King of Pain (88/90)

I watched some movies tonight, that's why this is late.

I wish I could put what I'm thinking about down here, but I really can't. Not only are my thoughts moving too fast, but they're too complicated to easily explain. They also involve some people that I don't really feel like writing about. I'm just not sure what I want to write about tonight.

I have really bad joints. My knees crack every time I bend them past a 45 degree angle, and sometimes it's so loud everyone else turns to look. Every time I rotate my wrists, especially my left one, I hear it grinding on the bones. And I seem to quite easily sprain my ankles, even when bouncing around like normal. Right now I've got a sprained right ankle, and I'm not even sure how it happened this time.

I pull muscles a lot, and those hurt worse than all my joints, including the bit of pain I've got in my ankle right now. But then again, I've also pulled something in my shoulder/neck region in the past two hours, so that could explain some of it. I've broken my finger once, too. But none of these have really given me lasting pain. I'm not sure if that means I have a high pain tolerance, or if it means that I haven't been hurt a lot.

At least, hurt physically. It could be that because I've been hurt emotionally so many times that the physical pain seems minimal in comparison. Maybe I'm transferring the toughness and numbness I've learned to embrace from being emotionally hurt into my physical toughness.

Even now, I'm still hurting emotionally. I'm a mess, even if it doesn't really seem like it. I've just gotten much better at hiding it now than I did before. Just by looking at me, or talking to me, or reading my posts here you wouldn't know about it. Unless I decided to talk to you about it. And here's the thing: I don't want to talk to you about it, usually.

I think I'm hurting myself so that in the long run, I won't be able to be hurt again emotionally. No, I'm not doing anything. I'm just not giving in this time, as I have times before. Because I finally see how tough I can be. I finally see how much I can be hurt. I finally see that I don't deserve to be hurt like this anymore.

But it doesn't change the fact that I still want the cause of the pain.