Today was the same as every other Saturday: watched TV with the family all day.
There are some days when your emotions and reactions surprise you. You can be feeling perfectly normal, and then all of a sudden an intense desire or emotion will creep up on you, and you try and ignore it if you can't immediately do what your impulse is wanting. And until you fulfill it, it doesn't completely go away. At least, that's my experience. Maybe not everyone's like that.
Sometimes it's a silly impulse, like going to McDonald's. Sometimes it's a bit more pressing, like wanting to know everything about a person. And sometimes it comes from left field, like trivial desires. For the past few days, my little itch has been to talk to someone outside of my family. To actually have a conversation. But the past few people I've tried to have a conversation with didn't want to talk, so this desire has gone unfulfilled.
I did talk to a few people, but it was either for a few minutes total or about how attractive the soccer players are. That's not what I've been wanting to talk about, I guess. I want to get to know someone more, or at least be able to flirt with him. I want to know about the happenings of someone else who I'm slightly concerned about. And somehow I also want to distance myself from the trivial concerns I have surrounding the male half of the species.
Maybe if I had gotten that, then I wouldn't have gotten another inexplicable urge today. Today, I've wanted to break down and cry. It's come up at odd times: while watching the World Cup, while my dad was talking to one of his other daughters, while I was on Facebook, and while we were talking about a changed vacation plan. I still haven't given in to it yet.
I know that sometimes you just need a good cry. I've experienced it before. But I feel like today there's something else that's going on besides for needing a good cry. Maybe it's the fact that I don't feel important as a person to anyone lately. Sure, I'm useful to make sure my brother gets to where he needs to go, and to make sure the rest of my family stays afloat. I'm useful in giving tips about things I'm more experienced in, and about what I observe from the outside looking in. I'm even a good flirt, I'd hazard a guess, since he kept coming back. But I think I want more.
I think I want someone to talk to me because they want good conversation instead of the above reasons. I'd like to be appreciated by my family, who seems to have all but forgotten about my birthday last weekend. I know that's a trivial, juvenile, and selfish thing to be upset about, but I can't help it. Because recognizing a birthday is saying "I'm glad you were born and are in my life." And it seemed like this year, as was the case last year, that it was something that was a mandatory observance for them.
I think that's the real reason I'm ready for a good cry. The lack of interest that I've been encountering. That, and the fact that I don't really have anyone to turn to when I feel like this. I miss having that: having someone who would try to help me to the fullest extent of his abilities, or be able to change the way I felt with a few words. Just have someone cuddle next to me and tell me it'll be okay in the end.
So I think I'm going to give in to this urge to cry, and see if I feel better after it.
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