Put Your Arms Around Me (71/90)

Harry Potter marathon again today. No new footage, though. This will probably have no direction, so I apologize.

Earlier this week I was talking to Margaret in the wee hours of the morning about my life: Where it's been and where it's going. And I realized that this is the longest I've gone without any physical contact from anyone that lasts longer than a hug. Well, since my senior year of high school, that is. It's been three months now, and not an end in sight (unless you count salsa dancing, which I'm not). Not that I'm particularly complaining about it, it's just something that I've not had to deal with for a few years.

Well, I am complaining about it a bit. For a long time I got used to having someone next to me every day. To feel their body heat and know that they wanted to be there, with me. It made me feel safe. And that's what I miss. I miss being able to sit with someone, or lay with someone, and just feel their physical presence. I think that's what a lot of people miss when they say they miss being in a relationship.

It got me thinking about the choices that I've made, and the choices I'm thinking of making in a month. There have been times when I gave into that desire to be close to someone, to have someone make me feel safe in their arms, if only for a little while. And even at the time I felt somewhere, maybe in my gut, maybe just instinct, that it wasn't something I wanted in the long run.

I'm someone who thinks things through at certain times, and then goes with her heart on others. It just depends where my heart and head are at the time. For the past few months there have been few times when they've been on the same page, maybe twice a week. The rest of the time it's up to me to choose which path to follow. If I follow my head, then I look at the past and see how I will impact my future. If I follow my heart, then I don't spare a second thought to my actions or desires.

At the end of the day, though, I always end up in the same place. Confused and sleeping alone. Because at this point in time, there is little I can do to act upon what my head or heart have decided. For now, all I can do is dwell, and I know if I dwell then things will never get settled. But I would like for something to be settled in my mind, something that's been there since the end of May. It seems like every day I change my mind. I guess it's because every day I want something different.

But behind every wish, there is always that one that prevails over all others: I want to be safe in someone's arms.