The Weight of It

Summer's here. I got a 4.0 this semester, which is probably the first and the last time that'll happen in college. If I didn't get it, though, I would've been highly concerned.

I've hardly been home five days and I'm already thinking that I might go crazy. I get why people move out once they graduate college. I get why most of my friends stayed at school for the summer. I am back in this house that I lived in when I went to high school, before I was only an occasional guest in it. I need to get out.

But since I've been home and currently have no job, it's back to my old ways. Watching TV, missing people from school, and thinking that I need to lose weight. But this year I'm actually trying to do something about it, like portion control and regular exercise. I've just started and I'm already thinking that I'm going to go down a different path than I intend to.

Though Adam is great and only has good things to say about me, I still feel this need to look a certain way. Blame it on the magazines, on the supermodels, on TV, on whatever. But let's face it: compared to my friends, the ones who get more attention, who get called prettier more often than I, who fit in more with those other women, I don't really measure up. Or, rather, I measure too much.

I thought I had a handle on this last year, or even last semester. And for awhile there, I was feeling good about myself. But then life got hectic, I stopped working out as much, and Adam and I didn't really eat healthy, I gained the weight. And with him I didn't feel like I had to impress anyone anymore.

But now I'm home, bored out of my mind, watching TV shows with people at their biggest half my size. Now my mom tells me to shop in the plus-size section, when I'm perfectly capable of wearing "normal" sizes. Now she gets surprised when I eat a healthy dinner and go out and get more food because I'm hungry three hours later. Now I get hungry two hours after I eat, and there are slim pickings in the healthy and non-prepackaged foods.

I honestly think it's this house. There's nothing to do, nothing to eat, and everyone keeps to themselves. This house is what's bringing me down. Being alone, with a scale and a number, is what's bringing me down. Distance from Adam, with his friends who probably wouldn't think twice if he went off with a girl, is what's bringing me down. But those worries are for another time, I guess.

I wish I had the confidence that I had in October back.

**Please don't comment with anything along the lines of "You don't need to change," it's really not going to do much for me right now**

Losing my Religion

Showcase is over, which means I have time to relax again. That's nice. Almost too nice.

Good Friday was this past weekend, as was Easter. I'm not a religious person, but I do look forward to Christmas and Easter, though not for the religious reasons. I guess it's more of the Pagan traditions that they are based on that I like them: the gifts, the food, the random symbols of the seasons. They hold no Christian values for me.

So I'm not a Christian and I celebrate these holidays. So I'm not a Christian and I donate to churches. Apparently that last fact is surprising to some. Sure, I don't believe in the same thing that you do, but I know that churches are always looking for funding, especially small ones. Just because I don't believe the same thing as you doesn't mean that I can't see how important it is to you.

I think that faith is a very big thing. I think that if you have something in your life that is so important to you that it dictates how you live your life, then that should be fostered. If you're passionate about it, I will support you. The thing that bothers me with organized religion in general is the blind faith I see.

The mentality that "my parents believed this, therefore I will as well" without asking any questions is my issue. That's why I will bring up discussions about religion and things that I have personally seen wrong with the faith. If you can discuss your point without getting angry, and with backing up your belief with what sound like solid facts, then I respect you. I'm not out to evangelize for deism or any other religion (or lack of one).

That leads into another issue I have with religion: telling me I'm going to hell because I don't believe what you say is true is not going to convert me. If it converts someone to Christianity, then I think they're doing it for the wrong reasons. That is not true faith. Joining up because of that is another example of blind faith. This happens with all religions, though, not just Christianity; I'm using Christianity because it's the one I know best (having been a Christian before), and because it's the one I'm constantly surrounded by.

I feel like when I went to church this weekend, the sermon was slightly directed at me. Celebrate because Jesus has risen! I have historical proof outside the Bible that he existed! If you were a Christian before but lost your way, come back to God and Jesus and join our church! There's a good chance it wasn't, but seeing as the minister is my boyfriend's father and knows that I'm a deist, there's also a chance it slightly was.

I'm not against all religions. I'm against organized religions that take their message too far. I figure that there are too many religions out there, with multiple similarities, that I can't be sure of which one is right. Do I believe in a higher power? Yes. Do I believe Jesus existed? I believe there was a man named Jesus. Do I believe he was the son of God? That I don't. Might I believe it in the future? If I can have more proof.

I'm open to possibilities.

The Writing Writer

Time to write. I'm sitting in class right now, and I'm waiting for things to print instead of memorizing lines. I've been relocated in my duties right now, so I'll take the time to be productive.

All semester I've been in this immersive learning class, and we've created a lot of things for it. Magazines, programs, invitations, and our presentation Thursday night. We're all kind of feeling the end of the semester. We've been around each other the whole semester, and we're looking at Thursday as a relief from the stress.

Through this class I've realized that there is a definite need to have different people around you, and different classes as well. Doing the same thing day in and day out gets tedious after awhile, and seeing the same people does the same. Differing ideas make it hard to compromise, and stubborn people make it even more so.

It's been a good time, but I'm definitely ready to get back to my journalism classes. Sure, I want to keep advocating for our program after I'm done with this semester (and with school), but I want to get back to magazine writing. I want to interview people. I want to write their stories. I want to be surrounded by people who have an idea of what they're doing. I want people who have studied magazines (or at least read them on a fairly consistent basis) telling me what I should and should not do. I need people who understand the process to be around me.

I never realized how much I actually love my major until a few weeks ago. Sure, it's great to write things, and talk to people, and be charged with the task of telling their story. I knew I already loved those parts. But being told that I was an inspiration, that what we created was inspirational to one person, was more than enough. Seeing everyone's faces when we brought the proof back, and watching them light up when they went through it, made me feel worth it. They didn't even linger on their own stories.

None of them had seen what it would look like as a whole, and watching them gaze at the final product in awe was amazing. We didn't even have it printed on the correct paper, and they wanted more. They finally realized that it was all worth it, that we should have printed as many as we did, and that we should have spent all that time and money getting through it.

Knowing that these 12 people were amazed by it fuels me to work that much harder in my final year in college. I know it was a new idea, a new concept, but knowing that they got joy out of it makes me want to do so much next year and leave my mark. Everyone knows about Ball Bearings, you get an issue when you come for freshman orientation. I want to be a part of it, finally. I want to be on the writers list. I want my ideas to be written by me. I want my name in the magazine.

I want to have an internship where I can get a lot of experience talking to people, writing about them, and hearing from them. I'm fine with feedback, positive or negative. I've had to deal with negative in the past few weeks, but I've learned how to deal with that. I want to be working on deadline, to be helping with the design process, to be out there taking my own pictures. I want to write.

I want to be a magazine writer. I want my own magazine. And some day, I'll check those off my to-do list.

Begin Again

Well, it's been awhile since I last posted. Spring semester started, and I'm in a seminar for the whole semester. That means I'm not in normal classes, and we're developing a sexual assault prevention program. That's been taking up most of my time, and work, and fencing, and Adam. Not necessarily in that order, but it's still been a fairly busy semester already. And most of what's been on my mind is sexual assault, so that's just no fun.

But there is something else that I've been thinking about lately. Tif just celebrated her two year anniversary a few weeks ago, and a few people in seminar have talked about dating their significant others for a few years. Adam's been in relationships for a few years. And I haven't.

The longest relationship I've been in is a little under a year and a half. But everyone else my age has two or three years under their belts. And that longest relationship was one that I knew wouldn't work out in the end. So it really makes me question if I can have a long-term relationship, or if I'm stuck having shorter relationships and placing my love in people that won't work out?

I mean, I'm pretty sure I could stay in a relationship for a few years, forbidding any unfortunate circumstances that would make most couples break up. But I've never really had a chance to try, because unfortunate circumstances have happened. Being cheated on, being second best, things like that come up and I have no control over them. Things ended after all of that, and depending on what happened, I ended things.

Which leads me to another (potentially frightening) thought: What if there's something wrong with me? Is the reason I've never had a long-term relationship because of me? Is it my personality? Am I boring? Do I do something that makes them annoyed? Is whatever I'm doing preventable? I am the common denominator in all of my relationships, so logically I am the reason I've not had a long-term one.

There's nothing I can do to change that, though. I mean, I could ask all of the people who dumped me why they chose to, but that might not reveal much information. Or I already know why, and then things really are out of my control. So what is it about me that screams "I'm not worthy of a long-term relationship?"

I know my self-confidence issues probably didn't help things before, but I've slowly been getting better at that. And for awhile after I had that worked out, no one was interested. Now, of course, that's a different story. A different story that will eventually pose another problem, so long as things keep going the way they're going.

I'm graduating next year. He isn't. I'm planning on going home after that. He's gotta stay here. Long distance relationships don't usually work for me, as I've learned from the past. And honestly, I don't think I'd stay here unless I had a ring on my finger (which I'm just now admitting, both to myself and to others), and I wouldn't want someone to follow me unless we were engaged as well. But I don't want to be engaged fresh out of college either.

So yes, I would like to get married at some point in time in my life. But if I can't even make a relationship last very long now, how am I going to be able to make a marriage last for 30+ years? I don't want to get a divorce. I don't really want to be alone, but I could probably settle into being alone.

I just don't want to settle anymore.

Crazy Beautiful Life

Oh yes, happy new year to all my readers! It's a week into the new year, and I should be packing right now to go back to school in the morning. Instead, I'm sitting here with Facebook on one tab and Tumblr on another, waiting for a few people to send me text messages. My mom and I are watching football, both on our computers, while my brother's in the basement practicing guitar.

I don't really know what to write about tonight, all I know is that I want to write. That's a lie, I know what I want to write about, I just can't write it. I could write about what resolutions I've made for the new year, but they're pretty boring. I could write about how my Christmas turned out, but that feels like bragging. I could write about my boyfriend, but I'd like to get away from that theme on this blog. Starting new and such.

Have you ever thought about the past and how your life would have ended up if one thing had been different? For some reason I found myself thinking that a lot this break. How I might not have a brother or might not have moved out of Indiana if my mom hadn't needed a new car and subsequently met my (step)dad. How I might not have had the same drive and ambition to succeed if my (step)dad wasn't in my life. How I probably would've still ended up at the college I'm at anyway, but not known anyone I'm currently friends with.

Or if I hadn't dated some of the people I've dated. How different my personality would have been. How confident I may have been. How guarded I would be. If my views on relationships, on marriage, would be different. Or if some of them wouldn't have ended. Where would I be now? What would I be doing now? How would my blog have been this summer? Would my blog even exist?

Even further back. What if I had stayed in dance? Marching band may not have happened; instead, I could have been dancing in front of them at the football games. I may not have started saxophone; my whole high school experience could have been drastically different. In that case, my whole group of friends would have been different. Zack wouldn't have happened. I wouldn't know Anna or the Disney group. And the rest of my close friends I might have met through classes, but we'd be nowhere near as close.

I might not have stuck with the ballroom dance club on campus. If that hadn't happened, Dave wouldn't have happened either. I might have ended up as a dance major in college. I might not have gotten to this amount of curviness. I might have been anorexic or bulimic. I might not have had body image issues. I might not have had self-confidence issues. I might not be as passionate about anything I'm passionate about today. I might not have even gone to the same school. I might have been out in New York.

What if my kindergarten teacher hadn't been so amazing? I wouldn't have loved reading. I wouldn't have checked out over 20 books when I was younger every summer, every library trip. There's a chance I wouldn't have liked Harry Potter, or continued to read it. And in that case, there's a good chance I wouldn't have ended up a writer. Maybe I would've been better at science and math.

One small thing could've been different, and my whole life could have ended on a different path.

I'll Be Home for Christmas

I'm home for break, and done with my Spanish minor. That in itself is cause for excitement and happiness. But I'm sitting in my room hardly unpacked, with a pile of laundry that needs to be done. Instead I'm taking the bit of alone time I can have to blog, and possibly write later.

I was going to write about my whole body image struggle, since I've recently discovered this amazing blog. I started to do that, and it just took so much out of me that I've put a stop to it. Let's just say that detailing my past through some pretty dark days doesn't help bring in holiday cheer. However, that blog is so positive that it's worth checking out (yours truly is thinking of posting something there).

So what else is there to write about today? I've been struggling with ideas all day. Well, that's a lie. I've had another one, but it's quite sad and it got me down while writing it, so I decided to ditch the idea. I want to write something cheerful! It's almost the holidays!

Well, I guess I'll just write about what the holidays mean to me. Normally, we have forced family fun days when I'm home. But the holidays are different. We get to eat good food, and I at least don't really have to try to have fun with them. Christmas is probably my favorite family holiday. Since we were younger we'd put up the tree, get the presents, keep them all secret, then put them under the tree on Christmas Eve.

When we were younger we just threw all the ornaments on the tree. My mom would put out all the crafts we made in classes as our decorations. We each had a stocking, and they were usually filled with candies, fruits, and an occasional watch or toothbrush. They were the first thing we'd check on Christmas morning. My dog even got a present from her stocking.

Then we'd move on to the presents. We'd have an elf who handed out the presents, and we'd all unwrap at once. Thank you's were exchanged. I miss the joy of thinking that Santa was awesome and got us what we wanted. Thanking the air, thinking that Santa could hear us, and knew how grateful we were to him. Now I realize it was my parents. I think they really enjoyed being Santa for us.

The presents have progressively gotten more expensive, and there have been less under the tree as we've grown. Opening presents has gotten to be a shorter time, and somehow we've added watching one of The Santa Clause movies as a tradition. Usually there's some kind of breakfast that's not cereal to eat, and it's not so much Christmas morning as it is Christmas day.

After presents, my mom works on Christmas dinner. My brother and I open some of our presents, and since there's usually one that's some sort of gadget, we take it out and start reading the directions. My dad watches The Santa Clause. But lately, there have been a few big changes to our routines.

Last year one of my half-sisters came to visit. Last year, there were issues with my dad's check arriving on time. Last year, there was only one present under the tree for me. Last year, we went Christmas shopping the day after (this has never happened). Last year, my one present was returned, and the day after Christmas shopping resulted in a few necessities and one video game.

This year my sister's not coming to visit. This year they didn't wait for me to put up the Christmas tree. This year, I just want Disney movies. This year, if I don't get Disney movies, I think I'll be getting professional clothing. This year, my parents have no Christmas spirit. This year, they're doing the bare minimum with decorations. This year, they're talking about Christmas with a defeated air. This year, it seems like they don't even want to try to make it cheerful.

This year, I think I'm the only one with any Christmas cheer. But this year, I'm going to infect everyone with Christmas cheer somehow, even if it takes me until Christmas Eve, or even Christmas Day, to do so. My family needs some Christmas cheer after the year we've had, so I'm going to deliver it to them.

No more Grinches in my house!

The Man Who Can't Be Moved

Well, it's finals week. Last week was swamped with things to do, from Tuesday night on. It wasn't fun, work-wise. But now it's good. I get to relax today and some of tomorrow. But onto writing things. Things that I don't really know what to write about. I've been going for so long that I don't really have anything in my head to write about.

We've had TBS on the TV while we've been studying. Mainly Friends. And it's been getting me thinking about my own friends, and my life. We're going to get an apartment next year, which means we'll be more on our own than we have been at college so far. We have to get furniture, pay rent, and cook. Oh good lord, cooking. That's an interesting thought. And then I'll be farther from campus, which should be interesting. But we get our own apartment.

And then what about next year? The last year I'll be on campus. The last year I'll be in Muncie, and probably living in Indiana. I know it's a year away, but for some reason I keep thinking about it. I have no idea where I'm going to end up. A lot of people are talking about going to grad school, but I really don't know why I'd go, or where I'd end up for that matter. I kind of wanna just go and jump into work already, or go to fashion/dance/photography/culinary school. Go do something I have an interest in and no background whatsoever.

The only reason I'd be going to grad school would be because I like being a student and have nothing else to do with my life. But really, I'm kind of sick of school and just want to get on with my life. I'm still very reliant on my parents, and I kind of want to start going on my own. But that's what the apartment will be for next year.

But I don't even know why I'm thinking about graduation when I don't have any idea where I'm going to intern this summer. That's what I should really be focusing on, but my mind keeps jumping to even further in the future. And I think it's mostly about my future relationships.

I don't really want to leave my friends behind, but I'm afraid that it'll happen when I go back home. It's already hard enough to keep in touch with a lot of them, and I'm afraid that when I go home it'll be even harder. I don't want to think like that, but I don't want to lose them. I've got a whole year and a half though, to change things and figure them all out. But I want to stay friends with everyone, kind of like in Friends. But more importantly, I want them to be like in Sex and the City. The four friends who stick together through everything well into their 30's. Weekly brunches and things like that.

I think I've been thinking too much, because I've even been thinking about people that I've just met, and how things will play out in the future. I've already become incredibly attached to this school, these people, my job, and this year in general. It makes me incredibly sad to think that because I'm just one state over, I won't be close to the people who have become my second family at school. So I guess I'll try and keep things the way they are with some, and improve them greatly for the rest.

*This has kind of been a throwaway post*