Today we watched TV as a family. Pretty much all day. It's been giving me a headache.
Normally, watching HGTV with my family means I'm constantly trying to do something either online to occupy myself, or I'm never fully interested. When I got back for the summer and my parents were watching HGTV I would think back on Dave, and everything that we had gone through, how he left me, all that jazz. But today there wasn't any of that. And it was weird, once I realized it.
After I admitted that none of my usual techniques were working to get over him faster, he decided to text me. And we had an interesting conversation, mainly about him. A lot was about his character flaws, but some of it was about what we had been. And funnily enough, I was more bothered and intrigued by the latest excuses I was expecting than the overwhelming sadness I had been feeling for the five days prior.
Maybe because I was doing something active with my life on the day we started texting (Wednesday). Maybe because I got the idea to go shopping to make me feel better about myself after he left me, and thinking of everyone's reactions when I emerged with an amazing dress in my hands. Or maybe because after that long a period in my life of having no joy, my mind decided to re-charge itself. It could be all of them. I'm not sure.
I do know that during the conversation I had intense emotions. For example, when he told me he could actually imagine me as a sexy Hooters Girl (which is my last-ditch effort to find a job). That was more annoyance than anything, though. The major thing that set me off was about how we could've lasted as a couple for much longer than we did. It angered me. Here I was, moping over this boy when I knew we could've worked it out, and he had the gall to tell me that yes, I was right, and he was too scared or feeling undeserving of something good to try and work it out.
I think that was part one that sparked this change in me. Part two was shopping with Anna. She has a different take on life than anyone else back home, and from most of my friends in general. I think being able to rant about it in person to her helped immensely. When I talk to my friends online, it's a watered down version of my emotions. I don't get to talk to people in person half as much as I probably need to, and that could be a reason why it helped.
Since then it's been awhile since I cried over him, or thought about him for more than a fleeting moment, unless a song came on that reminded me of him. So I think I'm healing now, finally. Honestly. It took anger to get me past the initial pain and shock. It took me a month and a half to get to this point. Usually it doesn't take me that long. Usually I can snap myself out of it, or my friends can do that for me. But this time it took him telling me, yet again, that I was right, and somehow it helped.
I guess telling someone that you could've seen them as your wife, but not really, can do wonders to snap them out of the ideal version they've been seeing for a few weeks. Or seeing that you really didn't care about what you were losing. Or maybe hearing contradictions between your statements, or hearing excuses to try and save face. I don't know what did it. I'm sure it was a combination of all of that.
But now that I'm actually starting to miss him less and less, I'm seeing how much of my heart did belong to him. And, unfortunately, there will always be a part of my heart that does belong to him, the biggest piece to date. It's constantly shrinking, though. I wonder if he takes a good look into his heart, and gets over the fear he has there, if he'll realize what he's done. I wonder how big that piece of my heart will be if that happens. Because once I completely get over someone, I don't turn back.
But until then, I'll be looking over my shoulder for him.
It's Dave.
ReplyDeleteI am sorry if what I say seems to be contradictory but I do mean what I say. As I've said before, I trust my gut and I've been trying to interpret what I've been feeling to the best of my ability. I know you are familiar with conflicting emotions and how one can be pissed beyond all belief at someone yet still not want to harm a hair on their head. It's similar to that. I have conflicting emotions and even to this very second I realize I don't want to drag you through my personal struggle. I don't want to hurt you more than I already have, therefore we went our separate ways.
This is my first (and hopefully last) post and I've been trying my hardest not to comment on these since they are YOUR thoughts and emotions, but I needed to make something clear. You may think they're excuses, but I think they're defining what I feel. If you do finally get over me, I wish you the best. Please do. I know I'm a heart breaker and I'm not what's best for you, or anyone for that matter.
You said once you want to know my side of the story. I've been toying with the idea of being single for the rest of my life. Never have I thought about this seriously until now. There are certain things I will never share, and I will never be able to give my whole heart to anyone. I never was able to with you, nor anyone else in my past. I have to decide to change that or to accept being alone for the rest of my life. So far I've decided to be alone. Less pain that way. Easier to elude everyone. Easier to slip away from existence if I feel the need. Less pain.
If you want to know more about my side, I'll try to set up a blog that you can read, much like you've done here. I'll email you with the link when it's up.
Feel free to comment on any of the entries. The thoughts don't stop just because they've been published. Conversations from my entries can lead to another post on the topic.
ReplyDeleteAnd I'm not going to address the rest of what you've written on my blog comments. If you wanted to talk about it, then talk to me elsewhere. Because I can see this being a very long conversation (as evidenced by your comment).