It's been awhile since I last wrote something. That's mainly because I've had the worst writer's block lately. I have no idea what I'm going to write about today.
This is the first time that I've known how long I'll have alone time, and you know what? I don't really want to have the room to myself. I feel like being social and having fun with my friends. But I can't do that. Tif's at a self defense seminar all day, Lauren's at CPR training or celebrating her six month anniversary, and Tori's at Mounds Park doing archeological things. Jackie's back home with her boyfriend, and I don't really know anyone else that well that I'd like to hang out with.
No one from home is available to talk to, and I don't even think I'd have anything to talk to anyone about since I think I'm getting sick and I'm sleepy. Unfortunately, today is the point in time of being single where you kind of miss being in a relationship. I could've planned out a great day with him, ending in seeing Sharktopus on SyFy (which looks hilarious). Instead, I'm trying to think of things to write about and eventually going to Tif's self-defense seminar. I know I don't need to be in a relationship to be happy (unlike some people), but I'm starting to almost miss it a bit.
I'm at the point where I miss the cuddling. I miss getting a random text message. I miss knowing that at some point in time, someone's probably thinking about me. I miss having someone who wants to be around me. But really, that's about all that I miss about having a relationship/boyfriend.
I don't miss kissing anymore, or anything else that can progress from that. I don't miss trying to fit seeing him into my already stressful and busy schedule. I don't miss having to deal with other girls hitting on him and watching him flirt back. (Though I also miss not getting hit on or eye-f*cked.) I don't miss being frustrated with things he does. I almost don't miss that rush that you get when you're with them. I kind of don't miss being in love.
This is a first for me. I don't want to be in a relationship. I don't want to fall in love. What I want is to go on dates with people. What I want is good conversation. What I want is someone to talk to me with the intent of getting to know me, not getting in my pants. What I want is for someone to give me a hug when I need it, and watch a movie with me. What I want is to explore new interests, either for two people or just for me. What I want is to see someone do something they're passionate about, or hear them talk about it. What I want is adventure, something new to me.
Maybe I do want love then. Maybe that's the type of love I'm looking for. Not the type where you rush into things, and show your love through a physical means. Maybe I want deep, true love, where you're connected not only physically, but emotionally and intellectually.
I don't think I'll find that type of love here. I don't think I should find that type of love here. After my undergrad I'm not going to stay in Indiana. I'll probably go back home, maybe even to New York. So really, what's the point in finding that big love and expecting them to follow me? Especially since most of their family is probably still in Indiana.
But then again, maybe that's what you do when you truly love somebody.
Showing posts with label Dating. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Dating. Show all posts
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Monday, July 26, 2010
Never Take Friendship Personal (87/90)
I went to Panera with some high school friends.
It was slightly awkward, I felt. I don't remember the last time we were all together like that. I think it may have been a year ago, and we didn't part on the best of terms. But that's not the point of tonight's blog. I hope that I can get through what I've been thinking about with enough material to make a complete post.
Everyone at the lakehouse was single, so I felt comfortable revealing something I've been thinking about for awhile. "Bros before hoes" or "chicks before dicks" is just a saying. I don't know of anyone who has successfully followed these sayings completely. Yes, people try to do so, but I really haven't seen it done.
I know I haven't been able to follow this. There have been times in all of my relationships when I could have stayed with my friends, and instead hung out with whoever I was dating at the time. I give up time that I could spend with my friends to be with the guy. I've done it at school, and I've done it at home. Over fall break I had Dave come visit for a day instead of making plans to see my friends at home.
But I know that if it came down to choosing between someone I was dating and my friends for something that had a greater impact on my life than watching a movie with one or the other, then I'd go with my friends. They've seen me at my worst and stuck around even when I was being silly with the boy. And I know others who have the same.
But sometimes that isn't enough. Sometimes we have to step back from the relationship and realize that we've been neglecting our friends. Sometimes time seems to have gone on so fast that we don't even realize it. Sometimes we get so caught up in love and lust that we get addicted to it, and because we can't get those feelings from our friends, we don't instantly think about them when trying to make plans.
So long as we include them in our conversations, and try and make an effort to talk to them when we're not going through a crisis, though, we can maintain these friendships. Even when they do something we don't agree on, and wouldn't do in the first place. We can only give so much advice and hint so many different ways until they realize what's going on. And depending on if they're dating a boy/girl or a man/woman can make it easier to maintain friendships.
I don't call the males my age men, because they still act like the boys they were in high school. They still have unrealistic expectations or immaturities to grow out of. Granted, I don't know many women my age either. We have more unrealistic expectations, though. I like to think that we're young women, or young ladies. We're not girls anymore. But they are boys still.
It may just be the ones that I know, but they really do only have a few things on their minds, and about 99% of them have sex as a big motivator on the brain. Not really getting to know the young lady, either. Basically if she's not horrible and looks good, he will try and sleep with her. I honestly can't wait until I can find one who doesn't want me solely for that. I hear that they turn into young men around age 25.
Four more years. I've already dated for four years. This seems a bit daunting.
It was slightly awkward, I felt. I don't remember the last time we were all together like that. I think it may have been a year ago, and we didn't part on the best of terms. But that's not the point of tonight's blog. I hope that I can get through what I've been thinking about with enough material to make a complete post.
Everyone at the lakehouse was single, so I felt comfortable revealing something I've been thinking about for awhile. "Bros before hoes" or "chicks before dicks" is just a saying. I don't know of anyone who has successfully followed these sayings completely. Yes, people try to do so, but I really haven't seen it done.
I know I haven't been able to follow this. There have been times in all of my relationships when I could have stayed with my friends, and instead hung out with whoever I was dating at the time. I give up time that I could spend with my friends to be with the guy. I've done it at school, and I've done it at home. Over fall break I had Dave come visit for a day instead of making plans to see my friends at home.
But I know that if it came down to choosing between someone I was dating and my friends for something that had a greater impact on my life than watching a movie with one or the other, then I'd go with my friends. They've seen me at my worst and stuck around even when I was being silly with the boy. And I know others who have the same.
But sometimes that isn't enough. Sometimes we have to step back from the relationship and realize that we've been neglecting our friends. Sometimes time seems to have gone on so fast that we don't even realize it. Sometimes we get so caught up in love and lust that we get addicted to it, and because we can't get those feelings from our friends, we don't instantly think about them when trying to make plans.
So long as we include them in our conversations, and try and make an effort to talk to them when we're not going through a crisis, though, we can maintain these friendships. Even when they do something we don't agree on, and wouldn't do in the first place. We can only give so much advice and hint so many different ways until they realize what's going on. And depending on if they're dating a boy/girl or a man/woman can make it easier to maintain friendships.
I don't call the males my age men, because they still act like the boys they were in high school. They still have unrealistic expectations or immaturities to grow out of. Granted, I don't know many women my age either. We have more unrealistic expectations, though. I like to think that we're young women, or young ladies. We're not girls anymore. But they are boys still.
It may just be the ones that I know, but they really do only have a few things on their minds, and about 99% of them have sex as a big motivator on the brain. Not really getting to know the young lady, either. Basically if she's not horrible and looks good, he will try and sleep with her. I honestly can't wait until I can find one who doesn't want me solely for that. I hear that they turn into young men around age 25.
Four more years. I've already dated for four years. This seems a bit daunting.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Love Train (25/90)
Finally finished Sex and the City! Still no call from a job. Still happy.
And while I was watching the last episode of Sex and the City, I got to thinking about Carrie's life. Actually, I got to thinking about all the character's lives, since everyone went through big changes in the end. Charlotte has always been the girl who's after finding Mr. Right, and has always had class. Miranda is a strong woman who won't take crap from any man, and is perfectly fine with being alone. Samantha knows what she wants, how to get it, and doesn't care what others think.
And then there's Carrie. She's the one I most relate to, not just because she's a writer. She's always between guys, and between love. Sometimes she's in a long, committed relationship; sometimes she's just dating someone for a few weeks, maybe months. She's always out there looking for love, and has stumbled on the way. Not only that, but she loves shoes, just like I do.
Today I watched the last few, where she leaves her whole life behind for a guy. Now, I didn't like this guy that she dated. I didn't think he was a good match for her, and she uprooted her life for him in Paris. Sounds like something I'd do, honestly. If I thought there was a chance to be madly in love with someone and decide to follow them for their career gains, and give up my own career, I'd probably do it. Which is a scary thought, honestly. I wonder if anyone would abuse this information I'm typing.
But there was a reason I didn't like this guy. He really didn't care about her being her own person; it was more like how a wife was expected to be in the 50's. And that's not how Carrie (or myself) can live. So she gave it a try for a while, and realized she couldn't do it. And then he just decided not to discuss her feelings that night, and put it off, like it wasn't important. It really sounds like the type of guy I go for.
And then, of course, the love of her life was there, waiting to sweep her off her feet. While I'm not sure who that is yet, I do know that sometimes her dating patterns reflect mine. And I really don't want to have to deal with what she goes through with men. While I must admit that I've had my fair share of boys who could be forerunners to some characters that walked through her life, I'm really hoping I don't run into the problems she does. Mainly a recurring love interest.
But what really got me thinking was about how she seemed to always find her way back to Big, and the different lengths of her relationships. And I started looking back on all of my relationships. I found a pattern. Apparently I'm very prone to falling into patterns, which has gotten me in trouble a few times in my love history.
But this pattern hasn't really burned me too much in the past. I seem to go from having a serious relationship to one that burns out fairly quickly.
PJ: officially 5 months. Don't ask me the rest.
Nick: about 2 months.
Zack: 1 year, 3 months.
Jose: 4 months. However, around month three was when I was trying to figure out a tactful way to get out of it.
Dave: 7 months. (and you know the rest)
So after every serious relationship (so far), I've had a fun one that I knew going into it didn't have much of a chance to last, but I still tried to make it work. I think that probably everyone else has something like this, but I'm really bad with patterns and such, so I'm nervous to see where this will lead me. And you know what? Maybe right now I shouldn't be concerned with finding Mr. Right. Because if I go out and keep looking for him, it may take me forever to find him. Maybe he'll just fall into my lap (like Charlotte and Harry).
But I'm not sure. I'm a girl who really likes physical contact, especially cuddling. I'm a flirt. I didn't go out there looking for either Mr. Right or Mr. Right Now last year, and look where it landed me. Not that I'm really complaining about it. I view everything I go through as a learning experience, and I live with no regrets. So what am I planning on doing with relationships right now?
I think I'll go with the flow. If I find love where I didn't expect it to be, cool. If I don't find love, no stressing. Stick to my old plan of going on dates with people. See where that leads me. Hopefully not back anywhere I've already been. I want to move forward with my life. I don't want any more confusion in my life. I want things to be clear and simple, for once.
I just want to be happy and carefree. Halfway there.
And while I was watching the last episode of Sex and the City, I got to thinking about Carrie's life. Actually, I got to thinking about all the character's lives, since everyone went through big changes in the end. Charlotte has always been the girl who's after finding Mr. Right, and has always had class. Miranda is a strong woman who won't take crap from any man, and is perfectly fine with being alone. Samantha knows what she wants, how to get it, and doesn't care what others think.
And then there's Carrie. She's the one I most relate to, not just because she's a writer. She's always between guys, and between love. Sometimes she's in a long, committed relationship; sometimes she's just dating someone for a few weeks, maybe months. She's always out there looking for love, and has stumbled on the way. Not only that, but she loves shoes, just like I do.
Today I watched the last few, where she leaves her whole life behind for a guy. Now, I didn't like this guy that she dated. I didn't think he was a good match for her, and she uprooted her life for him in Paris. Sounds like something I'd do, honestly. If I thought there was a chance to be madly in love with someone and decide to follow them for their career gains, and give up my own career, I'd probably do it. Which is a scary thought, honestly. I wonder if anyone would abuse this information I'm typing.
But there was a reason I didn't like this guy. He really didn't care about her being her own person; it was more like how a wife was expected to be in the 50's. And that's not how Carrie (or myself) can live. So she gave it a try for a while, and realized she couldn't do it. And then he just decided not to discuss her feelings that night, and put it off, like it wasn't important. It really sounds like the type of guy I go for.
And then, of course, the love of her life was there, waiting to sweep her off her feet. While I'm not sure who that is yet, I do know that sometimes her dating patterns reflect mine. And I really don't want to have to deal with what she goes through with men. While I must admit that I've had my fair share of boys who could be forerunners to some characters that walked through her life, I'm really hoping I don't run into the problems she does. Mainly a recurring love interest.
But what really got me thinking was about how she seemed to always find her way back to Big, and the different lengths of her relationships. And I started looking back on all of my relationships. I found a pattern. Apparently I'm very prone to falling into patterns, which has gotten me in trouble a few times in my love history.
But this pattern hasn't really burned me too much in the past. I seem to go from having a serious relationship to one that burns out fairly quickly.
PJ: officially 5 months. Don't ask me the rest.
Nick: about 2 months.
Zack: 1 year, 3 months.
Jose: 4 months. However, around month three was when I was trying to figure out a tactful way to get out of it.
Dave: 7 months. (and you know the rest)
So after every serious relationship (so far), I've had a fun one that I knew going into it didn't have much of a chance to last, but I still tried to make it work. I think that probably everyone else has something like this, but I'm really bad with patterns and such, so I'm nervous to see where this will lead me. And you know what? Maybe right now I shouldn't be concerned with finding Mr. Right. Because if I go out and keep looking for him, it may take me forever to find him. Maybe he'll just fall into my lap (like Charlotte and Harry).
But I'm not sure. I'm a girl who really likes physical contact, especially cuddling. I'm a flirt. I didn't go out there looking for either Mr. Right or Mr. Right Now last year, and look where it landed me. Not that I'm really complaining about it. I view everything I go through as a learning experience, and I live with no regrets. So what am I planning on doing with relationships right now?
I think I'll go with the flow. If I find love where I didn't expect it to be, cool. If I don't find love, no stressing. Stick to my old plan of going on dates with people. See where that leads me. Hopefully not back anywhere I've already been. I want to move forward with my life. I don't want any more confusion in my life. I want things to be clear and simple, for once.
I just want to be happy and carefree. Halfway there.
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