My day: I watched things. TV, movies, and my brother test for his brown belt in Hapkido. Buh.
Today I didn't work out. I just didn't want to. I mean, I want to lose weight. Definitely. I'm about 12 pounds shy of my ideal weight. The weight that's been ideal for about three years now. The weight I was at sophomore year of high school. The weight I was at before I had to go to a size 13 in junior's pants. And the weight I was at that was the easiest to find pants.
But this summer is the summer that I actually am actively trying to lose it all, and keep it off. Last summer I kind of tried, but it ended up that I worked out about three times a week, if that. So I kept weight off. And then I went to school again. I taught fencing instead of free fencing with people, so I stood around a lot. I didn't have to walk as far as quickly, unless I had to get to Dave's dorm. And my appetite stayed the same, so I gained another 5 pounds. I was roughly 20 pounds lighter than my mother, who is about 4 inches taller than me.
I didn't like it, but I still didn't do anything about it. I ate salads for lunch, yes, but that was it. And I complained about the weight. But last semester I took my gym core class, and had to intensely work out twice a week. I liked it. I started to eat better. In the end I lost 6 pounds, and an inch off of each my waist and my hips. But it wasn't enough.
I knew I was stronger. I could (and still can) see the muscles I re-developed. And this past month I lost another 4 pounds, mainly because my appetite shrank drastically and I had more free time. So now, as part of becoming the woman I want to be, I'm losing those last 12 pounds. But today I didn't want to.
It's not like I was sore or anything. I didn't work out Wednesday because of that. But I did two work-outs Thursday because of it. Today I just wasn't motivated. I looked at the clock, and it was 1:30. I was still in my pajamas, and had just eaten breakfast about an hour before. 'I should work out,' I thought to myself. And I just continued to stare at the TV. I don't know what it was about today, but I just couldn't motivate myself to get up and work out.
I guess a part of it could be because the scale said I basically got back to the weight I was at when the semester started. I know I didn't gain 9 pounds back in 5 days. But I guess the number played a trick on me. And it all comes down to that number.
The reason I didn't do much first semester is probably because I didn't have a scale. When there was no number, I felt good about myself. I thought I looked good. I could still fit into my clothes, and I still got checked out. Dave told me my body was amazing, and when I started talking about my thighs everyone would stop me. But when I knew I was going to be taking a gym class, I started working out over break so I wouldn't look like a fool. And that's when I saw my number again.
It's funny how much weight (no pun intended) is attached to a silly three digit number. I felt good before I found out; what changed? Nothing about me had changed from before I knew the number to after. I still had the same sized everything. I still didn't work out on my own. I still ate the same. But the knowledge of the number kicked me in the butt to do something about it.
I wonder if I reach the golden number, if I'll be happy with it. I mean, I've seen a lot of things get smaller. Most noticeably was my chest. That was the first thing that tipped me off to the fact that I was losing weight. I don't have to press down on my hip bones to feel them anymore, something I've always been proud of, until fall semester when I couldn't do that. My butt doesn't sag as much. Certain clothes fit better now. So if my thighs don't get smaller when I reach my number, will I be happier?
I hope so. Because I really don't think I'll look better if I go below my number; I think I'll lose my favorite attributes if I do. Really, the only thing I don't like about my body right now is my thighs. And it's not even the whole thigh; it's the inside and back. They just need to be a bit firmer. Not jiggle when I wear shorts. But everything else I'm happier with. I'm just getting sick of tight pants around my thighs.
If I reach my ideal weight, then I guess I'll just deal with my thighs. Even if they do jiggle when I walk.
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