Hi guys. Tonight's post is early because I'm going to the midnight airing of The Last Airbender (aka the true Avatar).
And tonight's post is going to be another rant. I ordered a swimsuit online a few days ago. From Victoria's Secret, who you would think would be willing to cater to busty women. I mean, their ad campaigns feature busty women who are thinner. I ordered a large, the biggest size in one of the few suits that I A) liked and B) might look good in. It came today, and I tried only the top on.
The top didn't fit. Even after I took out the padding. It didn't fit on the sides and it didn't lay flat against my ribs. It was gaping instead of sitting there, and there wasn't any support at all. And it defeated me today. I was actually feeling optimistic about this.
I've tried Victoria's Secret before, and occasionally do find things in the store. But it's a rare occasion. Which is why I'm not sure why I actually thought something might fit me. Maybe it's because I've lost some weight and thought that I might be able to fit something in their line.
But I couldn't. For anyone who may stumble across this who doesn't know me, I'm a girl with an hourglass figure. Quite curvy on top and on bottom, not much in the middle. What people say is the "ideal," and that people would kill for. And yet, it's becoming more of a struggle to find something that fits it.
There are days when I absolutely adore my body, and some days when I wish I didn't have it. Earlier today I actually quite liked it. After I tried on the swimsuit, however, my mood changed instantly. And I'm still looking at the swimsuit I have yet to repackage, and every time I look up I just get another sinking feeling in my stomach.
It's frustrating. It seems like every time I need to find something fitting, no one carries it for me. Obviously I have issues finding bras, if I have issues finding a swimsuit top that fits me. I can't find a pair of jeans that fits me correctly. I always have to wear a belt, and there is a good two inches of fabric at the front of my jeans that bunches because there's nothing in front to fill it with.
I would just like to find something that fits me correctly on the first try, not on try ten.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
What a Wonderful World (60/90)
I walked around today. It was rather nice outside.
I've had a request to write about where I want to travel and why, so I'll go on and ramble about that for a bit. I've always wanted to travel to a lot of different places. I've never been west of the Mississippi River, or out of the country. I got a passport over winter break because I was going to England, but that plan got spoiled.
I want to go to England, but you know that if you've read my bucket list post. I've always wanted to go: Everything about it fascinates me and has since first grade. And Great Britain in general; I'd love to explore everything. I'd go and see all the famous landmarks, of course. I haven't gotten around to planning out every detail of where I'd like to go yet, but I think it may become a summer project.
If I'm going to travel to a Spanish-speaking country, I'd love for it to be Spain. I like Castillian Spanish better than regular Spanish for some reason. I know a lot of people would prefer to speak straight Spanish, the kind that's primarily taught in schools. But Castillian has a certain beauty to it that I like. And I would like to travel to a Spanish-speaking country to try out my Spanish, and to learn more. Oh, and paella is delicious. I had it at an authentic Spanish restaurant in Naperville.
Another place on the mainland of Europe I'd like to go is Italy. It's close to Spanish, which is cool, and I hear that Italians are quite attractive. And, of course, all the art would be amazing to look at. I just really like learning about different cultures and trying new things. It'd be fun.
France could be fun too. I mean, that's somewhere that I'd like to go just because it's on everyone's list of places to visit. It's supposedly the city of love. I love baguettes. They are supposed to have amazing chefs. I like food a lot, can't you tell?
Wow, that didnt' take up nearly as much space or time as I thought it would. Those are the places I'd like to stop if I ever toured Europe. I'd start and end in Great Britain, and spend the most time there. Then I think I'd go to Paris, stay there for a week or two, then move on to Italy, stay there for about a week, then go on to Spain for a few weeks. I think I'd have to have a suitcase or two devoted entirely to souvenirs. And I'd have a lot of pictures.
I'd really like to tour Europe. That's first on my list of places to travel once I get the money.
And I apologize if this is rather disjointed and incoherent, I was distracted the whole time.
I've had a request to write about where I want to travel and why, so I'll go on and ramble about that for a bit. I've always wanted to travel to a lot of different places. I've never been west of the Mississippi River, or out of the country. I got a passport over winter break because I was going to England, but that plan got spoiled.
I want to go to England, but you know that if you've read my bucket list post. I've always wanted to go: Everything about it fascinates me and has since first grade. And Great Britain in general; I'd love to explore everything. I'd go and see all the famous landmarks, of course. I haven't gotten around to planning out every detail of where I'd like to go yet, but I think it may become a summer project.
If I'm going to travel to a Spanish-speaking country, I'd love for it to be Spain. I like Castillian Spanish better than regular Spanish for some reason. I know a lot of people would prefer to speak straight Spanish, the kind that's primarily taught in schools. But Castillian has a certain beauty to it that I like. And I would like to travel to a Spanish-speaking country to try out my Spanish, and to learn more. Oh, and paella is delicious. I had it at an authentic Spanish restaurant in Naperville.
Another place on the mainland of Europe I'd like to go is Italy. It's close to Spanish, which is cool, and I hear that Italians are quite attractive. And, of course, all the art would be amazing to look at. I just really like learning about different cultures and trying new things. It'd be fun.
France could be fun too. I mean, that's somewhere that I'd like to go just because it's on everyone's list of places to visit. It's supposedly the city of love. I love baguettes. They are supposed to have amazing chefs. I like food a lot, can't you tell?
Wow, that didnt' take up nearly as much space or time as I thought it would. Those are the places I'd like to stop if I ever toured Europe. I'd start and end in Great Britain, and spend the most time there. Then I think I'd go to Paris, stay there for a week or two, then move on to Italy, stay there for about a week, then go on to Spain for a few weeks. I think I'd have to have a suitcase or two devoted entirely to souvenirs. And I'd have a lot of pictures.
I'd really like to tour Europe. That's first on my list of places to travel once I get the money.
And I apologize if this is rather disjointed and incoherent, I was distracted the whole time.
Monday, June 28, 2010
Perfect World (59/90)
I did nothing besides for wait for the new Harry Potter trailer to be released.
I seem to keep running into not having much to blog about. And honestly, it's about two months into this challenge, and I guess it makes sense. Maybe I'll start asking around to see if there's anything people have been wondering about that I could have thoughts on. I want to have a lot of different topics on here, because I have a lot of interests. But my default is Harry Potter, and I think I need to rein my obsession a bit.
We're supposed to be going to the beach in a few weeks, so you know what that means: I need to start getting in shape again. I admit, I had a week-long stint where I really didn't do too much, and I really didn't care about it. I guess it was because at that point I didn't really have an outside factor to motivate me. I mean, yes, I always want to be thinner. But I've come to find out that in this area, me wanting to change just so that I can be at my ideal weight doesn't really help me keep to working out and eating well.
I admit, I didn't think we'd be going to Maryland this summer. I mean, plans already fell through twice for trips this summer, so why would this be any different? But I hear we've booked our flight, and we're looking at a hotel seriously now. And these past few weeks I wasn't sure if I had someone to impress come August. Quite honestly, I thought that there was very little chance that I would. But I got a surprise last night, and turns out I still do.
While I may not feel as good about myself as I know I could and should, it seems like I'm not alone with trying to obtain the "summer beach bod." I keep seeing work out articles in the "Today" of my MSN highlights. And if there isn't a work out, then a new diet plan, or things you shouldn't eat, or ways to mask your imperfections are featured. That's because everyone views you negatively if you don't look a certain way or are seen as overweight, or are completely lazy.
I will admit, there are a few people who I really wouldn't like to see in a swimsuit, but on the whole these articles are targeted at people like myself. People tell me I don't need to lose any weight, I'm good the way I am, etc. I even know that I'm healthy at this weight. But, as I'm sure I've written about a few times already, we need to go that extra mile to feel good about ourselves.
It's because we're constantly bombarded with (retouched) pictures that tell us what the ideal woman looks like. We've all seen them before, and since they are so prevalent, it sends the message that we need to look like that. The pictures and the articles are marketed toward those of us who have low self-esteem and feel like we need to fit into the mold to be seen as beautiful. And so we devour the articles and fatigue ourselves, trying desperately to lose those last ten pounds.
We don't do it because of our health. We do it because we've been told we need to look like this, even if we look around and see more women looking like us. Or we are never looked at because our friends are thinner than us and no one notices us. And then that number gets stuck in our heads, because we believe that everything will fall into place once we lose the weight.
We feel the need to impress everyone around us with our bodies, and feel like we can't if it's not perfect. Even though there are many more imperfect bodies out there, we work towards what we think is the ideal. And even though I know this, I'm still doing it. It's frustrating, but I won't stop working toward the ideal.
This is something I'm passionate about, so if this seems oddly familiar, I apologize.
I seem to keep running into not having much to blog about. And honestly, it's about two months into this challenge, and I guess it makes sense. Maybe I'll start asking around to see if there's anything people have been wondering about that I could have thoughts on. I want to have a lot of different topics on here, because I have a lot of interests. But my default is Harry Potter, and I think I need to rein my obsession a bit.
We're supposed to be going to the beach in a few weeks, so you know what that means: I need to start getting in shape again. I admit, I had a week-long stint where I really didn't do too much, and I really didn't care about it. I guess it was because at that point I didn't really have an outside factor to motivate me. I mean, yes, I always want to be thinner. But I've come to find out that in this area, me wanting to change just so that I can be at my ideal weight doesn't really help me keep to working out and eating well.
I admit, I didn't think we'd be going to Maryland this summer. I mean, plans already fell through twice for trips this summer, so why would this be any different? But I hear we've booked our flight, and we're looking at a hotel seriously now. And these past few weeks I wasn't sure if I had someone to impress come August. Quite honestly, I thought that there was very little chance that I would. But I got a surprise last night, and turns out I still do.
While I may not feel as good about myself as I know I could and should, it seems like I'm not alone with trying to obtain the "summer beach bod." I keep seeing work out articles in the "Today" of my MSN highlights. And if there isn't a work out, then a new diet plan, or things you shouldn't eat, or ways to mask your imperfections are featured. That's because everyone views you negatively if you don't look a certain way or are seen as overweight, or are completely lazy.
I will admit, there are a few people who I really wouldn't like to see in a swimsuit, but on the whole these articles are targeted at people like myself. People tell me I don't need to lose any weight, I'm good the way I am, etc. I even know that I'm healthy at this weight. But, as I'm sure I've written about a few times already, we need to go that extra mile to feel good about ourselves.
It's because we're constantly bombarded with (retouched) pictures that tell us what the ideal woman looks like. We've all seen them before, and since they are so prevalent, it sends the message that we need to look like that. The pictures and the articles are marketed toward those of us who have low self-esteem and feel like we need to fit into the mold to be seen as beautiful. And so we devour the articles and fatigue ourselves, trying desperately to lose those last ten pounds.
We don't do it because of our health. We do it because we've been told we need to look like this, even if we look around and see more women looking like us. Or we are never looked at because our friends are thinner than us and no one notices us. And then that number gets stuck in our heads, because we believe that everything will fall into place once we lose the weight.
We feel the need to impress everyone around us with our bodies, and feel like we can't if it's not perfect. Even though there are many more imperfect bodies out there, we work towards what we think is the ideal. And even though I know this, I'm still doing it. It's frustrating, but I won't stop working toward the ideal.
This is something I'm passionate about, so if this seems oddly familiar, I apologize.
Give it Up (58/90)
Went to a friend's and watched a movie. Slow movie, good story.
The movie was about one woman's journey to get her life back together for her son. It's called Clean. It didn't really make me think. I mean, it was good, but since I've no intentions of doing drugs, I didn't really have anything big come over me. And I'm not a musician, and I don't have a kid I'm trying to be able to be with again.
As I was thinking about something to write about, something did come to me. Is there or has there ever been someone that I would give up something that is such a big part of my life for? I mean, I'm not addicted to anything really, so I don't have anything I rely on to get me through the day.
I guess what I'd have to give up would be writing or reading, especially Harry Potter. Writing actually did get me through some of the toughest times I've had to face. It still does, as I'm sure you've noticed. And it's what I want to do with my life. It's what I'm best at, and I still enjoy doing it. You could say that I'm addicted to writing. There are some days when I just feel like writing, even if I've got nothing in my head.
And I'm sure you've gotten a bit of my obsession with Harry Potter. The series is still my favorite, I still find new things in each reading, and they will probably always be on my bookshelf. So I'm not sure if I could give up Harry or writing for someone I love.
I guess it depends on who it would be. I'm not sure if there's anyone I can depend on to get me through everything as much as I can depend on writing. Harry Potter, yes. I could give up Harry for quite a few of my friends: Margaret, Anna, Tif, Tori, Lauren. It's slightly disconcerting though, to figure out that you'd rather keep Harry Potter in your life then some of the people you used to be really close to.
I wonder if I would've given Harry Potter up for anyone that I was dating. At this point in time I'm not sure if my love for them would surpass my love for Harry Potter, if only because everything has changed between us. There are some that I may not even love anymore, so why give up something I love in order to continue to talk to them? Especially when I would be perfectly fine not to talk to them again.
Honestly, if it were a matter of life or death, I'd put Harry aside. I couldn't be that selfish. I'd just have someone read the books to me or something to that effect. So yes, I could give up Harry Potter for someone. For a few someones. But I'm not sure about writing. Once again, to save a life, yes I would.
But to continue to talk to someone? I'm not sure if I'd have it in me. I think I might be selfish there and keep my writing, lose a friend. Writing has been the only constant in my life; it's been with me since elementary school. I once won a writing contest for a short story that was later performed to the amusement of the school (I was in it, since I wrote it). The only people in my life who have been around for that long is my mother, father, and brother.
And anyway, I figure that I could always write to them and explain everything. I'm sure they'd understand. Imagine giving up your passion and knowing that the thing that gave you the greatest joy would never be available to you again. And you know not what lies ahead. Your passion may have been what helped you through life. I'm not even sure if I could give it up for the love of my life and be at ease with my decision.
Could you give up your passion to be with someone?
The movie was about one woman's journey to get her life back together for her son. It's called Clean. It didn't really make me think. I mean, it was good, but since I've no intentions of doing drugs, I didn't really have anything big come over me. And I'm not a musician, and I don't have a kid I'm trying to be able to be with again.
As I was thinking about something to write about, something did come to me. Is there or has there ever been someone that I would give up something that is such a big part of my life for? I mean, I'm not addicted to anything really, so I don't have anything I rely on to get me through the day.
I guess what I'd have to give up would be writing or reading, especially Harry Potter. Writing actually did get me through some of the toughest times I've had to face. It still does, as I'm sure you've noticed. And it's what I want to do with my life. It's what I'm best at, and I still enjoy doing it. You could say that I'm addicted to writing. There are some days when I just feel like writing, even if I've got nothing in my head.
And I'm sure you've gotten a bit of my obsession with Harry Potter. The series is still my favorite, I still find new things in each reading, and they will probably always be on my bookshelf. So I'm not sure if I could give up Harry or writing for someone I love.
I guess it depends on who it would be. I'm not sure if there's anyone I can depend on to get me through everything as much as I can depend on writing. Harry Potter, yes. I could give up Harry for quite a few of my friends: Margaret, Anna, Tif, Tori, Lauren. It's slightly disconcerting though, to figure out that you'd rather keep Harry Potter in your life then some of the people you used to be really close to.
I wonder if I would've given Harry Potter up for anyone that I was dating. At this point in time I'm not sure if my love for them would surpass my love for Harry Potter, if only because everything has changed between us. There are some that I may not even love anymore, so why give up something I love in order to continue to talk to them? Especially when I would be perfectly fine not to talk to them again.
Honestly, if it were a matter of life or death, I'd put Harry aside. I couldn't be that selfish. I'd just have someone read the books to me or something to that effect. So yes, I could give up Harry Potter for someone. For a few someones. But I'm not sure about writing. Once again, to save a life, yes I would.
But to continue to talk to someone? I'm not sure if I'd have it in me. I think I might be selfish there and keep my writing, lose a friend. Writing has been the only constant in my life; it's been with me since elementary school. I once won a writing contest for a short story that was later performed to the amusement of the school (I was in it, since I wrote it). The only people in my life who have been around for that long is my mother, father, and brother.
And anyway, I figure that I could always write to them and explain everything. I'm sure they'd understand. Imagine giving up your passion and knowing that the thing that gave you the greatest joy would never be available to you again. And you know not what lies ahead. Your passion may have been what helped you through life. I'm not even sure if I could give it up for the love of my life and be at ease with my decision.
Could you give up your passion to be with someone?
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Only Hope (57/90)
I did nothing today. My dad was home this weekend so I made no plans, and apparently neither did my parents.
I think all I did today was hope. I hoped that maybe we'd do something as a family. I hoped we would actually eat a meal together, or watch a movie together, or go to the mall. Just do something as a family, because I made sure that I could be with my family. But we just sat around, everyone in a different room, everyone doing their own thing.
I hope a lot. I hope for a lot of things, many of which I know have very little chance of ever happening. In the past I've hoped that people would have seen that I wasn't as okay as I pretended, and ask about it. I've hoped that maybe things could improve instead of getting worse for my family. And I know that just hoping isn't enough to exact change.
But it's all I can do. If I admit it to myself, I hope for a lot of things late at night. My thoughts, daydreams, whatever you'd like to call them, the ones before bed, are just hopes. And these hopes are as implausible as the others. These hopes have to do with a boy. Granted, they are based on what he's said to me.
My hopes are just that he follows through with what he says. That was the hope for tonight, and right now I've given up hope that he will. And still somehow on his end he hopes to get what he wants in the end, without giving anything. Tonight is the last night I'm going to hope that something could come of this, because right now it seems like my hopes are futile.
Usually when my hopes are shattered, I just lower my expectations. But if you keep lowering your expectations once your hope is gone just so you can hold out for more hope, then eventually you really have nothing to hope for. You can get all the way to hoping that they'll be a decent human being, and if you have to hope for that, then you should've been done with that hope a long time ago.
Lowering expectations in order to have hope isn't the way that hope works. You should be able to hope in whatever situation you are in, no matter the circumstances. If you have to lower your expectations, then you're hoping for the wrong thing. And I know hope is a funny thing, but if hoping is taking too much stress on you, then you need to find something, or someone, else to hope for, I think.
I just hope I'm right in this. Because I'm sick of hoping for the wrong ones.
I think all I did today was hope. I hoped that maybe we'd do something as a family. I hoped we would actually eat a meal together, or watch a movie together, or go to the mall. Just do something as a family, because I made sure that I could be with my family. But we just sat around, everyone in a different room, everyone doing their own thing.
I hope a lot. I hope for a lot of things, many of which I know have very little chance of ever happening. In the past I've hoped that people would have seen that I wasn't as okay as I pretended, and ask about it. I've hoped that maybe things could improve instead of getting worse for my family. And I know that just hoping isn't enough to exact change.
But it's all I can do. If I admit it to myself, I hope for a lot of things late at night. My thoughts, daydreams, whatever you'd like to call them, the ones before bed, are just hopes. And these hopes are as implausible as the others. These hopes have to do with a boy. Granted, they are based on what he's said to me.
My hopes are just that he follows through with what he says. That was the hope for tonight, and right now I've given up hope that he will. And still somehow on his end he hopes to get what he wants in the end, without giving anything. Tonight is the last night I'm going to hope that something could come of this, because right now it seems like my hopes are futile.
Usually when my hopes are shattered, I just lower my expectations. But if you keep lowering your expectations once your hope is gone just so you can hold out for more hope, then eventually you really have nothing to hope for. You can get all the way to hoping that they'll be a decent human being, and if you have to hope for that, then you should've been done with that hope a long time ago.
Lowering expectations in order to have hope isn't the way that hope works. You should be able to hope in whatever situation you are in, no matter the circumstances. If you have to lower your expectations, then you're hoping for the wrong thing. And I know hope is a funny thing, but if hoping is taking too much stress on you, then you need to find something, or someone, else to hope for, I think.
I just hope I'm right in this. Because I'm sick of hoping for the wrong ones.
Saturday, June 26, 2010
One of These Days (56/90)
I haven't done anything today really.
Last night my internet went out, so instead of doing something somewhat productive like working on my story, or reading Harry Potter, I played solitaire and listened to an album for an hour and a half. And today I didn't do anything productive at all. I didn't work out, didn't work on my story, and didn't clean up. I ate fast food twice today and sat in front of my TV or laptop. And I really didn't mind too much.
I've been thinking about the future a lot lately. It's understandable, because all that my summer's amounting to is me driving my brother around, eating with my friends, working out, and being on the computer. I do spare a few thoughts for August and the upcoming school year, but my future planning has been going a bit further than that.
Looking for potential future internships is incredibly difficult, I've come to find. Since I'm planning on doing mine next summer, the ones I want to look for have been filled, and the Web sites aren't advertising for next summer yet. I want to do an internship in Chicago, so I can just take the train every day and not have to worry about a place to live. But it seems like most of these internships are unpaid.
Yes, I need work experience. I need an internship to graduate. But I need to make money so that I don't have to continue to take loans out, so I'd really prefer a paid internship. And I'm not really having much luck with bigger names either; a lot of them are unpaid as well. And the big-name magazines are based in New York City, so I most definitely need some sort of income since I wouldn't be living at home.
It seems like I'm just looking to the summers, because I've also been thinking about the summer after I graduate. I'm thinking of going to graduate school right after, and I'm hoping to go to one in Chicago. I want to live in an apartment in downtown Chicago. I want to live in the city. I really wouldn't mind living in New York either. The only thing that stinks is that most of my college friends will be staying in Indiana.
But before I relocate to wherever grad school will be, I want to go to Europe. At the very least, I want to spend at least a week in England. I didn't get the chance to go this summer like I thought I would, because of complications, but I do have my passport for the first time. I think that I'll plan my own trip out, and see if I can't find at least one friend to accompany me. And if I have the money and time, then I'd also like to visit Spain, France, and Italy.
I haven't done a lot of research yet, but I do know that at the very least being in England and getting to go to London will be satisfying enough. I'd want to see everything and do everything, and if I could go then all the money I had saved would probably end up going to the trip, except for what was necessary for the apartment I'd be returning to.
And this future, while sparse, is one that I'm honestly excited about. It may not have concrete plans, it may just be vague ideas, and it may not include anyone other than my closest friends. For me, that's something that usually doesn't happen. I'm usually not comfortable if I don't have more than the bare minimum of information. But today, and lately, I've been embracing it.
Maybe it means I've finally reached a point in my life where I'm comfortable with seeing what the universe has in store for me.
Last night my internet went out, so instead of doing something somewhat productive like working on my story, or reading Harry Potter, I played solitaire and listened to an album for an hour and a half. And today I didn't do anything productive at all. I didn't work out, didn't work on my story, and didn't clean up. I ate fast food twice today and sat in front of my TV or laptop. And I really didn't mind too much.
I've been thinking about the future a lot lately. It's understandable, because all that my summer's amounting to is me driving my brother around, eating with my friends, working out, and being on the computer. I do spare a few thoughts for August and the upcoming school year, but my future planning has been going a bit further than that.
Looking for potential future internships is incredibly difficult, I've come to find. Since I'm planning on doing mine next summer, the ones I want to look for have been filled, and the Web sites aren't advertising for next summer yet. I want to do an internship in Chicago, so I can just take the train every day and not have to worry about a place to live. But it seems like most of these internships are unpaid.
Yes, I need work experience. I need an internship to graduate. But I need to make money so that I don't have to continue to take loans out, so I'd really prefer a paid internship. And I'm not really having much luck with bigger names either; a lot of them are unpaid as well. And the big-name magazines are based in New York City, so I most definitely need some sort of income since I wouldn't be living at home.
It seems like I'm just looking to the summers, because I've also been thinking about the summer after I graduate. I'm thinking of going to graduate school right after, and I'm hoping to go to one in Chicago. I want to live in an apartment in downtown Chicago. I want to live in the city. I really wouldn't mind living in New York either. The only thing that stinks is that most of my college friends will be staying in Indiana.
But before I relocate to wherever grad school will be, I want to go to Europe. At the very least, I want to spend at least a week in England. I didn't get the chance to go this summer like I thought I would, because of complications, but I do have my passport for the first time. I think that I'll plan my own trip out, and see if I can't find at least one friend to accompany me. And if I have the money and time, then I'd also like to visit Spain, France, and Italy.
I haven't done a lot of research yet, but I do know that at the very least being in England and getting to go to London will be satisfying enough. I'd want to see everything and do everything, and if I could go then all the money I had saved would probably end up going to the trip, except for what was necessary for the apartment I'd be returning to.
And this future, while sparse, is one that I'm honestly excited about. It may not have concrete plans, it may just be vague ideas, and it may not include anyone other than my closest friends. For me, that's something that usually doesn't happen. I'm usually not comfortable if I don't have more than the bare minimum of information. But today, and lately, I've been embracing it.
Maybe it means I've finally reached a point in my life where I'm comfortable with seeing what the universe has in store for me.
Friday, June 25, 2010
When I Dream at Night (55/90)
Had a picnic and got my dad today.
I'm tired and it's before midnight. Granted, it could be because I was in a car for about two hours just now, and I worked out earlier today. But I kind of just want to go to sleep right now. Thing is, my parents are still awake and there's still things I want to do before I sleep. But sleep sounds really good right now.
I've never been a big sleeper. For the longest time, when it was the weekend I could only sleep until about nine in the morning, no matter when I went to bed. And I really can't sleep for longer than eight hours at a time. I've tried, and most times I've failed. I wake up and get restless. Yes, I can lay there and be sleepy still, but falling back asleep is a lost cause.
I'm also quite a light sleeper. I used to wake up when my parents did in high school, and would wake up at any sound. Probably a part of not being able to sleep late is because I couldn't sleep through the sunlight that streamed into my window past that time. And once I was awake, I couldn't fall back asleep.
Things changed in college, I guess. I mean, I'm still a light sleeper. I still wake up at the first noise from either alarm clock. I still can't sleep for much longer than eight hours. But now I can go to sleep if Tif's still studying and has the light on, or is staying awake on her computer. And I can (and do) sleep until noon or later. Now I can fall back asleep if I've woken up, but only for about an hour extra. And I sleep through everyone moving around at home when I come back and my brother still has a month of school left.
Lately I've been waking up and then laying in bed for a good chunk of time. Sometimes it's because of the dreams I have. I remember a lot of my dreams; I have deja vu a lot as well. And usually I try and write down my dreams. I've read that writing down your dreams will make it easier for you to remember future dreams, and I have some pretty strange dream. I think the strangest was when we were living at our old house, and my brother started to vomit lava. I had to get him to the hospital but couldn't touch him (or drive at that time).
The past few dreams that I've had are fairly plausible, but dream logic is usually utilized to get from place to place, and there's no real logical pace of time. They've been featuring two people, one being Dave. They are really quite weird, involving what was downtown Chicago, Lady Gaga, malls, and possible revisiting of relationships. Or his head on another's body. And then they jump to a completely different scene that has me going on some sort of adventure to help my brother.
And they've been more sexual. I never see the act, usually there's just kissing, if that. Sometimes there's a hint that something just happened, or that something will eventually happen, but I only see the kissing and then I just know what's next, and the dream fast-forwards to after. But with these dreams, they usually take place in the basement of my old house. We moved about six years ago, and the furniture in my dreams is nothing like the furniture we had there. And I didn't get my first boyfriend until after we moved here.
So I'm intrigued by the fact that all of the dreams having to do with Dave or this other person take place in the old house, where the worst that took place was me writing in my diary that I wanted to be someone's girlfriend. I'm not sure why it all takes place there. I mean, I could probably look it up, but I do like my own theory better. I think it's because nothing happened there, my subconscious is trying to tell me either that I want to get back to where (or who) I was then, or that I want something to happen that makes me as happy as I was when I was living there.
I mean, those were probably the happiest times of my life to date, so it makes sense that I want to be that happy again. Or maybe the dream's telling me that I should find someone that I want to take home and proudly show to my parents, someone who can fit in seamlessly to my family, and someone who could make me happy for a number of years, as happy as I was back then.
Or maybe I should research what it means and get back to you.
I'm tired and it's before midnight. Granted, it could be because I was in a car for about two hours just now, and I worked out earlier today. But I kind of just want to go to sleep right now. Thing is, my parents are still awake and there's still things I want to do before I sleep. But sleep sounds really good right now.
I've never been a big sleeper. For the longest time, when it was the weekend I could only sleep until about nine in the morning, no matter when I went to bed. And I really can't sleep for longer than eight hours at a time. I've tried, and most times I've failed. I wake up and get restless. Yes, I can lay there and be sleepy still, but falling back asleep is a lost cause.
I'm also quite a light sleeper. I used to wake up when my parents did in high school, and would wake up at any sound. Probably a part of not being able to sleep late is because I couldn't sleep through the sunlight that streamed into my window past that time. And once I was awake, I couldn't fall back asleep.
Things changed in college, I guess. I mean, I'm still a light sleeper. I still wake up at the first noise from either alarm clock. I still can't sleep for much longer than eight hours. But now I can go to sleep if Tif's still studying and has the light on, or is staying awake on her computer. And I can (and do) sleep until noon or later. Now I can fall back asleep if I've woken up, but only for about an hour extra. And I sleep through everyone moving around at home when I come back and my brother still has a month of school left.
Lately I've been waking up and then laying in bed for a good chunk of time. Sometimes it's because of the dreams I have. I remember a lot of my dreams; I have deja vu a lot as well. And usually I try and write down my dreams. I've read that writing down your dreams will make it easier for you to remember future dreams, and I have some pretty strange dream. I think the strangest was when we were living at our old house, and my brother started to vomit lava. I had to get him to the hospital but couldn't touch him (or drive at that time).
The past few dreams that I've had are fairly plausible, but dream logic is usually utilized to get from place to place, and there's no real logical pace of time. They've been featuring two people, one being Dave. They are really quite weird, involving what was downtown Chicago, Lady Gaga, malls, and possible revisiting of relationships. Or his head on another's body. And then they jump to a completely different scene that has me going on some sort of adventure to help my brother.
And they've been more sexual. I never see the act, usually there's just kissing, if that. Sometimes there's a hint that something just happened, or that something will eventually happen, but I only see the kissing and then I just know what's next, and the dream fast-forwards to after. But with these dreams, they usually take place in the basement of my old house. We moved about six years ago, and the furniture in my dreams is nothing like the furniture we had there. And I didn't get my first boyfriend until after we moved here.
So I'm intrigued by the fact that all of the dreams having to do with Dave or this other person take place in the old house, where the worst that took place was me writing in my diary that I wanted to be someone's girlfriend. I'm not sure why it all takes place there. I mean, I could probably look it up, but I do like my own theory better. I think it's because nothing happened there, my subconscious is trying to tell me either that I want to get back to where (or who) I was then, or that I want something to happen that makes me as happy as I was when I was living there.
I mean, those were probably the happiest times of my life to date, so it makes sense that I want to be that happy again. Or maybe the dream's telling me that I should find someone that I want to take home and proudly show to my parents, someone who can fit in seamlessly to my family, and someone who could make me happy for a number of years, as happy as I was back then.
Or maybe I should research what it means and get back to you.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)