Because (36/90)

I got my birthday post in, and had a good time last night. Cheers!

Last night we started off at Anna's house with a bit of pregaming. We sat around and chatted with her sister and her parents for a bit, and then were off. The thing is, we forgot that there was a game last night: Blackhawks vs. Flyers. And since we're so close to Chicago, naturally the bars were packed. There wasn't any dancing, just older people crowding the bar, yelling when goals were scored, groaning when the Flyers had any sort of luck.

We sat there until the game ended, and made our way to the bar she celebrated her 21st at. There were a few fans still waiting it out, but mostly it had been transformed into a fun bar again. Anna and I were, surprisingly, the most dressed up. So we went to the back and danced a bit. More shots. More dancing. Then we had to sit down a bit, because it finally started to catch up with us. And we wanted to dance with those of the male persuasion.

So we went to the front and started scoping out the place. There was a guy who had come in that was really cute, and Anna made me talk to him since it was my birthday. Turns out he was 35. So then we gave up on finding anyone around our age that wasn't with a girl. By this point we were definitely drunk, so we went back to her house.

When we got back to her house, something set us off, and then we stayed in her mudroom for at least ten minutes giggling and taking pictures. I'm pretty sure we scared her 12 year old sister. And it didn't stop there. We went to her room and talked to a few people. But since she had to wake up early, we went to bed early and still tipsy.




(Just an example of our good time)



It was a lot of fun. I don't need alcohol to have fun, but it sure as hell helped. I don't think I would've gone up to someone and asked them to dance if I hadn't had something in me, to be honest. I'm not one of those girls that does things like that. I was hoping to get asked, in fact. But we forgot the tiara that identified me as the birthday girl, so we settled.

It's not like I'm planning on taking a shot of "liquid courage" before doing something remotely scary, but it was nice not really being as nervous as I usually would be. I think I may integrate that into my life a bit more often. Ask for what you want, speak your mind, what's the worst that can happen? A refusal? Then it wasn't meant to be.

I actually did slightly do this earlier today. And honestly I've been freaking out all day about one thing or another, so admitting a small part of it to the source wasn't settling by any means, or relieving. It just felt like something I had to do if I wanted to be able to live with myself after anything happened. I mean, maybe something will change because of it. Probably not on his end, but perhaps on mine?

I like taking charge of my destiny. I've never really done that before.

Don't Drink the Water (35/90)

Today's my birthday! And I'm waiting to go out, so I figured I may as well blog tonight.

I'm currently wearing a dress that is designed for someone with a smaller chest than I've been blessed with, but tonight I'm perfectly fine with it. You know why? Because I'm going Latin dancing tonight, and would prefer to wear a dress that swings out when I turn. I love spinning around a dance floor. And it really makes me look quite skinny, a plus when going out with Anna.

I'm getting more and more excited as I sit here waiting until it's a good enough time for me to leave the house and head out to Anna's. I'm not really imagining what we're going to be doing, since I don't even know where we're going. All I know is that we're going to downtown Naperville, fairly close to Anna's house, and having a good time. There will be dancing and alcohol involved.

I've gotten myself all prettied up for tonight. I hope I'm not too overdone. But I think that even if I am, it won't really matter, because hey, it's my 21st birthday! I think I can get away with it. And hopefully I'll be dancing so much that people won't really realize it if I am overdessed. I'm not worried about being underdressed, mainly because I've worn this dress to special occasions and felt in place. And it's a black dress with pink trim. Simple but easily integrated.

And I just realized I described my wardrobe. I think I've been reading too much of Pride and Prejudice and Zombies and have accidentally channeled Lydia. My mother keeps warning me about being safe and careful and all that jazz as I'm waiting to leave. I don't know why she doesn't think I can take care of myself. I know that all mothers worry about their daughters, but this is more worry then even when I went to college.

But I don't share her concern. I'm not planning on drinking a lot tonight, since Anna has to get up early tomorrow, and I'm staying at her house. I need to be able to drive myself home at about 9 in the morning, so I can't be drunk or hungover. But I'm still planning on having myself a grand time. I've never felt the need to have alcohol help me have a good time. Now I'm doing it just because I can.

So I think I'll end this and belt out the last few Glee tunes to get myself properly excited before driving away.

Language Lessons (34/90)

Well, dear reader, I didn't get around to trying to write today. My day of cleaning and exercising took longer than I anticipated.

So I don't have anything really to write about either. Something that's been in my head for about 24 hours now is how word choice can easily change the mood or mind of whatever is being talked about. For example, in my extreme boredom but slight insomnia at about one in the morning, I use an application called StumbleUpon. And I stumbled upon a list of words women hate hearing. One of them, that's generally the word I've heard in all areas as one women don't like, is "moist."

I guess it's just an awkward word to say out loud. And the article was more concerned with things to say in the bedroom, so saying something along the lines of "You're so moist" is, understandably, awkward. It makes me think of cakes. Chocolate cakes with chocolate frosting that are extremely expensive, but can be because they're so moist. But I guess since I've never had anyone tell me I'm "moist," I really don't hold a grudge against the word.

There are some words that have so many synonyms. One that pops into my head that isn't moist or wet is laugh. There are so many different ways: chuckle, chortle, giggle, snort, etc. And while each of them basically describe the same action, you know how funny something is based on the adjective. If someone snorts, then it's just amusing. Generally speaking, you chuckle because it's a pity reaction. Laughter is for something you truly find funny, and giggles are usually little laughs at something cute that was said.

Another such word is sex. There are so many ways to say "have sex." Make love, f*ck, do each other, coitus, screwing, and the list goes on. And you know, depending on what one is said, what the intent of the other person is. Making love is generally for people in a relationship. If you haven't said that "love" word yet, but are still engaging in the act, then you can say sex. Sometimes using the word sex to describe the act is for those who think that even if you're not in a relationship, that it would mean something, or that there's some interest in the person besides for the physical.

And then when the word f*ck is used, you instantly know it's just about lust and gratifying the sexual desire. It's the basest way to describe the act without sounding either technical or comical. Some may pretend that there really isn't a difference between the words, but there is. Some claim f*ck is better for dirty talk. But to be honest, it quickly conveys the fact that all you want is a good lay with no emotional attachment at all.

There's a reason why poets and authors will sit there struggling to find the best word for the sentence. When there's something that seems as ambiguous as "laughed" or "chortled" that can be such a struggle, it's almost a wonder how quickly things can be written. I know that a few times during this post, and throughout many others, I have paused to try and find the best way to word my thoughts, because the best words sometimes escape me.

There are probably few out there who care about the differences, which is slightly saddening.

The Undeveloped Story (33/90)

Today I danced, sang, and met with a friend. Then I took my brother to his Hapkido lesson, and drove him home.

I've really not had too much on my mind today. I know I want to write some more, and more than just my thoughts on here. I want to get back into creative writing. I've got an idea for a nice collection of short stories that I started on last summer, and I've been meaning to return to it. But for some reason, I haven't quite gotten around to it.

I guess it's because I'm not trying to take the easy route with it. I'm trying to do a story based on each of the seven deadly sins, but in an unconventional sense. And I wrote the one about greed for my final in my creative writing class, and started wrath last year. I don't think I'm happy with where the story's heading.

Right now it's about a girl who still holds a grudge after two years, because someone stole her boyfriend. She's planning on finally getting her revenge by pretending to be a lesbian and embarrassing the girl that way. But my heart really isn't into the plot anymore; to be honest, I'm not sure if it ever truly was. I think I was just writing to try and progress the story. I read it again this summer, and it's really nowhere near my best work.

I know the easy way is to move on to lust. Everyone's experienced it (I'm actually experiencing it right now, via texts), and it's so easy to come up with an idea for it. But I want to save it for later in the series, maybe even last. Greed is also an easy one to do, but I think that I put enough of a spin on it that it's different.

Maybe I should scrap wrath and move on to another sin, like gluttony. I feel like that one could be easy too, so I have to come up with a new angle for it. I'll see what I can come up with tonight, and hopefully have a plan of attack in the morning. It's rather hard to come up with an idea when your head's filled with promises of things to come. So it's been hard for me to concentrate both on this post and on other things I try to do that aren't completely engaging, like writing a story I have little interest in.

So I've just added something else to my agenda for tomorrow, besides vacuuming and cleaning a bathroom. I'll force something out of me on some deadly sin besides lust, even if it's utter crap. I'll also probably write my post for tomorrow sometime during the day, since I'll be 21 on Friday. I'm hoping I'll be able to go out and buy my first drink at midnight, but my mom's not too thrilled with the idea. That, and I haven't found anyone to drive me home afterwords. So I may actually be ringing in my birthday at home.

But I have plans for the night. Big plans. Plans that involve dancing and lots of consumption. So I'm excited. I probably won't be anything near coherent on June 4th, so I may just skip that blog and post two the day after. I probably will, just so I can share what happened. I really don't know why I'm so excited about it, and neither does my mother.

But Friday can't come soon enough.

The New Workout Plan (32/90)

Today I laid around, then went to dinner with a friend.

I really haven't had much on my mind today. Of course, after I blog last night about not foreseeing any issues with coming up with something to write about, I hit a brick wall. I don't really feel like pulling from my bank of saved ideas, either. It's not my fault that most of my thoughts today concerned one person, and whether I'd get to talk to him today (which I haven't had a chance to do). And in doing so, I've started to analyze myself.

Nothing really deep. It's purely superficial. But I'm also going to the beach in less than a month, so I think it would be amazing if I could either hit my goal weight by then, or have some definite tone in my body. And I haven't really been keeping up with weighing myself very often, and have no concrete numbers to base my improvement off of. But I think I do better without numbers. I only have what I have from the end of the school year, and I've already seen improvements with those.

But I think the thing that I most want to see, and am beginning to see, are physical results. I did a Jillian Michaels work out today (she's pretty intense for those of us who aren't athletes), and I worked up a disgusting sweat. I had sweat dripping into my ears. I admit, I had to stop a few times, but after I got out of the shower, I wasn't really too sore. Those kind of results are some of the ones I take pride in.

And then, when I was getting out of the shower, I noticed that I can actually see some muscles starting to develop. That got me excited. Not only could I see them in my obliques, but I could also see it in my arms and shoulders, and even a bit on my thighs. I got dressed today, and my pants fit me a lot better than they have in awhile. And when I took a nap out of sheer boredom today, after pushing distracting thoughts from my mind for a few minutes, I got to thinking.

I've been walking around differently. I've started doing it unconsciously, and when I notice I'm doing it I try and stop. But I've been standing taller and swinging my hips as I walk. And since it's an unconscious thing, I guess that means that I've started to take pride in how I look, and just haven't realized it yet?

I think having something to work towards is good for me. Somehow a concrete "I'm going to a beach in a month, and want to feel confident in my swimsuit" or "I've got someone in mind to impress" is more motivation than "I want to get to that number, so I can get a nameless guy to take interest." Because I can already tell that this summer is different than last summer.

It helps that I don't have a job this summer and hate not having something to do. And somehow this year I've even started eating healthier, almost unconsciously. Now, before I go out, I'll check the web site to see what has fewer calories and sodium. It's almost like I don't have to remind myself to do it anymore, it comes naturally.

But it's only the beginning of the summer. We'll see what happens in a month.

But It's Better if You Do (31/90)

Epic amounts of rain today, so I napped for quite a bit. There was only one thing on my mind, and it was more of a person.

And it was because of an ongoing conversation we had. I'm honestly not sure how long it lasted, but it was spread out over the course of about five hours. It just added to the happy feeling I've had since I saw Lauren, Tori, Bill, and Brittany standing in my door. But this conversation has had me thinking all day, and since everything's still really jumbled in my head I'm not going to write about it tonight. And it may be something I decide to keep to myself after all. I'm not too sure yet.

Instead, since yesterday marked being 1/3 of the way done with my 90 posts in 90 days, I thought I'd give you a bit of an update on how I'm doing with it. Of course, yesterday's post was rather shorter than usual, but the surprise of my friends plus the ongoing conversation effectively ruined my brain for any deep thought. For the most part, though, I've found it fairly easy to come up with topics and have enough material to blog about. The Miley Cyrus entry was done on a brain-dead night, and besides for that it's turning out much better than expected.

I even was able to blog through my apathetic phase. I think that one was just a need to reboot and recharge myself, in order to get to the place where I am today. So far it doesn't seem like I'll end up running out of ideas to write about. I've got a few extra phrases saved as drafts if I can't think of anything to write about for a day, from those days that I've had a few ideas bouncing around in my head.

So what else have I been up to, besides for the 90 in 90? I did say this was going to be my summer. "The Summer of Change," I called it. So far I've been eating healthier and sticking to my work out plan fairly well. I'm seeing and feeling results, just not on the scale. But I think I'm fine with that. My very good friend Margaret told me that I'm the same height and weight as Beyonce. And now, I really don't care if I hit my goal weight, so long as I look good and feel good.

I was planning on picking up my saxophone again this summer, at least twice a week. I haven't done that yet. I was planning on making lists of things I liked and didn't like about myself. To improve on my flaws and have encouragement for hard days. That never happened, but I don't think I need to. I think this first month was dedicated to letting go of things that were said or happened in the past. I usually don't hold a grudge, but I have a mind like an elephant's when it comes to times when I was upset by someone more than I let on.

I think for the month of June (my birthday month), I'm going to work on being more honest. I'm a pretty honest person, but I hide when I'm upset with someone, and the complete reason why. I don't want to upset people, so I just tell them a bit of what's bothering me. But I came forward last night about something instead of passively-aggressively ignoring the issue, and got an apology that I wouldn't have if I hadn't said anything.

These are just some of the things I wanted to do this summer. I've got about two more months of being at home before I have to go back to start training for my job during the school year. It feels like it'll be over in a flash, and that the rest of my summer will stretch out. I guess that's what happens when something (or someone) you're anticipating is waiting on the other end of the break. But I've also found that usually, the anticipation is more fun than the actual event.

This time, I hope the event's as much fun as this anticipation we've been having. If not more.

Friends (30/90)

So today I woke up, ready for a day of settling down with my family in front of the TV and meeting a friend for brunch.

At about 4, I hear the doorbell ring. And guess who's there? Lauren, Tori, Bill, and Brittany. They drove all the way here to bring me some fudge and brownies and hang out for awhile. I was completely and utterly surprised. And you know what we did? Sat around and watched Star Wars. I love my friends.

I really don't have anything to blog about. I'm extremely happy right now. I've never had a surprise this big before. They drove at least three hours to come here and see me. I hear they got lost for a bit too. And it was a last minute thing, too. They just left, and have a few more hours of night driving before they can sleep.

The only thing I wish that was different was if I had more for them to do. But they seemed to enjoy themselves, and I know I was happy they stopped by. I'm still pretty amazed at the fact that they were here. No one's ever really sprung a visit on me like that. Honestly, I think I may have started tearing up.

I really do love my friends. They're my family I got to choose.