Truly Madly Deeply (63/90)

I had delicious bagels with Margaret this morning.

For the past hour I've been deep in thought. Now that I don't have two people I'm angry at, I can focus on the matter at hand. Something that has to do with "Brian," because he looks like a Brian to some people. And I've come to a few conclusions about that, but that's not what tonight's post is about.

As I was thinking about that whole situation, I started playing with my necklace. I generally play with them when I'm deep in thought or nervous. It's my subconscious thing. And I remembered what I have on this necklace. It's one of those that has the ring and the words inscribed on it. This one says "TRUST" three times on each side. I originally got it because Dave said he was starting to trust me more. I added it to the necklace I already had, so that "LOVE" and "TRUST" were hanging side by side.

And after we broke up, I removed "LOVE," which was the original reason I got the necklace, so only "TRUST" was there. I didn't really think much about it. All I knew was that at that point I didn't want love and I had no other necklaces to wear. In my almost meditative state, I got to thinking about the words I wore closest to my heart.

I've been looking for love ever since I grasped the idea of "romantic love." I've been a hopeless romantic for as long as I can remember, and it's something that I've valued above everything else. I even valued love over the truth at times. It was staring me in the face, and I allowed love to overcome everything and get duped time and time again.

Look where it got me. I've been looking for love, and chosen people that, if love weren't my priority, I probably wouldn't have. I've fallen for people who didn't have enough room in their hearts to let me take up a permanent residence. I was renting their love out until someone better came along.

I'm not going out there looking for love anymore, because when I do I tend to neglect one of the most important aspects of love: Truth/Trust. Yes, I tell the truth when I'm in a relationship. Most of the time, it seems like I'm the only one who does. I think that finding someone I can trust will lead me to a better relationship than finding someone I can love. Because as I've seen, I have the capacity to love a lot of different people.

I don't, however, have the capacity to trust everyone lately. Nor have I ever been able to confide in someone I hardly know. I take two different approaches to love and trust, when they should probably have a similar approach. So now when I put on this necklace, it signals to me that I'm looking for trust now, and shouldn't give in as easily to anyone who seems lovable or trustworthy.

Which makes me wonder, what's going to happen now?