Role Model (11/90)

I've unpacked and watched a lot of concerts today. And a few more episodes of Tough Love Couples. I'm almost caught up.

But while I was watching the concerts, I got to looking. I watched Black Eyed Peas, Lady Gaga, and Pink. What I was looking for was how in shape they are. I'm trying to lose about 12 pounds and keep it off, so I'm on this whole health kick and trying to look skinnier. And Fergie-let's face it. She's hot. I don't think she could ever not be in shape. The Lady Gaga concert I was watching was right after her first album, The Fame, came out. And I'll have to admit, I saw a bit of a pooch on her. But she had beastly obliques, so it balanced. And I just watched the Pink concert. That girl is ripped. I would be scared to piss her off.

And Lady Gaga made me feel better about the pooch I'm sporting myself. While mine is a bit bigger than hers and not framed by obliques, it still made me feel better to see someone who was constantly in the spotlight not be perfect and airbrushed. Then I heard that she's super skinny in her new video, "Telephone." And guess what? She is. So that doesn't really do much for me and my self-confidence, does it? But that's alright, because there was a point in time when she wasn't perfect.

And neither was Pink. She has so many songs about being different than what was expected, like "Don't Let Me Get Me" and "Stupid Girls." While I was watching the concert, I saw how much thought was put into it. The concert was for the release of "Funhouse," and the concert was like you were at a circus. I heard songs I've never heard from her before, and heard her sing. Guess what? That's her singing on the radio. There's no autotuning for her. She's one of the few who actually sing on their albums.

She's genuine, and she thinks about her concerts, her videos, her lyrics, and her message. And I don't know why I never took notice before now. Because I've been about the music videos and the lyrics for as long as I can remember. I've listened to all her radio hits, and own them all. I own Missundaztood. I have the Cosmopolitan that has her on the cover (yet to read it). And I've never actually given her my attention. As I was amazed by this concert, her lyrics, and my lack of care for her, I thought that maybe she could become one of my role models.

And then it hit me: I have no role models.

I've never had any role models. My mom's never been a role model to me. Sure, I appreciate her, and respect her. But I've never looked up to her as someone I aspire to be. The only thing I've wanted that she's attained is to model. I've seen how our family has struggled. I've seen her go through things that I've promised myself I won't. Maybe I just never got to know her.

I've had a few people I aspired to be, though. I don't consider those to be role models, mainly because there was only one aspect of the person I wanted. In elementary school, it was Samantha Pielet. She was pretty and popular, and in band. I wanted that. I wanted lots of friends, and a nice house, and cool parents. In middle school, it was Elif Karatas. All the boys that I liked ended up having a crush on her. I wanted the boys. And in high school, it was J.K. Rowling. I wanted the Potterverse. I wanted the gift. Basically, I wanted to be her because of her writing.

And guess what? I didn't get the popularity. I didn't get the boys. I haven't been blessed with this amazing writing idea that could be the next Harry Potter. But right now I'm glad I never achieved any of that. If I had the writing idea, then I probably wouldn't have the friends I do today. If I had been popular, I probably would've been one of the people at my high school I avoided. If I got the boys, I'd be the same, or a slut.

And if I had gotten any of it, I probably wouldn't be here right now, thinking of for once having a role model. I need someone who I can aspire to be for more than one reason. She got it right. She didn't compromise when the record labels wanted her to be a pop princess, and she's still going strong. She stayed true to herself. She sees how stupid the dating game has become, and how shallow we all truly are, and calls society out on it. She sings about real issues, and makes you think. She designs amazing shows, and truly enjoys what she does.

I want that. I want to be able to love what I do, and rise to and above the challenge. She's not afraid to say what she thinks, even if it'll piss someone off. I want to be able to let loose and tell it like it is. And I'm starting to, a month away from 21. I think she's a good choice for someone to look up to.

Maybe I should find someone who's not as ripped. But I think I'll stick with her for now.