My Happy Ending (4/90)

Pretty sure I'm brain dead to writing. And I don't really have a topic for tonight. We'll see how this goes.

It's the end of the semester. Time to move on, leave all the shit at the door, enjoy your summer, and after a well-deserved three month break, come back and do it all over again. I welcome the summer. I love my friends, and even some of my classes, but I need a break from them. I haven't been home since January, and I miss my high school friends. I miss my family. I miss my dog. I miss my bed. I miss being able to cry if I want to, when I want to.

But before I can go home, I have to take these things called finals. Time to dump all the shit you've learned onto a piece of paper, or spend hours working on a project that won't be remembered in two weeks. Most of my week is spent trying to write, getting going for about a half an hour, and getting distracted by doing something else (usually involving Sex and the City). Then I realize what's happened, and decide to be productive by filling out job applications. Eventually I make my way back to writing. At night, I remember that I have a final the next morning, so I cram.

Most of it's pointless. I finished my history final in about 7 minutes. 70 questions. It was memorization. My economics of media final was the review sheet, with a few extra questions added. Tomorrow will be my last test, my lecture portion of fitness final. I've hardly reviewed. I'll forget the history by next week (if not already), the econ's already gone, and what I didn't already know from health, I'll forget eventually. So the writing's where it's at this week of finals.

And I don't want to write. Because it's mostly editing now, and I can't for the life of me figure out what works and what doesn't after spending so much time on them. But at least my other assignment, the one that's due at 5PM and I haven't started yet, should be an easy assignment. Write a fiction story about how the U.S. royally screwed Latin America. It's my own choosing. Eliminates the research aspect, and will easily carry me past the 4 page minimum.

So that's the first thing on my agenda tomorrow, after my fitness final. Then back to editing. And then, I'm done. The school part is over. All that's left is to resolve things with people. Finish Sex and the City with Tif. Eat Chinese food for the last time in this room. Wear a dress/skirt, just because we can. Go to the last fencing practice. Hand over the food I'm collecting for people since my appetite's grown considerably smaller. Stay up late. Stay out late. Watch one more childhood memory come to life on the screen, Pokemon or otherwise.

And then finish things with boys. Leave the one who would never have worked out behind. I don't have any more classes with him. Today was the last day to talk to him, or even see him. And I got nothing: no head nod, no smile, no acknowledgment. Cements in my mind what I had a feeling about, and I'm glad I didn't go down that path. But he's somehow stuck with me. Maybe it's just because he was more upfront about what he wanted than what I'm used to. Maybe it's because I want to do something completely different. Maybe it's because I'm still reeling.

But I don't think I'm still reeling because I miss Dave. I think I've gotten to the point where I miss what we had more than I miss him. I miss the feeling. I don't think about him and cry anymore, I think about certain instances when I was truly happy and tear up. That's not to say that I'm completely over him, or over it; I know I don't move on that fast. But I think I'm in a place that I can initiate a re-building of a friendship before I leave.

I think it's something I need to do. My close friends say they admire me for how strong I am. Now I guess I have to prove it to myself.