Endless Love (14/90)

Laid around again today. And then went to see Date Movie, so I don't know how interesting this post is going to be.

Ally, my friend who I went to see the movie with, and I were talking about marriage again today. She's got a timeline of when she wants to get married and start having kids, and knows when she has to meet her future husband in order to achieve that timeline. And it sounds like a pretty good timeline. I don't want to be single in my 30's, especially if I decide I want to have kids instead of adopt. My mom started having kids in her late 30's, so becoming an adult with an older mom was something most of my friends haven't experienced.

She had already established a career when she had kids, and stuck to it. I don't fault her for being good at what she does, it just affected how my brother and I were raised. And she didn't marry my dad until in her 40's, so they're coming up on their 18th anniversary in a few days. And they definitely didn't have time to appreciate being married for a few years before having kids, since I was already in the picture when they got married.

I think I want to be able to just come home to a husband for a few years, and maybe a pet. I definitely want to be married by the time I'm 30. Which means that in nine years or less I want to be married. And I want to date this person for at minimum two years, and be engaged for at least a year. So that pushes back the latest time I can meet this person is when I'm 27. In six years or less I'll hopefully find the man I want to marry. I'd prefer it to be earlier than that though.

If I'm going to give birth to kids, I'd like to have them by 40 at the very latest. I'd much rather adopt, but still adopt my first by age 40. But here's the thing: I'm not sure if I want kids. I'm really bad with kids. I babysat last summer, and did a horrible job with those kids. They didn't really like me, and to be honest, I didn't really like them. But those were boys. When I met Dave's nieces this semester, I got along fine with them. One of them got really attached to me even, for the two or so hours we knew each other. So maybe I'm just better with girls.

But I don't want to fail at being a mother. I hate failing. Which is why I'm thinking I don't really want kids. They still annoy me when I go into restaurants. I don't want to pretend to be interested in the fact that recess was cancelled because of the rain. Maybe when I get older I'll care. People say when you have your own kids it changes everything. But if I'm going to have kids, then I want to be married, and I'm not even sure if I want to get married.

I don't want to end up in divorce. I hate being a statistic. And divorce, to me, is failure. You failed to make your relationship work, you failed at working on your relationship, or you failed at choosing the "right" person for you. Not to say that everyone who's divorced is a failure. Just if I get divorced, that's what'll be going through my mind. I don't have the best judgment with the opposite sex. Ask any of my close friends. So I really don't want to fail.

Or fall into the rut that the couple in Date Movie fell into. I hate routines with the people I love. Don't get me wrong, with school routines are fine. But doing the same thing every day bores me. I dont' want to end up in a boring relationship for the rest of my life either. And I'm not really the spontaneous type, so I'm scared.

I guess that's just it. I'm scared to fail. I'm scared to decide to commit to one person for the rest of my life, and fail at it. I'm scared of raising horrible children. I'm scared of being a horrible parent and wife. Hell, I'm scared of being a horrible bride. I can see my wedding being like my graduation party: a flop. I can see no one having fun, not many people RSVPing, and not having entertaining music for my guests. I can see myself falling while walking down the aisle. And I'm scared of getting hurt by the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. But I have to get over that fear.

Otherwise I'll end up where I am right now: alone.