I knew it. I knew something like this was going to come up. But I didn't think it'd come up for at least another year or two.
Adam's dad basically doesn't think Adam and I will have a happy life together because I'm not Christian. While I ranted a bit on my Tumblr about it, I now have a better understanding of what he meant, but the above conclusion is still true. And I'm still upset over it.
He quoted some scripture that basically said it's going to be hard when two in a relationship are different religions. We're going to have different ideas on how to conduct the wedding, church going activities, and how to raise children, is what it's being interpreted as. And when I first heard it, it basically sounded like he was fine with us dating, but we couldn't get married because of it. I guess that bit's not 100% true, but whatever.
Either way, Adam's dad doesn't know what goes on in our relationship. He doesn't know that so far we've learned how to discuss our differences in religion (to a point) so no one gets angry or hurt by what the other says. He just assumed that we'll have conflict with our differing religions. I don't care if Adam's Christian, as long as he's not rubbing it in my face, telling me I'm going to Hell, or telling me that I'm not a good person because I'm not a Christian. And he doesn't tell me these things.
Nor does he know that I've told Adam before that when it comes to kids, if we have them then I don't care if they go to church or not, as long as they're not forced to continue to go if they don't believe. I also don't care as long as we let them know they have a choice of what religion they belong to. I don't think belief should be forced.
And instead of talking to Adam about it, or approaching me with his concerns, he just assumes that we're doomed because I'm not a Christian. It almost came off as he didn't think I was good enough for his son just because I'm not Christian. And this is what made me mad.
I'm not going to magically gain more morals because I'm a Christian. I'm probably not going to become more conservative just because I'm a Christian. So what's going to change if I became a Christian? My immortal soul would be saved? I'm already quite aware of all the suffering going on in the world and the country. I can't do anything about it except what I try to do right now, and that's bring attention to it. Maybe someone who is in a better position to help and make changes will see it and do something about it. Becoming Christian is not going to bring me into more wealth, time, or power to affect change.
And really, that's what bugs me about organized religion. Somehow I'm not a moral person because I don't believe Jesus died for my sins, because I don't believe he's the son of God. Because Christians haven't ever done wrong. It's stereotypical to say that, and especially to believe it. I'm not sure how to handle it, quite honestly. I've put up with the snide comments about deism, about liberals, about things that I care about.
You would think that after almost a year of dating he'd have come to understand that people can be good without Jesus in their life. And he doesn't even know why I don't believe anymore. Not like it'd matter though, he'd probably just use the same argument as Adam did when I told him.
Adam said he doesn't care what his dad thought, and he said if push comes to shove his mom could probably bring his dad around. I didn't realize that my religion (or "choosing what I believe" in his dad's words) would rule me out as a viable candidate to marry his son, when the last Christian (Catholic) who dated him was not someone who deserved his son. His son deserved much more than what she gave him, but she's got more of a chance because she believes Jesus is her savior.
I guess I should just trust in the fact that Adam said it'd all work out. Good thing I don't have to see his dad for a week.
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Monday, October 10, 2011
This is Your Life
It's been awhile. I've moved over some more serious ideas to this blog if you wanted to check it out. This blogger will be more dating thoughts, I guess.
This weekend Adam and I had a series of serious talks about our futures. We've talked about it before, but most joking was set aside this time, and it was in person as opposed to via text message, so I like to think it was fairly serious. It both comforted me and scared me.
About a week ago I asked him if he wanted to live with me if I decided to go to grad school here. I honestly don't know where the thought came from. I hadn't been thinking about it before it just slipped out, and it surprised me as much as it surprised him. But as soon as it came out of my mouth, I knew it was something I meant.
Instead of thinking about it, his almost immediate response was "I don't think my parents would like that." Which wasn't my question at all. I just wanted to know if he wanted to live with me next year. It would make our lives easier (I think), and though the statistics are against us (he claims), I personally think I'd like to live with someone before I got engaged, and most definitely before I got married. It's something I want. He didn't even think about if he wanted to or not; he automatically went with what his parents would think.
Now, I know this may have been a more tactful way of saying no, but it still bugged me. And though we talked about a lot of other things this weekend, I started wondering if our life decisions separately and together would have to be influenced by his parents' feelings on the idea or topic. And I don't know if I would want to have to live up to his parents' expectations of what our relationship should be like. Mainly because I don't think I could.
The big thing, the thing he said would be an issue, is my religion. I consider myself to be a deist, open to learning about other religions and finding one that makes sense to me. His dad's a preacher, Christian through and through, with scholarly works to back him up. So far we've avoided talking about religion around his dad. It came up when I went out to eat with his mom and brother, but I mysteriously fell silent. I don't think his mom has as much issue with it as his dad, and I don't think Adam has an enormous concern about it.
But I know they want me to be Christian. My mom wants me to be Christian. They don't know why I'm not. Adam does. My mom knows the story, but hasn't realized it's also the reason why I'm no longer a believer. His family doesn't know, and I don't know when, or if, I want to tell them. So they don't understand why I believe God doesn't interfere in our lives. And I know even if I tell his brother, he won't understand. He as good as told me when we went to dinner and got on the subject.
The point of this is that I don't know how viable a future with Adam can be if his dad has a say in it. And normally he doesn't, but it seems like big life decisions he will. It's weird - Adam wants me to convert, I'm sure his family does too, but they don't want me to convert because they're Christian. They want me to convert because I believe. Well, I used to believe. Guess what? It failed me when I needed it most. Somehow I can forgive tangible humans more than I can forgive a God or Jesus who can't prove that they're there when I need them most.
The point of this was to vent about how Adam's life decisions that will affect him and, because we're 22 and I'm close to starting life post-schooling, the ones that will affect me will be influenced by his parents. And I love that he's close to his family, they do hold a special place in my heart - but I want him to start to make decisions based on his feelings as well, and more importantly first. He always says he's still a child, but I need him to start to grow up soon.
This weekend Adam and I had a series of serious talks about our futures. We've talked about it before, but most joking was set aside this time, and it was in person as opposed to via text message, so I like to think it was fairly serious. It both comforted me and scared me.
About a week ago I asked him if he wanted to live with me if I decided to go to grad school here. I honestly don't know where the thought came from. I hadn't been thinking about it before it just slipped out, and it surprised me as much as it surprised him. But as soon as it came out of my mouth, I knew it was something I meant.
Instead of thinking about it, his almost immediate response was "I don't think my parents would like that." Which wasn't my question at all. I just wanted to know if he wanted to live with me next year. It would make our lives easier (I think), and though the statistics are against us (he claims), I personally think I'd like to live with someone before I got engaged, and most definitely before I got married. It's something I want. He didn't even think about if he wanted to or not; he automatically went with what his parents would think.
Now, I know this may have been a more tactful way of saying no, but it still bugged me. And though we talked about a lot of other things this weekend, I started wondering if our life decisions separately and together would have to be influenced by his parents' feelings on the idea or topic. And I don't know if I would want to have to live up to his parents' expectations of what our relationship should be like. Mainly because I don't think I could.
The big thing, the thing he said would be an issue, is my religion. I consider myself to be a deist, open to learning about other religions and finding one that makes sense to me. His dad's a preacher, Christian through and through, with scholarly works to back him up. So far we've avoided talking about religion around his dad. It came up when I went out to eat with his mom and brother, but I mysteriously fell silent. I don't think his mom has as much issue with it as his dad, and I don't think Adam has an enormous concern about it.
But I know they want me to be Christian. My mom wants me to be Christian. They don't know why I'm not. Adam does. My mom knows the story, but hasn't realized it's also the reason why I'm no longer a believer. His family doesn't know, and I don't know when, or if, I want to tell them. So they don't understand why I believe God doesn't interfere in our lives. And I know even if I tell his brother, he won't understand. He as good as told me when we went to dinner and got on the subject.
The point of this is that I don't know how viable a future with Adam can be if his dad has a say in it. And normally he doesn't, but it seems like big life decisions he will. It's weird - Adam wants me to convert, I'm sure his family does too, but they don't want me to convert because they're Christian. They want me to convert because I believe. Well, I used to believe. Guess what? It failed me when I needed it most. Somehow I can forgive tangible humans more than I can forgive a God or Jesus who can't prove that they're there when I need them most.
The point of this was to vent about how Adam's life decisions that will affect him and, because we're 22 and I'm close to starting life post-schooling, the ones that will affect me will be influenced by his parents. And I love that he's close to his family, they do hold a special place in my heart - but I want him to start to make decisions based on his feelings as well, and more importantly first. He always says he's still a child, but I need him to start to grow up soon.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Absense Makes the Day Go Longer
It's been awhile since I last wrote anything, but that's because nothing has really happened. My summer's been filled with Jeopardy, Tumblr, and texting Adam. Since I haven't had a job, I haven't seen the friends that are here, and most of them haven't returned for the summer.
But this past weekend Adam came to visit for my birthday, so I had to clean the house. I had to figure out what we would do, and how we would get there. I tried to plan things to do with my family and alone, but since both he and I have limited funds I didn't really make any plans. And so far this past weekend has been the best of the summer.
A few years ago I was scared of being in a long-distance relationship. I thought that the distance would undo everything, that not being able to see the person on a regular basis would make my feelings wane, and make it feel like a glorified friendship. That's why I broke up with Jose two summers ago. I knew that would be the reason for Zack and I to break up (then more things happened that contributed to the break up).
Last year, pre-April, I was afraid that the distance between Dave and I would be difficult for us. I started to make plans about when we could see each other. I thought that two weeks apart was the most either of us would be able to go without being able to see each other. I was planning how to budget my money, which weekends to visit, and how I'd get there. I was asking him the best way for him to reach me.
Winter break apart wasn't bad for us, so I don't know where this idea that two weeks would undo us came from. Maybe I felt something changing in our relationship, and that's why I started to plan ways to hold on to him. Maybe it's because when Jose and I had left the previous summer, it hadn't even taken me two weeks to want to end things. Maybe because I wanted him to meet my family and get to know them, and for me to meet the rest of his.
Whatever the reason it didn't really matter, he ended up dumping me before any plans had really been solidified. Which, now that I think about it, probably was for the best. The summer apart would've ruined us anyway, because we were both unhappy with the way the relationship was going. It would've left us a month to fix us, and that wasn't enough to fix it.
What it comes down to is that usually I suck at long-distance relationships. Usually I can't handle much more than a few weeks apart. Usually I lose interest in trying to make things work. Usually I'd rather hang out with my friends and see what else is out there than being tied down for an extended period of time. Usually when I'm away from my significant other for a period of time longer than three weeks (or sometimes less than that) I start to feel like I'm single and the only reason I can't go for someone else is because I don't want to be a cheater.
Not this time. With Adam, the three weeks of winter break felt like they passed incredibly slowly. We texted every day, Skyped most days, and he even came to visit me for a day. But those three weeks still seemed like more than a month. Before I thought it was because we had only been dating for a month before I came home.
These past few weeks were the same, though. Even after the first week it felt like it had been three weeks. The second week, the fourth. We both felt the same way about the distance and how it felt like forever since we had seen each other in person. We're usually texting each other about 12 hours a day. When we Skype, it's for at least three hours. And we don't run out of things to say.
Sure, sometimes our conversations are about how we miss each other and other private couples stuff, but we're still talking. And the four weeks it took for me to see him didn't make me feel single. It made me feel alone, yes, but not single. But I felt alone because only a few of my friends are here this summer, and all of his are there. I have little to do with my day but feel alone. He has his friends, a car, and a job. I just have the internet and my phone.
This weekend we did the same things that we would at school: Watched movies, ate, and talked. He got to know my parents a bit better and got the best friend approval, but it was mostly Adam and I all weekend. And it's one of my favorite weekends. For the rest of the summer it seems like it'll be about two weeks between each visit, and I get to go there next. Two weeks doesn't seem like too long now.
I used to think that "absence makes the heart grow fonder" was a lie.
But this past weekend Adam came to visit for my birthday, so I had to clean the house. I had to figure out what we would do, and how we would get there. I tried to plan things to do with my family and alone, but since both he and I have limited funds I didn't really make any plans. And so far this past weekend has been the best of the summer.
A few years ago I was scared of being in a long-distance relationship. I thought that the distance would undo everything, that not being able to see the person on a regular basis would make my feelings wane, and make it feel like a glorified friendship. That's why I broke up with Jose two summers ago. I knew that would be the reason for Zack and I to break up (then more things happened that contributed to the break up).
Last year, pre-April, I was afraid that the distance between Dave and I would be difficult for us. I started to make plans about when we could see each other. I thought that two weeks apart was the most either of us would be able to go without being able to see each other. I was planning how to budget my money, which weekends to visit, and how I'd get there. I was asking him the best way for him to reach me.
Winter break apart wasn't bad for us, so I don't know where this idea that two weeks would undo us came from. Maybe I felt something changing in our relationship, and that's why I started to plan ways to hold on to him. Maybe it's because when Jose and I had left the previous summer, it hadn't even taken me two weeks to want to end things. Maybe because I wanted him to meet my family and get to know them, and for me to meet the rest of his.
Whatever the reason it didn't really matter, he ended up dumping me before any plans had really been solidified. Which, now that I think about it, probably was for the best. The summer apart would've ruined us anyway, because we were both unhappy with the way the relationship was going. It would've left us a month to fix us, and that wasn't enough to fix it.
What it comes down to is that usually I suck at long-distance relationships. Usually I can't handle much more than a few weeks apart. Usually I lose interest in trying to make things work. Usually I'd rather hang out with my friends and see what else is out there than being tied down for an extended period of time. Usually when I'm away from my significant other for a period of time longer than three weeks (or sometimes less than that) I start to feel like I'm single and the only reason I can't go for someone else is because I don't want to be a cheater.
Not this time. With Adam, the three weeks of winter break felt like they passed incredibly slowly. We texted every day, Skyped most days, and he even came to visit me for a day. But those three weeks still seemed like more than a month. Before I thought it was because we had only been dating for a month before I came home.
These past few weeks were the same, though. Even after the first week it felt like it had been three weeks. The second week, the fourth. We both felt the same way about the distance and how it felt like forever since we had seen each other in person. We're usually texting each other about 12 hours a day. When we Skype, it's for at least three hours. And we don't run out of things to say.
Sure, sometimes our conversations are about how we miss each other and other private couples stuff, but we're still talking. And the four weeks it took for me to see him didn't make me feel single. It made me feel alone, yes, but not single. But I felt alone because only a few of my friends are here this summer, and all of his are there. I have little to do with my day but feel alone. He has his friends, a car, and a job. I just have the internet and my phone.
This weekend we did the same things that we would at school: Watched movies, ate, and talked. He got to know my parents a bit better and got the best friend approval, but it was mostly Adam and I all weekend. And it's one of my favorite weekends. For the rest of the summer it seems like it'll be about two weeks between each visit, and I get to go there next. Two weeks doesn't seem like too long now.
I used to think that "absence makes the heart grow fonder" was a lie.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
The Weight of It
Summer's here. I got a 4.0 this semester, which is probably the first and the last time that'll happen in college. If I didn't get it, though, I would've been highly concerned.
I've hardly been home five days and I'm already thinking that I might go crazy. I get why people move out once they graduate college. I get why most of my friends stayed at school for the summer. I am back in this house that I lived in when I went to high school, before I was only an occasional guest in it. I need to get out.
But since I've been home and currently have no job, it's back to my old ways. Watching TV, missing people from school, and thinking that I need to lose weight. But this year I'm actually trying to do something about it, like portion control and regular exercise. I've just started and I'm already thinking that I'm going to go down a different path than I intend to.
Though Adam is great and only has good things to say about me, I still feel this need to look a certain way. Blame it on the magazines, on the supermodels, on TV, on whatever. But let's face it: compared to my friends, the ones who get more attention, who get called prettier more often than I, who fit in more with those other women, I don't really measure up. Or, rather, I measure too much.
I thought I had a handle on this last year, or even last semester. And for awhile there, I was feeling good about myself. But then life got hectic, I stopped working out as much, and Adam and I didn't really eat healthy, I gained the weight. And with him I didn't feel like I had to impress anyone anymore.
But now I'm home, bored out of my mind, watching TV shows with people at their biggest half my size. Now my mom tells me to shop in the plus-size section, when I'm perfectly capable of wearing "normal" sizes. Now she gets surprised when I eat a healthy dinner and go out and get more food because I'm hungry three hours later. Now I get hungry two hours after I eat, and there are slim pickings in the healthy and non-prepackaged foods.
I honestly think it's this house. There's nothing to do, nothing to eat, and everyone keeps to themselves. This house is what's bringing me down. Being alone, with a scale and a number, is what's bringing me down. Distance from Adam, with his friends who probably wouldn't think twice if he went off with a girl, is what's bringing me down. But those worries are for another time, I guess.
I wish I had the confidence that I had in October back.
**Please don't comment with anything along the lines of "You don't need to change," it's really not going to do much for me right now**
I've hardly been home five days and I'm already thinking that I might go crazy. I get why people move out once they graduate college. I get why most of my friends stayed at school for the summer. I am back in this house that I lived in when I went to high school, before I was only an occasional guest in it. I need to get out.
But since I've been home and currently have no job, it's back to my old ways. Watching TV, missing people from school, and thinking that I need to lose weight. But this year I'm actually trying to do something about it, like portion control and regular exercise. I've just started and I'm already thinking that I'm going to go down a different path than I intend to.
Though Adam is great and only has good things to say about me, I still feel this need to look a certain way. Blame it on the magazines, on the supermodels, on TV, on whatever. But let's face it: compared to my friends, the ones who get more attention, who get called prettier more often than I, who fit in more with those other women, I don't really measure up. Or, rather, I measure too much.
I thought I had a handle on this last year, or even last semester. And for awhile there, I was feeling good about myself. But then life got hectic, I stopped working out as much, and Adam and I didn't really eat healthy, I gained the weight. And with him I didn't feel like I had to impress anyone anymore.
But now I'm home, bored out of my mind, watching TV shows with people at their biggest half my size. Now my mom tells me to shop in the plus-size section, when I'm perfectly capable of wearing "normal" sizes. Now she gets surprised when I eat a healthy dinner and go out and get more food because I'm hungry three hours later. Now I get hungry two hours after I eat, and there are slim pickings in the healthy and non-prepackaged foods.
I honestly think it's this house. There's nothing to do, nothing to eat, and everyone keeps to themselves. This house is what's bringing me down. Being alone, with a scale and a number, is what's bringing me down. Distance from Adam, with his friends who probably wouldn't think twice if he went off with a girl, is what's bringing me down. But those worries are for another time, I guess.
I wish I had the confidence that I had in October back.
**Please don't comment with anything along the lines of "You don't need to change," it's really not going to do much for me right now**
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Losing my Religion
Showcase is over, which means I have time to relax again. That's nice. Almost too nice.
Good Friday was this past weekend, as was Easter. I'm not a religious person, but I do look forward to Christmas and Easter, though not for the religious reasons. I guess it's more of the Pagan traditions that they are based on that I like them: the gifts, the food, the random symbols of the seasons. They hold no Christian values for me.
So I'm not a Christian and I celebrate these holidays. So I'm not a Christian and I donate to churches. Apparently that last fact is surprising to some. Sure, I don't believe in the same thing that you do, but I know that churches are always looking for funding, especially small ones. Just because I don't believe the same thing as you doesn't mean that I can't see how important it is to you.
I think that faith is a very big thing. I think that if you have something in your life that is so important to you that it dictates how you live your life, then that should be fostered. If you're passionate about it, I will support you. The thing that bothers me with organized religion in general is the blind faith I see.
The mentality that "my parents believed this, therefore I will as well" without asking any questions is my issue. That's why I will bring up discussions about religion and things that I have personally seen wrong with the faith. If you can discuss your point without getting angry, and with backing up your belief with what sound like solid facts, then I respect you. I'm not out to evangelize for deism or any other religion (or lack of one).
That leads into another issue I have with religion: telling me I'm going to hell because I don't believe what you say is true is not going to convert me. If it converts someone to Christianity, then I think they're doing it for the wrong reasons. That is not true faith. Joining up because of that is another example of blind faith. This happens with all religions, though, not just Christianity; I'm using Christianity because it's the one I know best (having been a Christian before), and because it's the one I'm constantly surrounded by.
I feel like when I went to church this weekend, the sermon was slightly directed at me. Celebrate because Jesus has risen! I have historical proof outside the Bible that he existed! If you were a Christian before but lost your way, come back to God and Jesus and join our church! There's a good chance it wasn't, but seeing as the minister is my boyfriend's father and knows that I'm a deist, there's also a chance it slightly was.
I'm not against all religions. I'm against organized religions that take their message too far. I figure that there are too many religions out there, with multiple similarities, that I can't be sure of which one is right. Do I believe in a higher power? Yes. Do I believe Jesus existed? I believe there was a man named Jesus. Do I believe he was the son of God? That I don't. Might I believe it in the future? If I can have more proof.
I'm open to possibilities.
Good Friday was this past weekend, as was Easter. I'm not a religious person, but I do look forward to Christmas and Easter, though not for the religious reasons. I guess it's more of the Pagan traditions that they are based on that I like them: the gifts, the food, the random symbols of the seasons. They hold no Christian values for me.
So I'm not a Christian and I celebrate these holidays. So I'm not a Christian and I donate to churches. Apparently that last fact is surprising to some. Sure, I don't believe in the same thing that you do, but I know that churches are always looking for funding, especially small ones. Just because I don't believe the same thing as you doesn't mean that I can't see how important it is to you.
I think that faith is a very big thing. I think that if you have something in your life that is so important to you that it dictates how you live your life, then that should be fostered. If you're passionate about it, I will support you. The thing that bothers me with organized religion in general is the blind faith I see.
The mentality that "my parents believed this, therefore I will as well" without asking any questions is my issue. That's why I will bring up discussions about religion and things that I have personally seen wrong with the faith. If you can discuss your point without getting angry, and with backing up your belief with what sound like solid facts, then I respect you. I'm not out to evangelize for deism or any other religion (or lack of one).
That leads into another issue I have with religion: telling me I'm going to hell because I don't believe what you say is true is not going to convert me. If it converts someone to Christianity, then I think they're doing it for the wrong reasons. That is not true faith. Joining up because of that is another example of blind faith. This happens with all religions, though, not just Christianity; I'm using Christianity because it's the one I know best (having been a Christian before), and because it's the one I'm constantly surrounded by.
I feel like when I went to church this weekend, the sermon was slightly directed at me. Celebrate because Jesus has risen! I have historical proof outside the Bible that he existed! If you were a Christian before but lost your way, come back to God and Jesus and join our church! There's a good chance it wasn't, but seeing as the minister is my boyfriend's father and knows that I'm a deist, there's also a chance it slightly was.
I'm not against all religions. I'm against organized religions that take their message too far. I figure that there are too many religions out there, with multiple similarities, that I can't be sure of which one is right. Do I believe in a higher power? Yes. Do I believe Jesus existed? I believe there was a man named Jesus. Do I believe he was the son of God? That I don't. Might I believe it in the future? If I can have more proof.
I'm open to possibilities.
Monday, April 18, 2011
The Writing Writer
Time to write. I'm sitting in class right now, and I'm waiting for things to print instead of memorizing lines. I've been relocated in my duties right now, so I'll take the time to be productive.
All semester I've been in this immersive learning class, and we've created a lot of things for it. Magazines, programs, invitations, and our presentation Thursday night. We're all kind of feeling the end of the semester. We've been around each other the whole semester, and we're looking at Thursday as a relief from the stress.
Through this class I've realized that there is a definite need to have different people around you, and different classes as well. Doing the same thing day in and day out gets tedious after awhile, and seeing the same people does the same. Differing ideas make it hard to compromise, and stubborn people make it even more so.
It's been a good time, but I'm definitely ready to get back to my journalism classes. Sure, I want to keep advocating for our program after I'm done with this semester (and with school), but I want to get back to magazine writing. I want to interview people. I want to write their stories. I want to be surrounded by people who have an idea of what they're doing. I want people who have studied magazines (or at least read them on a fairly consistent basis) telling me what I should and should not do. I need people who understand the process to be around me.
I never realized how much I actually love my major until a few weeks ago. Sure, it's great to write things, and talk to people, and be charged with the task of telling their story. I knew I already loved those parts. But being told that I was an inspiration, that what we created was inspirational to one person, was more than enough. Seeing everyone's faces when we brought the proof back, and watching them light up when they went through it, made me feel worth it. They didn't even linger on their own stories.
None of them had seen what it would look like as a whole, and watching them gaze at the final product in awe was amazing. We didn't even have it printed on the correct paper, and they wanted more. They finally realized that it was all worth it, that we should have printed as many as we did, and that we should have spent all that time and money getting through it.
Knowing that these 12 people were amazed by it fuels me to work that much harder in my final year in college. I know it was a new idea, a new concept, but knowing that they got joy out of it makes me want to do so much next year and leave my mark. Everyone knows about Ball Bearings, you get an issue when you come for freshman orientation. I want to be a part of it, finally. I want to be on the writers list. I want my ideas to be written by me. I want my name in the magazine.
I want to have an internship where I can get a lot of experience talking to people, writing about them, and hearing from them. I'm fine with feedback, positive or negative. I've had to deal with negative in the past few weeks, but I've learned how to deal with that. I want to be working on deadline, to be helping with the design process, to be out there taking my own pictures. I want to write.
I want to be a magazine writer. I want my own magazine. And some day, I'll check those off my to-do list.
All semester I've been in this immersive learning class, and we've created a lot of things for it. Magazines, programs, invitations, and our presentation Thursday night. We're all kind of feeling the end of the semester. We've been around each other the whole semester, and we're looking at Thursday as a relief from the stress.
Through this class I've realized that there is a definite need to have different people around you, and different classes as well. Doing the same thing day in and day out gets tedious after awhile, and seeing the same people does the same. Differing ideas make it hard to compromise, and stubborn people make it even more so.
It's been a good time, but I'm definitely ready to get back to my journalism classes. Sure, I want to keep advocating for our program after I'm done with this semester (and with school), but I want to get back to magazine writing. I want to interview people. I want to write their stories. I want to be surrounded by people who have an idea of what they're doing. I want people who have studied magazines (or at least read them on a fairly consistent basis) telling me what I should and should not do. I need people who understand the process to be around me.
I never realized how much I actually love my major until a few weeks ago. Sure, it's great to write things, and talk to people, and be charged with the task of telling their story. I knew I already loved those parts. But being told that I was an inspiration, that what we created was inspirational to one person, was more than enough. Seeing everyone's faces when we brought the proof back, and watching them light up when they went through it, made me feel worth it. They didn't even linger on their own stories.
None of them had seen what it would look like as a whole, and watching them gaze at the final product in awe was amazing. We didn't even have it printed on the correct paper, and they wanted more. They finally realized that it was all worth it, that we should have printed as many as we did, and that we should have spent all that time and money getting through it.
Knowing that these 12 people were amazed by it fuels me to work that much harder in my final year in college. I know it was a new idea, a new concept, but knowing that they got joy out of it makes me want to do so much next year and leave my mark. Everyone knows about Ball Bearings, you get an issue when you come for freshman orientation. I want to be a part of it, finally. I want to be on the writers list. I want my ideas to be written by me. I want my name in the magazine.
I want to have an internship where I can get a lot of experience talking to people, writing about them, and hearing from them. I'm fine with feedback, positive or negative. I've had to deal with negative in the past few weeks, but I've learned how to deal with that. I want to be working on deadline, to be helping with the design process, to be out there taking my own pictures. I want to write.
I want to be a magazine writer. I want my own magazine. And some day, I'll check those off my to-do list.
Friday, February 11, 2011
Begin Again
Well, it's been awhile since I last posted. Spring semester started, and I'm in a seminar for the whole semester. That means I'm not in normal classes, and we're developing a sexual assault prevention program. That's been taking up most of my time, and work, and fencing, and Adam. Not necessarily in that order, but it's still been a fairly busy semester already. And most of what's been on my mind is sexual assault, so that's just no fun.
But there is something else that I've been thinking about lately. Tif just celebrated her two year anniversary a few weeks ago, and a few people in seminar have talked about dating their significant others for a few years. Adam's been in relationships for a few years. And I haven't.
The longest relationship I've been in is a little under a year and a half. But everyone else my age has two or three years under their belts. And that longest relationship was one that I knew wouldn't work out in the end. So it really makes me question if I can have a long-term relationship, or if I'm stuck having shorter relationships and placing my love in people that won't work out?
I mean, I'm pretty sure I could stay in a relationship for a few years, forbidding any unfortunate circumstances that would make most couples break up. But I've never really had a chance to try, because unfortunate circumstances have happened. Being cheated on, being second best, things like that come up and I have no control over them. Things ended after all of that, and depending on what happened, I ended things.
Which leads me to another (potentially frightening) thought: What if there's something wrong with me? Is the reason I've never had a long-term relationship because of me? Is it my personality? Am I boring? Do I do something that makes them annoyed? Is whatever I'm doing preventable? I am the common denominator in all of my relationships, so logically I am the reason I've not had a long-term one.
There's nothing I can do to change that, though. I mean, I could ask all of the people who dumped me why they chose to, but that might not reveal much information. Or I already know why, and then things really are out of my control. So what is it about me that screams "I'm not worthy of a long-term relationship?"
I know my self-confidence issues probably didn't help things before, but I've slowly been getting better at that. And for awhile after I had that worked out, no one was interested. Now, of course, that's a different story. A different story that will eventually pose another problem, so long as things keep going the way they're going.
I'm graduating next year. He isn't. I'm planning on going home after that. He's gotta stay here. Long distance relationships don't usually work for me, as I've learned from the past. And honestly, I don't think I'd stay here unless I had a ring on my finger (which I'm just now admitting, both to myself and to others), and I wouldn't want someone to follow me unless we were engaged as well. But I don't want to be engaged fresh out of college either.
So yes, I would like to get married at some point in time in my life. But if I can't even make a relationship last very long now, how am I going to be able to make a marriage last for 30+ years? I don't want to get a divorce. I don't really want to be alone, but I could probably settle into being alone.
I just don't want to settle anymore.
But there is something else that I've been thinking about lately. Tif just celebrated her two year anniversary a few weeks ago, and a few people in seminar have talked about dating their significant others for a few years. Adam's been in relationships for a few years. And I haven't.
The longest relationship I've been in is a little under a year and a half. But everyone else my age has two or three years under their belts. And that longest relationship was one that I knew wouldn't work out in the end. So it really makes me question if I can have a long-term relationship, or if I'm stuck having shorter relationships and placing my love in people that won't work out?
I mean, I'm pretty sure I could stay in a relationship for a few years, forbidding any unfortunate circumstances that would make most couples break up. But I've never really had a chance to try, because unfortunate circumstances have happened. Being cheated on, being second best, things like that come up and I have no control over them. Things ended after all of that, and depending on what happened, I ended things.
Which leads me to another (potentially frightening) thought: What if there's something wrong with me? Is the reason I've never had a long-term relationship because of me? Is it my personality? Am I boring? Do I do something that makes them annoyed? Is whatever I'm doing preventable? I am the common denominator in all of my relationships, so logically I am the reason I've not had a long-term one.
There's nothing I can do to change that, though. I mean, I could ask all of the people who dumped me why they chose to, but that might not reveal much information. Or I already know why, and then things really are out of my control. So what is it about me that screams "I'm not worthy of a long-term relationship?"
I know my self-confidence issues probably didn't help things before, but I've slowly been getting better at that. And for awhile after I had that worked out, no one was interested. Now, of course, that's a different story. A different story that will eventually pose another problem, so long as things keep going the way they're going.
I'm graduating next year. He isn't. I'm planning on going home after that. He's gotta stay here. Long distance relationships don't usually work for me, as I've learned from the past. And honestly, I don't think I'd stay here unless I had a ring on my finger (which I'm just now admitting, both to myself and to others), and I wouldn't want someone to follow me unless we were engaged as well. But I don't want to be engaged fresh out of college either.
So yes, I would like to get married at some point in time in my life. But if I can't even make a relationship last very long now, how am I going to be able to make a marriage last for 30+ years? I don't want to get a divorce. I don't really want to be alone, but I could probably settle into being alone.
I just don't want to settle anymore.
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