Hook Me Up (28/90)

I somehow had a more productive day today than the rest of the summer.

Today, I didn't go anywhere. I didn't spend any money. I didn't get a call from a job, didn't clean, didn't take my dog for a walk. Today, I did a work out and ate well. Today, I read. And today I took time away from everything that could distract me, laid down, and thought about life. Normally I save time to think about life for before I go to bed, or when I'm in the shower and not singing. But I filled out a survey on Facebook today that made me think.

One of the questions was, if your recent ex said they wanted you back, how would you respond? And I honestly don't know. I'm sure I'd just stare at him incredulously if that happened. I mean, I was really bad after he dumped me (as I'm sure you have some idea). And now that I'm finally in a place where we can almost have a normal conversation, it's not something I think about very often. I still don't know how I'd react. But I'm fairly sure that it's not going to happen. I'm still wondering what I would do.

It's hard to tell. I think he'd have to kiss me to see if I could actually be with him again, for one thing. There'd be a lot of other factors in there as well, obviously, but that one's an easy way for me to see if I can still be with someone. Not that I'd encourage him to do it if for some reason he did decide he wanted me back, because if I didn't have feelings for him anymore then I'd be rather angry.

Another question was if the person I like, likes me back. And I'm at this weird point in my life right now where I don't know what I want from the opposite sex. I'm single and I like it, but I do miss kissing and cuddling. I may or may not have feelings for two different people right now, one being Dave. But it could, quite honestly, be the break up making me think this way. That, or hormones. And I'm not sure what to do about it.

This other one, I'm not sure why he's talking to me. I'm very suspicious, because that's the guy I mentioned before when school was still in. I'm about 85% convinced that he's still in it just to get some. But I've got a whole summer ahead of me to see if that number's going to change. I thought Dave was in it just for that. He was saying everything a girl wanted to hear. It seemed too good to be true, like he was a player. Turns out he wasn't, so this other guy has previous experiences for him.

But he's also got previous experiences against him. Some of the other things he says reminds me too much of another ex, who tried to charm me into doing things. And he seems to be more like this guy than Dave, so it sucks for him. Because I don't really want to be a "friend with benefits." But do I want to make out with this guy? Signs are pointing to yes. Do I want a relationship? I'm not sure. Do I just want to forget about this guy? I don't know. I'm in a very confusing place right now.

I think it's much too soon to even be thinking about this stuff, but here I am. It's hard not to think about this when you've talked every day, and there's definitely an attraction there. I know my friends don't like where this seems to be going, and I know they're operating on basically all the information that you are. But the thing is, when someone tells me not to do something, it makes me want to do it. Even if I had no intention of doing it. I'm weird like that. So everyone telling me that it's a bad idea and that I should forget this guy makes me want to flirt with him more. And that's just based on what little information they know.

And all this information has been gathered through IMing on Facebook, or through text messages. And I know it's very easy to lie when you're hiding behind a screen. It's something that I've done, and I know there's a possibility that he's very good at it. It's a useful tool, but doesn't really do much in getting to know someone. You can't see their expressions, hear the tone of voice, and you can stop and think about what you're going to put down. So I'm thinking soon I'll suggest talking on Skype, so I can better gauge where this is going.

But that's not the only thing that's different. This time, mixed in with the flirting, he's going to find out the real me. Those quirks I usually hide until into the relationship. Those quirks that you don't reveal until you've established that he won't leave. Basically, he's going to see that I'm a dork. My love for Harry Potter will come out, my video games skills have already been revealed, my obsession with musicals shall be a talking point. And I'm going to find out more about him. Because if he thinks that I'm just something to play with, I'm going to make him find out what it's like to play me.

I hope that's not the case. But I'm scared that it is.