Don't Worry, Be Happy (41/90)

Hey guys. New design, the old one was too depressing. Drove around all day, basically.

So I finished Prisoner of Azkaban today. And I know that about a year ago I wrote about dementors and boggarts. But today I got to thinking more about the dementors. I know previously I've wondered whether dementors can make you re-live memories you've thought you've repressed. And I think that they would be able to. I mean, they make you re-live your worst memories.

And the only way to save yourself from them is by summoning up one of your happiest memories and saying a spell. Now, today I've been thinking about what memory I would use to battle a dementor. And nothing really sticks out. Most of my recent memories are either filled with anger or wonder, and haven't had anything to do with happiness. I really don't think that the last reason I was happy would be strong enough to produce a Patronus.

So of all the memories I have, what one memory would be strong enough to get me through the dark? I can remember certain events that did make me happy at that time, but I can't remember the feelings. All my sad feelings, on the other hand, are easy to recall. I know that when we went to Disney World for jazz band junior year I was incredibly happy, because I had a chance to be me and escape the horrors that I had created and put up with.

I know graduating was something I was excited about. I know going to college and having friends was fun. Watching certain shows was fun. I can just recall moments that were fun and exciting, but not the feelings that went with them. The last three moments in my life that I can think of to try and help me with my Patronus is the surprise I got a few weeks ago from Lauren, Tori, Bill, and Brittany, definitely. The second might actually be the Valentine's Dance Dave and I went to, back in February. And the last moment I was truly happy was when Dave came to visit for the New Year. And it took me three minutes of thinking to come up with those three memories.

So what does that mean? Am I never truly happy? I don't remember the times that I was instantly. It's a struggle to try and find them, and it's always been one. Maybe I just put so much pressure on being happy as a bigger feeling than what I normally feel, and I'm someone who's a pretty content person most times. Maybe I just want to feel something that's better than my normal.

Maybe I put too much pressure on myself to be happy, and because of it I never get to truly and fully experience it. Kind of like orgasms. If you put too much pressure on yourself to have one, then it makes it that much harder to achieve one. At least, that's what I've read about. So maybe for me being happy is like orgasming, which is weird to think about.

I don't want to go through life missing out on my orgasm of happiness, so I've decided to change this somehow. I still haven't figured out what it is yet. I know for orgasming they say you should relax and not worry about if you do or not. So maybe I should stop expecting myself to be happy, and it will just come to me, sneak up when I least expect it.

I hope so. I'd like to experience it fully.