Harry's Wonderous World (69/90)

I went out Salsa dancing last night, that's why I didn't update. There's a lot on my mind, so the catch-up post is just random thoughts.

I cleaned out my clothes yesterday. It had gotten to the point where I couldn't fit everything in my closet and drawers, so I've been meaning to do it for awhile. I keep old clothes for various reasons: Either I think I'll be able to fit into them again when I lose weight, or they've got a special place in my heart. And I watch shows like "What Not to Wear" and wonder why some people can't part with certain clothes. But I couldn't do that with a whole drawer full of shirts that I either don't want to wear again, or can't fit into.

But I don't really think that's what today's make-up blog is going to be about, because if I hadn't gone out last night then I would've been watching the Harry Potter Weekend marathon on ABC Family. And I love these weekends, because they put the extended scenes in as well. This weekend is even more exciting because they're showing footage of Deathly Hallows. But they're playing them again right now.

I've got Sorceror's Stone on right now. It's mainly on as background as I write this, but every so often I look up. Richard Harris Dumbledore just gave a speech. I miss this Dumbledore. He had the grandfatherly bit to Dumbledore that's missing from Michael Gambon. Probably because Gambon hasn't read the books. And when I do look up, I start to say the lines. I can do that in peace because no one else is home. I've also got the facial expressions memorized when they speak their lines.

There's a possibility that I'm too attached to this series. I know I'm obsessed. I've been re-reading the series and talking to the books. I waited in my room with five different web sites on when the Deathly Hallows trailer was released. I've cried whenever anyone has died in the books this reading. I want my first tattoo to be something Potter-related. Either "accio," which is the summoning spell, or the Deathly Hallows symbol. I think I know more about Harry Potter than I do about history, which is my second major. And I want more.

Harry Potter is what made me want to write a book. I fell in love with the idea of creating someone out of thin air, and communicating my thoughts to others so we could all see the same thing through words. I've written about this before. But that's not the only thing Harry Potter's done for me.

Harry's helped me through a lot when I was younger. If I pop in one of the movies, or start reading one of the books, it instantly cheers me up. I continue to find new things in the books on every reading, and I just noticed something in the movie that I hadn't before. Harry may actually be the only male I can fully rely on in my life.

I mean, so long as I have the books and the movies, he'll always be there. I understand his actions, and if not then I can always re-visit them until I do. I know what he's thinking, and what he wants. Whenever I need him, I can easily see him. The only thing that stinks is that he's completely fictional. I wonder if that's a bit sad, that the only male I can depend on is a fictional character between the ages of 11 to 17 for most of the time I need him?

But it doesn't matter, because my love for him hasn't faded yet, and I can't see it fading anytime soon.

Out of Control (51/90)

Today was Father's Day. My father's in Maryland, so we didn't celebrate. I hung out with Bill.

And I read more Harry Potter. Oh did I read. And I have another quote for tonight. "Decent people are so easy to manipulate, Potter." Mad-Eye Moody/Barty Crouch Jr. Goblet of Fire page 676, American version. Crouch was referring to Cedric Diggory, and how he helped him through the tasks to make sure Harry got through everything. It struck a chord with me, because I know it to be true.

I've been manipulated in my past, on several occasions. I know this, and yet it keeps happening. I think I'm a decent person; I forgive, I don't get revenge, I keep my word, I'm loyal, etc. And I'm trusting. I trust that everyone means what they say, unless there's some reason not to. That's how I got manipulated big time the first time. I trusted him and his word, never thinking all he wanted to do was manipulate me to get his way.

But even after that, I still get manipulated. I think someone's trying to again, maybe even two, three, or four someones. I'm not sure yet. You see, I have a bit of a problem with seeing a manipulator in the moment. Usually I can see them after the fact, and I think it's the same way with a lot of decent people.

I know a lot of other friends have been manipulated, but to a lesser extent. The thing is, they realize it halfway through and save themselves. I don't. And I know why decent people are easy to manipulate; it's because we trust that everyone else is a decent person. We trust people, and want to make sure that everyone else gets a fair shake of things.

But we know that everyone's not a decent person. We don't take precautions against someone who doesn't seem too bad at first glance. It's only until it's obvious that we're getting manipulated that we figure it out, and even then it's hard to (at least for me). People take advantage of us for being some of the good people in the world, only to further their agenda, and it angers me.

Those who manipulate decent people purely for selfish reasons, especially those that hurt the decent ones, should feel ashamed of themselves. Generally speaking, though, they don't. Maybe it goes back to my post about guilt, and how some people don't have any. I'm not sure. I just wish decent people weren't so easy to manipulate, and weren't so often the targets of manipulation.

And to combat this, I'm being overcautious. We'll see what happens.

Better Man (49/90)

I'm about to go stay at a friend's house for the night, so I figured I should update now.

Today I drove through a ridiculous storm with my brother. Oh good lord, that's probably the worst storm I've seen in a bit. But my brother was fine with it. I, however, could hardly see out of the windshield, and the wipers were at their highest settings. But then again, I really don't like storms in general.

I've been reading Goblet of Fire a lot today, since I've been recently distracted by the new information about the Wizarding World of Harry Potter. Today's post may be about what Sirius Black says about Mr. Crouch when they all were discussing Winky. "If you want to know what a man's like, take a good look at how he treats his inferiors, not his equals." (My book is currently packed, and I'd like to finish this post before I leave in about five minutes, so I'll post other details later.)

It's really hard to tell who is someone's inferior and who's not nowadays. At least, not at first glance. You can run into two people on the bus and not see any differences between them, and then later you can find that one is "inferior" to the other. And the concept of inferiority has been changed now. It's not like the difference between a house-elf and a human; now it's much more subtle. It's the difference in a zero at the end of a paycheck. The difference of education. The difference of skill.

With this in mind, there are people who do believe that they are above the rest because of these reasons. And to see how they treat those "beneath" them will give you the measure of the man. Just walk around any city. There are so many homeless people, just wanting to be fed. Many people will just walk on by, mainly because of the stories we hear. They tell us that if you give them money, they'll just go and spend it on alcohol, not to help improve their situation.

But there are people who will give them food, instead of money. An easy way to combat this, and to help as well. And there are others who look down upon them, without knowing their situation in life. A good number of homeless people are veterans, I've heard. Sure, some of them may have done something in their past to get them to the position they're in today, but not all of them.

And there are those, who I have seen at my high school, who will not associate with someone if they don't live up to the standards they have been used to. For example, if the family doesn't make enough money, then they will start to distance themselves. The latest iPod or designer purse was the easiest way for some in our halls to base who was inferior to them.

It's sad to see how some people will treat others, based on superficial things like this. It goes along with Dumbledore's quote about choices, not abilities, that make who we are. Can we choose to ignore these "inferiorities" that exist? Or can we choose to eliminate them completely? Is it even possible?

How will we know if we don't try?

Don't Worry, Be Happy (41/90)

Hey guys. New design, the old one was too depressing. Drove around all day, basically.

So I finished Prisoner of Azkaban today. And I know that about a year ago I wrote about dementors and boggarts. But today I got to thinking more about the dementors. I know previously I've wondered whether dementors can make you re-live memories you've thought you've repressed. And I think that they would be able to. I mean, they make you re-live your worst memories.

And the only way to save yourself from them is by summoning up one of your happiest memories and saying a spell. Now, today I've been thinking about what memory I would use to battle a dementor. And nothing really sticks out. Most of my recent memories are either filled with anger or wonder, and haven't had anything to do with happiness. I really don't think that the last reason I was happy would be strong enough to produce a Patronus.

So of all the memories I have, what one memory would be strong enough to get me through the dark? I can remember certain events that did make me happy at that time, but I can't remember the feelings. All my sad feelings, on the other hand, are easy to recall. I know that when we went to Disney World for jazz band junior year I was incredibly happy, because I had a chance to be me and escape the horrors that I had created and put up with.

I know graduating was something I was excited about. I know going to college and having friends was fun. Watching certain shows was fun. I can just recall moments that were fun and exciting, but not the feelings that went with them. The last three moments in my life that I can think of to try and help me with my Patronus is the surprise I got a few weeks ago from Lauren, Tori, Bill, and Brittany, definitely. The second might actually be the Valentine's Dance Dave and I went to, back in February. And the last moment I was truly happy was when Dave came to visit for the New Year. And it took me three minutes of thinking to come up with those three memories.

So what does that mean? Am I never truly happy? I don't remember the times that I was instantly. It's a struggle to try and find them, and it's always been one. Maybe I just put so much pressure on being happy as a bigger feeling than what I normally feel, and I'm someone who's a pretty content person most times. Maybe I just want to feel something that's better than my normal.

Maybe I put too much pressure on myself to be happy, and because of it I never get to truly and fully experience it. Kind of like orgasms. If you put too much pressure on yourself to have one, then it makes it that much harder to achieve one. At least, that's what I've read about. So maybe for me being happy is like orgasming, which is weird to think about.

I don't want to go through life missing out on my orgasm of happiness, so I've decided to change this somehow. I still haven't figured out what it is yet. I know for orgasming they say you should relax and not worry about if you do or not. So maybe I should stop expecting myself to be happy, and it will just come to me, sneak up when I least expect it.

I hope so. I'd like to experience it fully.

Brighter (39/90)

Today was my mom's birthday, but since I have a lack of funds, we didn't really do anything. She had the day off though. We kinda hung out, and I finished Chamber of Secrets today.

And yes, today's post is inspired by Harry Potter again. And until the 18th, which is when I'm planning on being done with the series, you should probably expect them to be Harry Potter related or themed. So long as there's one quote that makes me think in every book, and I'm sure there will be. Tonight's is from Dumbledore. "It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities." (Chamber of Secrets, page 333, American version).

Which is good news to me, since I have very few abilities, but a lot of choices at hand. But then again, I'm a very indecisive person, so sometimes it's hard for me to make a choice. It takes me a lot of time usually to sit down and think through important choices. I'm really not an impulsive person, although I've been told it seems like I am? I do make impulsive small, inconsequential decisions, like driving down the street to get Burger King instead of Jimmy John's and things like that.

But overall, I do think about my choices, because I do believe that they do show what we are. It's easy enough to pretend to be something you're not. But put someone in a tough situation, and that's when what they're made of truly comes out. Or even something that's not so tough. Any situation is a chance to see what a person's like.

I've seen some choices made by people that have changed how I perceive them. Like intentionally manipulating someone to get what you want. And I know that to an extent a vast majority of people will use manipulation, but there are certain instances when I can't stand it. And that's because I've seen how far someone will go with their manipulation, and the resulting fallout and turmoil from it. The choice he made still mars how I see him.

Another choice I've seen is how far people will go to keep something from someone, just so they can still look like the knight in shining armor they wish to be. Using and then completely disregarding peoples' feelings just to keep what they had. Lying and going behind her back. And then not taking care of her when she needed it and going off to fulfill your own agenda. If I didn't like him before this year, I definitely don't now.

And I know my own choices have changed how I see myself. I've been talking about becoming someone who is more in control with her life, and now that I'm doing that I'm actually really starting to like myself. And I'm thinking that others around me are liking the fact that I'm liking me more. It's an interesting feeling. I wish I had discovered this before.

I wish I had actually taken Dumbledore's advice to heart when I first started reading the series. I have a feeling that I would've been a different person than who I am now, and probably would've reached this whole "liking myself" think a lot quicker if I had. But then I would've missed out on everything I've been through, which I think would be a tragedy for me to have missed out on. Although I do admit, some things I could've done without, but on the whole I actually appreciate what I've gone through.

I made my choices, and I'm still sticking to them. We'll see where they take me.

The Power (37/90)

Blogger was down when I was supposed to post, so I’ve decided to write the blog of June 6th in Word and see if I can’t copy/paste when it starts working again.

Basically all day I ready Harry Potter. When I first started I was really nervous, since I wasn’t sure if I’d still be as much in love with it as I have been. Five hours later, I was done with Sorceror’s Stone and starting on Chamber of Secrets. Obviously my fears were silly, because if I really wanted too I could finish Chamber of Secrets tonight as well. But I’m going to extend the time it takes me to finish reading the series, because I don’t really have much else to choose from to read, and I’m still loving the series.

And it’s not just because of the memories I have attached to it, or the storyline, or the writing. It can still make me think. near the end I started thinking about a few different things that may be later entries, but tonight’s will focus on what Voldemort says near the end. He says it in the movie too. “There is no good and evil, there is only power, and those too weak to seek it.” Professor Quirrell, Harry Potter and the Sorceror’s Stone, page 291 (American edition).

We’ve been told from the beginning that we’ve got to be “good” and that there is “evil” in the world. It’s everywhere: in our religion, in the movies, on TV shows, in books. It’s the central theme to countless plotlines. Usually we interpret something bad as being evil, like any of the seven deadly sins. But I think that there are a few instances where what we perceive as evil isn’t as bad as we make it out to be.

For example, lust. I’ve already shared some thoughts on lust, before I started the 90 in 90. It’s needed to have sex, plain and simple. You can take it to a bad place, when you abuse it. But in moderation, it’s a fairly safe feeling. Same with pride. Chefs should “stand behind their dishes,” which is basically taking pride in what they’ve produced. And being proud about your accomplishments isn’t inherently bad.

I think it’s the same with power. Everyone interprets the desire to have some power as a bad thing. But coming from someone who has felt powerless on multiple occasions, trying to gain power is not only liberating but healthy. It’s only when the quest for power consumes you, like in the case of Professor Quirrell, that it is a bad thing.

Maybe he’s right. Maybe there is only power, and I’ve been one of those who are too weak to seek it. Maybe I’ve been contenting myself with trying to be a “good” person and neglecting trying to get some power. Well, I know I’ve never actually gone out and tried to be a powerful person. I’m much more at ease trying to make everyone else happy. I’m afraid I’ll mess up if I do have a leadership position, and I don’t want to let people down.

But lately I’ve actually been trying to gain a little bit of power in my personal life. I’m taking more of a stand about what I want, and what will be happening to me. And it’s not going to my head, so it hasn’t started to become evil. It’ll take some time to get used to exerting a bit of power, but I don’t think it’ll ever go to my head.

At least, I hope I don’t misuse it.