This Sex and the City marathon is loooong. Time to blog and avoid more packing. Also: Dave's mom was tired.
Today I decided to get some closure. Actually, I decided it about a week ago. But I wanted to see how my feelings would hold up when it got closer to the meeting before mentioning anything. You know, since it's hardly been a month since we broke up. Not only that, but it was the most invested I've been in a relationship in a long time, if not ever. So it was mainly dependent on how I was going to feel today to see how long I was going to stay.
And I stayed for two hours. It was awkward. The long walk over had me thinking about what to say, what to do, what to order at Starbucks. And what I would do if I needed to bail. I got there early so we wouldn't have to do the whole awkwardly standing in line deal, and form a back up plan to escape. And to prep. Since he creeped up behind me from a different way than expected.
And I sat and thought for a bit, before his drink was ready. To think about that initial rush of emotions when I first saw him. And it wasn't nearly as strong as I expected. It was...lacking. I mean, I still felt sad, of course, but it wasn't anything like what I prepared myself for. Maybe because I had prepared myself so much already?
So we sat for two hours, with a lot of pauses in between. My pauses were to refrain from all the sarcastic, bitter comments I wanted to mutter to him. His pauses were because he was stuck in his own mind. And there was so much I wanted to tell him. So much I had in my mind that I just wanted to let out. But I'm a civil person, and he wanted to still be friends. So I held my tongue. But not now.
You, my "friend," will probably always have a place in my heart. I don't know if we'll get back to being friends. I think we could've worked, if you wanted to work through things. And today. Today was probably one of the hardest things I've had to do, and I made it out alive. I had to look at you and pretend that I didn't want to break down or snuggle up next to you.
Yes, I'm bitter. I don't want to be bitter. But you hurt me, and this is how I deal, unfortunately. I don't want to see you anymore. I got through today just because it was the first time in a month that I saw you. Your hair doesn't work anymore, you chose a Hawaiian shirt to wear, and you wore flip-flops. I noticed things about you today that I hadn't in a long time, maybe before.
All I wanted was some closure. Maybe to see that you had moved on already, to make it a clean break. Maybe to demonize you some more. And I got the closure part, but I'm not sure if I saw that you moved on. It is interesting, however, that you're the one who broke my heart and went after your rebound. And I was sitting here crying over you.
But I did hear that I did not depress you. That's what I really wanted. I know that I didn't depress you. The fact that you realized that it wasn't me, and that most of the problems with our relationship stemmed from that and you're unexplicable belief that you could secure your high school relationship again when you were different. You're not a child anymore, so stop believing that you can go back and get that feeling again. There's a reason why you never forget your first love.
But you can't dwell on it. Because then you'll end up where you are right now, and miss out on a new love. You'll overlook a true love because you're searching so desperately for something completely unattainable. You had something good, your own friends don't even know why you threw this away. I do know that you needed to work on yourself, and I'm glad you are. I just wish I didn't get caught in the crossfire. I was the poor unfortunate soul that got hurt.
There was more, but I've been distracted. More may come tomorrow, if I can't find anything.
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