Finally saw Sweeny Todd today.
It seems like ever since I went through my pictures, I've had a thought of Dave at least once a day. Not only that, but since then it also seems like I've gone through intense bouts of anger that seem to come from nowhere. And I've had a character in my head who wants her story told, not just through words, but through dance.
Dancing has become inextricably linked to Dave now. I danced before I met him, as I've written about previously. But improving as a dancer in a public forum, and being surrounded by those who understand what makes up good dancing is something that I found around him.
I used to dance for myself. I used to sit in my room and see all these movements in my mind when certain songs came on. Eventually I got up and danced them out, and slowly but surely built choreography in my head. But, once again, I shared that experience with Dave. We choreographed something for a final project, but it didn't really come together in the end. Even so, that's another dancing memory I used to do alone and shared with him.
The connection we had when dancing is something I know other dances strive to find. That could be why I want to dance again. Not just in my basement. I want to record myself dancing something I've choreographed, even though I know it's not up to par. I want to choreograph a flash mob, and am actually in the process of trying this. I want that flash mob to happen. And I don't want the choreography we did to go to waste.
That's something that I don't think I could dance with anyone else, because it's a part of us. We both worked on and through it, working out the kinks I didn't see and adding bits of our hearts into it. But I'm not sure if I could dance it with Dave, either. There's too much of something that could be one sided, for all I know, that would get in the way.
Whatever it is, it's making me unsure of whether I want to return to Ballroom next year. I do love to dance, and that's the only outlet I have on campus to do so. There are some dances I'm absolutely in love with, like salsa, tango, and foxtrot, but the rest are some I wouldn't mind not exploring further. When I'm home I can get my fill of salsa dancing every Thursday night. And the rest I'm lucky to see on So You Think You Can Dance.
And I want to learn contemporary, and hip-hop, but there's nowhere to learn. There's groups to do; there are classes to take, and an extra curricular club for hip-hop, but that's about it. That's not what I want; I want someone who can look at me and tell me what I'm doing wrong and how to fix it. I want someone to help me fully interpret a piece of music, for myself. I don't want to worry about a grade or being surrounded by people who know much more than I.
I just want to be a better dancer, but I'm lacking the tools.
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