing.
You'll meet a man, not a little boy who needs a mother hen to make him feel good about himself, and will love you for you. All that you'll to do is love. And don't stop loving, and all the ways you do love, it's the best part of you.
So I take it that the Lonely Ghost is Dave, since I follow PJ and he's the only other one who could have depression? And actually, most (if not all) of the guys I've dated have asked me to help them with their schedules or to get organized. And keeping up with a schedule is a part of being organized, right?
ReplyDeleteHow do I victimize myself by telling the truth about my relationships? I'm honestly curious. I don't really think I've done that in my posts, besides for hint at things with PJ. I've admitted that I do have flaws too. But this time I'm actually trying to work on them.
Blondebrownie: thanks for that. But I have been kind of writing about the downfalls in the relationships a lot, so if he felt the need to call me out on it, then I'm happy to address it.
Yes, I am Dave. You seem to be victimizing yourself in this because you say the guys you dated were incapable of planning on their own. While it may be that others in your past were worse than I was, that is irrelevant. It seemed like you were a crutch to be leaned upon so that my schedule would fit your standards. Yes, I asked for your help in scheduling classes, but who doesn't ask for that? The way I felt at times is that you didn't know when to let things pass as events that are just talk. You *have* to plan everything. That's how I saw it, in my extremely disorganized lifestyle.
ReplyDeleteI feel like no one understood the point I made earlier. If one ruin a part of their life because of a stupid decision, that's their perogative. It seems like you're complaining about wanting to hold the guy's hand through the learning process when it may be best to let him make his own mistakes. Annoying, sure, but that is the road he must take to maturity. Our own mistakes have a much more profound impact on our worldview than the mistakes of others.
It's sure as hell annoying when those mistakes hurt the other person involved. But I don't know if you had room in your head to think about that what with your extremely disorganized lifestyle, and *perogative* to make sure your points were heard and rationalized by the hurt parties so you can sleep at night. Go grow up. But don't do it on a grown woman's time.
ReplyDeleteLonely Ghost: Actually, the main thing I was referring to was budgeting your time so that you could get your homework done and still have time to see people and get the other things done you wanted to do. I didn't try to plan out every aspect of your life, I tried to make it easier on you so you wouldn't be as stressed.
ReplyDeleteAs to "holding their hand through the learning process," it's mainly because I feel like by the time you get to college, you should have some grasp on how to budget your time effectively.
And one more thing: this whole lack of organization thing is annoying, yes, but you're ignoring the paragraph after. The part that doesn't include everyone, but does include 4 of 5 of the people I've dated. You know, the part where I'm second prize? I think that's a bit more important than not being organized.
Song of Solomon: I'll let Lonely Ghost address that :-)