This Is How It Feels (61/90)

Hi guys. Tonight's post is early because I'm going to the midnight airing of The Last Airbender (aka the true Avatar).

And tonight's post is going to be another rant. I ordered a swimsuit online a few days ago. From Victoria's Secret, who you would think would be willing to cater to busty women. I mean, their ad campaigns feature busty women who are thinner. I ordered a large, the biggest size in one of the few suits that I A) liked and B) might look good in. It came today, and I tried only the top on.

The top didn't fit. Even after I took out the padding. It didn't fit on the sides and it didn't lay flat against my ribs. It was gaping instead of sitting there, and there wasn't any support at all. And it defeated me today. I was actually feeling optimistic about this.

I've tried Victoria's Secret before, and occasionally do find things in the store. But it's a rare occasion. Which is why I'm not sure why I actually thought something might fit me. Maybe it's because I've lost some weight and thought that I might be able to fit something in their line.

But I couldn't. For anyone who may stumble across this who doesn't know me, I'm a girl with an hourglass figure. Quite curvy on top and on bottom, not much in the middle. What people say is the "ideal," and that people would kill for. And yet, it's becoming more of a struggle to find something that fits it.

There are days when I absolutely adore my body, and some days when I wish I didn't have it. Earlier today I actually quite liked it. After I tried on the swimsuit, however, my mood changed instantly. And I'm still looking at the swimsuit I have yet to repackage, and every time I look up I just get another sinking feeling in my stomach.

It's frustrating. It seems like every time I need to find something fitting, no one carries it for me. Obviously I have issues finding bras, if I have issues finding a swimsuit top that fits me. I can't find a pair of jeans that fits me correctly. I always have to wear a belt, and there is a good two inches of fabric at the front of my jeans that bunches because there's nothing in front to fill it with.

I would just like to find something that fits me correctly on the first try, not on try ten.

What a Wonderful World (60/90)

I walked around today. It was rather nice outside.

I've had a request to write about where I want to travel and why, so I'll go on and ramble about that for a bit. I've always wanted to travel to a lot of different places. I've never been west of the Mississippi River, or out of the country. I got a passport over winter break because I was going to England, but that plan got spoiled.

I want to go to England, but you know that if you've read my bucket list post. I've always wanted to go: Everything about it fascinates me and has since first grade. And Great Britain in general; I'd love to explore everything. I'd go and see all the famous landmarks, of course. I haven't gotten around to planning out every detail of where I'd like to go yet, but I think it may become a summer project.

If I'm going to travel to a Spanish-speaking country, I'd love for it to be Spain. I like Castillian Spanish better than regular Spanish for some reason. I know a lot of people would prefer to speak straight Spanish, the kind that's primarily taught in schools. But Castillian has a certain beauty to it that I like. And I would like to travel to a Spanish-speaking country to try out my Spanish, and to learn more. Oh, and paella is delicious. I had it at an authentic Spanish restaurant in Naperville.

Another place on the mainland of Europe I'd like to go is Italy. It's close to Spanish, which is cool, and I hear that Italians are quite attractive. And, of course, all the art would be amazing to look at. I just really like learning about different cultures and trying new things. It'd be fun.

France could be fun too. I mean, that's somewhere that I'd like to go just because it's on everyone's list of places to visit. It's supposedly the city of love. I love baguettes. They are supposed to have amazing chefs. I like food a lot, can't you tell?

Wow, that didnt' take up nearly as much space or time as I thought it would. Those are the places I'd like to stop if I ever toured Europe. I'd start and end in Great Britain, and spend the most time there. Then I think I'd go to Paris, stay there for a week or two, then move on to Italy, stay there for about a week, then go on to Spain for a few weeks. I think I'd have to have a suitcase or two devoted entirely to souvenirs. And I'd have a lot of pictures.

I'd really like to tour Europe. That's first on my list of places to travel once I get the money.

And I apologize if this is rather disjointed and incoherent, I was distracted the whole time.

Perfect World (59/90)

I did nothing besides for wait for the new Harry Potter trailer to be released.

I seem to keep running into not having much to blog about. And honestly, it's about two months into this challenge, and I guess it makes sense. Maybe I'll start asking around to see if there's anything people have been wondering about that I could have thoughts on. I want to have a lot of different topics on here, because I have a lot of interests. But my default is Harry Potter, and I think I need to rein my obsession a bit.

We're supposed to be going to the beach in a few weeks, so you know what that means: I need to start getting in shape again. I admit, I had a week-long stint where I really didn't do too much, and I really didn't care about it. I guess it was because at that point I didn't really have an outside factor to motivate me. I mean, yes, I always want to be thinner. But I've come to find out that in this area, me wanting to change just so that I can be at my ideal weight doesn't really help me keep to working out and eating well.

I admit, I didn't think we'd be going to Maryland this summer. I mean, plans already fell through twice for trips this summer, so why would this be any different? But I hear we've booked our flight, and we're looking at a hotel seriously now. And these past few weeks I wasn't sure if I had someone to impress come August. Quite honestly, I thought that there was very little chance that I would. But I got a surprise last night, and turns out I still do.

While I may not feel as good about myself as I know I could and should, it seems like I'm not alone with trying to obtain the "summer beach bod." I keep seeing work out articles in the "Today" of my MSN highlights. And if there isn't a work out, then a new diet plan, or things you shouldn't eat, or ways to mask your imperfections are featured. That's because everyone views you negatively if you don't look a certain way or are seen as overweight, or are completely lazy.

I will admit, there are a few people who I really wouldn't like to see in a swimsuit, but on the whole these articles are targeted at people like myself. People tell me I don't need to lose any weight, I'm good the way I am, etc. I even know that I'm healthy at this weight. But, as I'm sure I've written about a few times already, we need to go that extra mile to feel good about ourselves.

It's because we're constantly bombarded with (retouched) pictures that tell us what the ideal woman looks like. We've all seen them before, and since they are so prevalent, it sends the message that we need to look like that. The pictures and the articles are marketed toward those of us who have low self-esteem and feel like we need to fit into the mold to be seen as beautiful. And so we devour the articles and fatigue ourselves, trying desperately to lose those last ten pounds.

We don't do it because of our health. We do it because we've been told we need to look like this, even if we look around and see more women looking like us. Or we are never looked at because our friends are thinner than us and no one notices us. And then that number gets stuck in our heads, because we believe that everything will fall into place once we lose the weight.

We feel the need to impress everyone around us with our bodies, and feel like we can't if it's not perfect. Even though there are many more imperfect bodies out there, we work towards what we think is the ideal. And even though I know this, I'm still doing it. It's frustrating, but I won't stop working toward the ideal.

This is something I'm passionate about, so if this seems oddly familiar, I apologize.

Give it Up (58/90)

Went to a friend's and watched a movie. Slow movie, good story.

The movie was about one woman's journey to get her life back together for her son. It's called Clean. It didn't really make me think. I mean, it was good, but since I've no intentions of doing drugs, I didn't really have anything big come over me. And I'm not a musician, and I don't have a kid I'm trying to be able to be with again.

As I was thinking about something to write about, something did come to me. Is there or has there ever been someone that I would give up something that is such a big part of my life for? I mean, I'm not addicted to anything really, so I don't have anything I rely on to get me through the day.

I guess what I'd have to give up would be writing or reading, especially Harry Potter. Writing actually did get me through some of the toughest times I've had to face. It still does, as I'm sure you've noticed. And it's what I want to do with my life. It's what I'm best at, and I still enjoy doing it. You could say that I'm addicted to writing. There are some days when I just feel like writing, even if I've got nothing in my head.

And I'm sure you've gotten a bit of my obsession with Harry Potter. The series is still my favorite, I still find new things in each reading, and they will probably always be on my bookshelf. So I'm not sure if I could give up Harry or writing for someone I love.

I guess it depends on who it would be. I'm not sure if there's anyone I can depend on to get me through everything as much as I can depend on writing. Harry Potter, yes. I could give up Harry for quite a few of my friends: Margaret, Anna, Tif, Tori, Lauren. It's slightly disconcerting though, to figure out that you'd rather keep Harry Potter in your life then some of the people you used to be really close to.

I wonder if I would've given Harry Potter up for anyone that I was dating. At this point in time I'm not sure if my love for them would surpass my love for Harry Potter, if only because everything has changed between us. There are some that I may not even love anymore, so why give up something I love in order to continue to talk to them? Especially when I would be perfectly fine not to talk to them again.

Honestly, if it were a matter of life or death, I'd put Harry aside. I couldn't be that selfish. I'd just have someone read the books to me or something to that effect. So yes, I could give up Harry Potter for someone. For a few someones. But I'm not sure about writing. Once again, to save a life, yes I would.

But to continue to talk to someone? I'm not sure if I'd have it in me. I think I might be selfish there and keep my writing, lose a friend. Writing has been the only constant in my life; it's been with me since elementary school. I once won a writing contest for a short story that was later performed to the amusement of the school (I was in it, since I wrote it). The only people in my life who have been around for that long is my mother, father, and brother.

And anyway, I figure that I could always write to them and explain everything. I'm sure they'd understand. Imagine giving up your passion and knowing that the thing that gave you the greatest joy would never be available to you again. And you know not what lies ahead. Your passion may have been what helped you through life. I'm not even sure if I could give it up for the love of my life and be at ease with my decision.

Could you give up your passion to be with someone?

Only Hope (57/90)

I did nothing today. My dad was home this weekend so I made no plans, and apparently neither did my parents.

I think all I did today was hope. I hoped that maybe we'd do something as a family. I hoped we would actually eat a meal together, or watch a movie together, or go to the mall. Just do something as a family, because I made sure that I could be with my family. But we just sat around, everyone in a different room, everyone doing their own thing.

I hope a lot. I hope for a lot of things, many of which I know have very little chance of ever happening. In the past I've hoped that people would have seen that I wasn't as okay as I pretended, and ask about it. I've hoped that maybe things could improve instead of getting worse for my family. And I know that just hoping isn't enough to exact change.

But it's all I can do. If I admit it to myself, I hope for a lot of things late at night. My thoughts, daydreams, whatever you'd like to call them, the ones before bed, are just hopes. And these hopes are as implausible as the others. These hopes have to do with a boy. Granted, they are based on what he's said to me.

My hopes are just that he follows through with what he says. That was the hope for tonight, and right now I've given up hope that he will. And still somehow on his end he hopes to get what he wants in the end, without giving anything. Tonight is the last night I'm going to hope that something could come of this, because right now it seems like my hopes are futile.

Usually when my hopes are shattered, I just lower my expectations. But if you keep lowering your expectations once your hope is gone just so you can hold out for more hope, then eventually you really have nothing to hope for. You can get all the way to hoping that they'll be a decent human being, and if you have to hope for that, then you should've been done with that hope a long time ago.

Lowering expectations in order to have hope isn't the way that hope works. You should be able to hope in whatever situation you are in, no matter the circumstances. If you have to lower your expectations, then you're hoping for the wrong thing. And I know hope is a funny thing, but if hoping is taking too much stress on you, then you need to find something, or someone, else to hope for, I think.

I just hope I'm right in this. Because I'm sick of hoping for the wrong ones.

One of These Days (56/90)

I haven't done anything today really.

Last night my internet went out, so instead of doing something somewhat productive like working on my story, or reading Harry Potter, I played solitaire and listened to an album for an hour and a half. And today I didn't do anything productive at all. I didn't work out, didn't work on my story, and didn't clean up. I ate fast food twice today and sat in front of my TV or laptop. And I really didn't mind too much.

I've been thinking about the future a lot lately. It's understandable, because all that my summer's amounting to is me driving my brother around, eating with my friends, working out, and being on the computer. I do spare a few thoughts for August and the upcoming school year, but my future planning has been going a bit further than that.

Looking for potential future internships is incredibly difficult, I've come to find. Since I'm planning on doing mine next summer, the ones I want to look for have been filled, and the Web sites aren't advertising for next summer yet. I want to do an internship in Chicago, so I can just take the train every day and not have to worry about a place to live. But it seems like most of these internships are unpaid.

Yes, I need work experience. I need an internship to graduate. But I need to make money so that I don't have to continue to take loans out, so I'd really prefer a paid internship. And I'm not really having much luck with bigger names either; a lot of them are unpaid as well. And the big-name magazines are based in New York City, so I most definitely need some sort of income since I wouldn't be living at home.

It seems like I'm just looking to the summers, because I've also been thinking about the summer after I graduate. I'm thinking of going to graduate school right after, and I'm hoping to go to one in Chicago. I want to live in an apartment in downtown Chicago. I want to live in the city. I really wouldn't mind living in New York either. The only thing that stinks is that most of my college friends will be staying in Indiana.

But before I relocate to wherever grad school will be, I want to go to Europe. At the very least, I want to spend at least a week in England. I didn't get the chance to go this summer like I thought I would, because of complications, but I do have my passport for the first time. I think that I'll plan my own trip out, and see if I can't find at least one friend to accompany me. And if I have the money and time, then I'd also like to visit Spain, France, and Italy.

I haven't done a lot of research yet, but I do know that at the very least being in England and getting to go to London will be satisfying enough. I'd want to see everything and do everything, and if I could go then all the money I had saved would probably end up going to the trip, except for what was necessary for the apartment I'd be returning to.

And this future, while sparse, is one that I'm honestly excited about. It may not have concrete plans, it may just be vague ideas, and it may not include anyone other than my closest friends. For me, that's something that usually doesn't happen. I'm usually not comfortable if I don't have more than the bare minimum of information. But today, and lately, I've been embracing it.

Maybe it means I've finally reached a point in my life where I'm comfortable with seeing what the universe has in store for me.

When I Dream at Night (55/90)

Had a picnic and got my dad today.

I'm tired and it's before midnight. Granted, it could be because I was in a car for about two hours just now, and I worked out earlier today. But I kind of just want to go to sleep right now. Thing is, my parents are still awake and there's still things I want to do before I sleep. But sleep sounds really good right now.

I've never been a big sleeper. For the longest time, when it was the weekend I could only sleep until about nine in the morning, no matter when I went to bed. And I really can't sleep for longer than eight hours at a time. I've tried, and most times I've failed. I wake up and get restless. Yes, I can lay there and be sleepy still, but falling back asleep is a lost cause.

I'm also quite a light sleeper. I used to wake up when my parents did in high school, and would wake up at any sound. Probably a part of not being able to sleep late is because I couldn't sleep through the sunlight that streamed into my window past that time. And once I was awake, I couldn't fall back asleep.

Things changed in college, I guess. I mean, I'm still a light sleeper. I still wake up at the first noise from either alarm clock. I still can't sleep for much longer than eight hours. But now I can go to sleep if Tif's still studying and has the light on, or is staying awake on her computer. And I can (and do) sleep until noon or later. Now I can fall back asleep if I've woken up, but only for about an hour extra. And I sleep through everyone moving around at home when I come back and my brother still has a month of school left.

Lately I've been waking up and then laying in bed for a good chunk of time. Sometimes it's because of the dreams I have. I remember a lot of my dreams; I have deja vu a lot as well. And usually I try and write down my dreams. I've read that writing down your dreams will make it easier for you to remember future dreams, and I have some pretty strange dream. I think the strangest was when we were living at our old house, and my brother started to vomit lava. I had to get him to the hospital but couldn't touch him (or drive at that time).

The past few dreams that I've had are fairly plausible, but dream logic is usually utilized to get from place to place, and there's no real logical pace of time. They've been featuring two people, one being Dave. They are really quite weird, involving what was downtown Chicago, Lady Gaga, malls, and possible revisiting of relationships. Or his head on another's body. And then they jump to a completely different scene that has me going on some sort of adventure to help my brother.

And they've been more sexual. I never see the act, usually there's just kissing, if that. Sometimes there's a hint that something just happened, or that something will eventually happen, but I only see the kissing and then I just know what's next, and the dream fast-forwards to after. But with these dreams, they usually take place in the basement of my old house. We moved about six years ago, and the furniture in my dreams is nothing like the furniture we had there. And I didn't get my first boyfriend until after we moved here.

So I'm intrigued by the fact that all of the dreams having to do with Dave or this other person take place in the old house, where the worst that took place was me writing in my diary that I wanted to be someone's girlfriend. I'm not sure why it all takes place there. I mean, I could probably look it up, but I do like my own theory better. I think it's because nothing happened there, my subconscious is trying to tell me either that I want to get back to where (or who) I was then, or that I want something to happen that makes me as happy as I was when I was living there.

I mean, those were probably the happiest times of my life to date, so it makes sense that I want to be that happy again. Or maybe the dream's telling me that I should find someone that I want to take home and proudly show to my parents, someone who can fit in seamlessly to my family, and someone who could make me happy for a number of years, as happy as I was back then.

Or maybe I should research what it means and get back to you.

All Star (54/90)

I almost died in another storm today. The tornado sirens went off.

But that has nothing to do with today's entry. Today's entry is going to be about sports, I think. I've been half-heartedly following England and USA's progress in the World Cup. It seems like every time I have a chance to catch a part of these games there's something going on that sounds like it's more exciting then the bits I get to see. You see, usually I'm asleep for the beginning of it.

I'm interested in soccer if there's something going on. I get easily bored of watching tiny men run up and down a pitch for about an hour, and following the speeding ball. I get excited when they're close to the goal and there's a struggle going on, but I've missed out on seeing all the big ref calls everyone is screaming about.

Generally speaking, I'm not a person who's terribly into sports. I enjoy playing them more than I enjoy watching them. And even then, it's only for a little while. I honestly get bored really quickly with watching what seems like the same thing over and over again. With soccer, it's them running up and down the pitch for quite some time. Baseball is just them swinging a bat and trying to run occasionally. I've never been able to sit through an entire baseball game while watching on TV.

People say that going to baseball games is much more fun than watching them on TV. Judging from my past experiences with watching other sports live, I'm willing to bet that I'd be bored with baseball live as well. And these other sports are basketball and football, both of which I had to stay for entire games because I was in the high school bands that played at these events. Granted, I can sit through non-professional football and be excited about it. But NFL has very little movement, so many time stops, and so many commercials that I get bored watching.

Basketball just doesn't appeal to me anywhere. Basketball is literally run from one end of the court to the other, make sure you dribble, and put it in the hoop. And Formula One racing isn't much better, because they're driving around the same track for what, 90 passes? I'm not sure, usually I leave before the end of the races my parents watch. Another thing they watch is golf. Now, it's probably because I just really don't understand golf, but I can't watch it for the whole 18 holes. Mainly I can watch it for long because I have no clue what's going on.

My mom got interested in hockey when the Blackhawks were in the running for the Stanley Cup (as were many others around me - we are a Chicago suburb), and I could watch a period of that. But I had a friend when I was younger who was an avid hockey fan, and she never got me very interested in it. Track, cross country, and swimming are all basically the same - really boring races. At least I can sit through a few of those. And I can sit through a few tennis matches, I think.

Don't get me wrong, though, there are a few sports I can watch, and willingly. Fencing is one, although this may be because I'm a fencer. But even a whole day of watching fencing is a bit much for me. Let's face it - sword-fighting is pretty cool to watch, and that's basically what fencing is. I think I've seen one rugby game, and I quite enjoyed it. I've never gotten to see a lacrosse, water polo, regular polo, or poker (it's on ESPN.com under "all sports"), so I can't really say much against them.

But the sports I love watching are gymnastics, dance, and marching band. I believe that if cheerleading is a sport, then marching band should be as well. That, and I was in marching band all through high school. But I digress. Gymnastics and dance are similar, in that there is a lot of movement and it isn't the same thing over and over again. I like the upbeat dances, and the floor exercise in gymnastics. I just like seeing constant movement, and these are the sports that give me the most of it.

I appreciate (most of) these sports, but I just can't get engaged enough to watch. But I do like playing them.

Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious (53/90)

Hokay guys, I'm back!

Not over my anger, but I'm back! And tonight I'll be talking about Disney movies, instead of Harry Potter. Don't get me wrong, I've been reading a lot today. I just haven't come across an extremely thought-provoking quote or situation today. I'm not sure if my Disney entry will be thought-provoking, but I'll have a stab at it.

Tonight I was watching Tarzan. When I turned 21 I watched Beauty and the Beast. When I was a kid we didn't own that many Disney movies, so my memory of them is very hazy. I never got to watch them over and over again. Usually I was at the babysitter's house, and they didn't own any Disney movies. And yet, my favorite thing to do is watch them. I even brought my VHS player to school so we could have a Disney movie marathon freshman year.

Maybe it has to do with memories again, the reason why I love them so much. They take me back to a time when I was innocent and the worst thing in the world was to be hunted by poachers in the 1800's, or to be forced to marry someone (in the distant future). Or being forced to eat my lima beans before I could go back outside and play.

But when I watch the movies, I don't remember any of those times. I get sucked into the story again, and if I don't catch myself I have a huge smile on my face. I think it's because of the story lines. They may be simple, but they all have a message. Granted, Cinderella, Snow White, and Sleeping Beauty all tell us that we need to be beautiful and that's enough to fall madly in love with someone. But the ones from the late 80s on teach us something more.

The Little Mermaid teaches to do what you can for love. Beauty and the Beast teaches us that intelligent girls can not only be beautiful, but loved and strong characters. Aladdin teaches us that we should follow our hearts in marriage, not what is best for the kingdom or for anything besides for love. Mulan teaches us to embrace all of our quirks, because they may become something that can save someone, or a whole country of someones.

The Lion King teaches us not to run away from who we really are. Tarzan teaches us that even though we may look different, we're all pretty much the same underneath it all. Hercules teaches us that we can overcome obstacles, if we just set our minds to it. Pocahontas teaches us history incorrectly, but also teaches us to appreciate nature and everything in it. The Hunchback of Notre Dame teaches us that everyone's a person, even if they're deformed or a gypsy. (These are just the ones that I've seen the most)

Yes, there are flaws with each of them. Yes, the only mother figures are evil stepmothers. Yes, the women need to gain a few pounds. But when we were kids, we didn't notice these things. We were enjoying the stories. There are also themes in them that went over my head when I was a child, but are highly amusing when older.

Personally, Cinderella, Snow White, and Sleeping Beauty weren't ever in my top stories. My favorites were Mulan and Aladdin, and that's because the girls actually had character development, and in Mulan, she was the main character! I guess inadvertently I always identified with the stronger characters, because Beauty and the Beast is a close third for the ones with humans as the main cast.

Or maybe those were the main ones my parents allowed us to watch. I'm not sure. I do know that I get excited when I see that one's on TV, and will blast Disney music when I need to be cheery. They still make me happy to watch, and I do discover new things when I watch them another time around.

And they still give me unrealistic expectations on love. But don't make me feel bad about my body.

Strong Enough (52/90)

It's storming again.

Outside as well as inside my head. Lately I've been extremely angry at a few different people, and it keeps swirling around. I wish I could reveal it all, but I can't. Even after I've addressed a few of them, the thoughts keep coming, keep distracting me, all vying for my undivided attention. I don't know how much more of this I can honestly handle before I break and the lightning hits an unsuspecting bystander.

I don't want to write tonight. I don't want to think tonight. I don't even want to talk tonight. I want to do something that requires no thought or emotion. I just want to curl up with someone I can rely on. I want someone to prove to me that not everyone is the same. That maybe there is a reason why I keep running into this manipulation, deception, and pain over and over again.

I want to find the end of this tunnel. There's only so long I can go holding my torch until it runs out of fuel. I'm not sure how much is left, and then I'll be stumbling around in absolute darkness. At least now I can see a few feet in front of me. I have a few who have been trying to bring me more fuel until I can find my way out, but it seems they've been losing their way.

I've been trying to be strong for so long. Tonight, I'm weakened by the storm.

*Sorry for the lack of anything thought-provoking. We will return to that shortly (I hope).*

Out of Control (51/90)

Today was Father's Day. My father's in Maryland, so we didn't celebrate. I hung out with Bill.

And I read more Harry Potter. Oh did I read. And I have another quote for tonight. "Decent people are so easy to manipulate, Potter." Mad-Eye Moody/Barty Crouch Jr. Goblet of Fire page 676, American version. Crouch was referring to Cedric Diggory, and how he helped him through the tasks to make sure Harry got through everything. It struck a chord with me, because I know it to be true.

I've been manipulated in my past, on several occasions. I know this, and yet it keeps happening. I think I'm a decent person; I forgive, I don't get revenge, I keep my word, I'm loyal, etc. And I'm trusting. I trust that everyone means what they say, unless there's some reason not to. That's how I got manipulated big time the first time. I trusted him and his word, never thinking all he wanted to do was manipulate me to get his way.

But even after that, I still get manipulated. I think someone's trying to again, maybe even two, three, or four someones. I'm not sure yet. You see, I have a bit of a problem with seeing a manipulator in the moment. Usually I can see them after the fact, and I think it's the same way with a lot of decent people.

I know a lot of other friends have been manipulated, but to a lesser extent. The thing is, they realize it halfway through and save themselves. I don't. And I know why decent people are easy to manipulate; it's because we trust that everyone else is a decent person. We trust people, and want to make sure that everyone else gets a fair shake of things.

But we know that everyone's not a decent person. We don't take precautions against someone who doesn't seem too bad at first glance. It's only until it's obvious that we're getting manipulated that we figure it out, and even then it's hard to (at least for me). People take advantage of us for being some of the good people in the world, only to further their agenda, and it angers me.

Those who manipulate decent people purely for selfish reasons, especially those that hurt the decent ones, should feel ashamed of themselves. Generally speaking, though, they don't. Maybe it goes back to my post about guilt, and how some people don't have any. I'm not sure. I just wish decent people weren't so easy to manipulate, and weren't so often the targets of manipulation.

And to combat this, I'm being overcautious. We'll see what happens.

Simple Things (50/90)

I slept most of the day. I went to sleep at 7:30 this morning. Completely understandable.

Lately there's been a constant theme in my thoughts. That is, when my thoughts are not angry with one person, and annoyed with another. It's actually partially their fault that I've been thinking about this. There are a few others that I will point my finger of blame at, but they shouldn't feel ashamed.

I want a relationship that just comes naturally. I don't want to have to work at getting what I want. I don't want to be constantly disappointed and setting my standards lower and lower because the person I love isn't following through with something. I don't really have very high standards to begin with, so the fact that I have to lower them is something. I've done an earlier post from April that has the basic standards I'd like to have.

I want an easy relationship, like Bill and Lauren's. They really don't seem like they have to work at being interested in each other, or work against outside forces that try and destroy them. Sure, Bill worries, but it's because he's worried he doesn't make her happy. It's really quite sweet. I've never seen Lauren worry, unless it's about something she unintentionally did. And even then, it's only to get advice.

I've never had either of them complain to me about the other doing this or that. There's no "one that got away" for either of them. There's minimal jealousy in both parties. They talk. They have actual conversations. They're both friends and partners, and seemingly can talk to the other about anything.

It's something I've never had. There's always been "one that got away" that leads to jealousy and fights. The relationship trumps the friendship, mainly because the physical gets in the way of the conversation. There's always been work involved, and always tears along the way. And I think I deserve to have something easy that falls into place like that.

Not that I think I'm this amazing person who doesn't deserve to be tested in life ever. Just that I think I've been tested enough these past few years, so something genuine, simple, good, and easy would be greatly appreciated. Even if it doesn't work out in the end. Because when I see Lauren and Bill, it makes me smile on the inside knowing that both of them are perfectly content and secure with their relationship, and only very strong winds will rock their boat.

I'm sick of sailing on my dinghy. I'm ready to upgrade.

Better Man (49/90)

I'm about to go stay at a friend's house for the night, so I figured I should update now.

Today I drove through a ridiculous storm with my brother. Oh good lord, that's probably the worst storm I've seen in a bit. But my brother was fine with it. I, however, could hardly see out of the windshield, and the wipers were at their highest settings. But then again, I really don't like storms in general.

I've been reading Goblet of Fire a lot today, since I've been recently distracted by the new information about the Wizarding World of Harry Potter. Today's post may be about what Sirius Black says about Mr. Crouch when they all were discussing Winky. "If you want to know what a man's like, take a good look at how he treats his inferiors, not his equals." (My book is currently packed, and I'd like to finish this post before I leave in about five minutes, so I'll post other details later.)

It's really hard to tell who is someone's inferior and who's not nowadays. At least, not at first glance. You can run into two people on the bus and not see any differences between them, and then later you can find that one is "inferior" to the other. And the concept of inferiority has been changed now. It's not like the difference between a house-elf and a human; now it's much more subtle. It's the difference in a zero at the end of a paycheck. The difference of education. The difference of skill.

With this in mind, there are people who do believe that they are above the rest because of these reasons. And to see how they treat those "beneath" them will give you the measure of the man. Just walk around any city. There are so many homeless people, just wanting to be fed. Many people will just walk on by, mainly because of the stories we hear. They tell us that if you give them money, they'll just go and spend it on alcohol, not to help improve their situation.

But there are people who will give them food, instead of money. An easy way to combat this, and to help as well. And there are others who look down upon them, without knowing their situation in life. A good number of homeless people are veterans, I've heard. Sure, some of them may have done something in their past to get them to the position they're in today, but not all of them.

And there are those, who I have seen at my high school, who will not associate with someone if they don't live up to the standards they have been used to. For example, if the family doesn't make enough money, then they will start to distance themselves. The latest iPod or designer purse was the easiest way for some in our halls to base who was inferior to them.

It's sad to see how some people will treat others, based on superficial things like this. It goes along with Dumbledore's quote about choices, not abilities, that make who we are. Can we choose to ignore these "inferiorities" that exist? Or can we choose to eliminate them completely? Is it even possible?

How will we know if we don't try?

Some Trust (48/90)

Watching Batman Begins.

I seem to be struggling to find things to write about lately. I guess I'm finally running out of steam, or I'm thoroughly distracted and can't wrap my head around anything to write about. But I'll take a stab at something that I've been inspired by from the beginning of the movie. Bruce Wayne is afraid of bats. Ends up getting his parents killed because of this fear. Eventually he embraces this fear and it transforms him into Batman (brief synopsis of what this is going to be about).

I'm afraid of a lot of things, but my biggest fear is dying unloved. I don't know why it's such a big fear, because I'm surrounded by people who claim they love me. Maybe it's because it doesn't seem like a lot people actually do love me. A lot of people who have told me that have left me, or it seems like I'm easily replaceable.

I don't know where this fear came from. Maybe when I was younger and it seemed like everyone was close to someone that they couldn't seem to live without, and I had no one. Maybe it's because I love deeper than most of the people in my life. Maybe it's because I love more honestly than it seems like everyone else does. Or maybe it's because I think I'm not someone who should be loved. I'm always trying to be a better person than I am, and it seems like I can't really make an honest change.

But whatever sparked this fear, it's still within me. And I rarely admit it to people who I'm not close with (read, three people). But a few weeks ago I opened up much more to someone than I have in a long time, someone I wasn't really that close to. And it seems like it wasn't the best idea; in fact, it seems like I'm probably not going to be talking to this person much anymore.

I took a chance and let him in, even though I had a feeling he wouldn't be in it for the long run. I guess I wanted to see if maybe my views on people weren't as skewed as they had become after Dave. But as of now it seems like I chose the wrong person to try and trust, and it's slowly becoming another fear of mine. I think I'm getting scared to let people who haven't been close to me, start to get close to me. Sure, I'm sharing a lot more with the people who I've trusted before.

But lately I haven't been admitting as much to any one person. There's really only one person who actually knows most of what's been bugging me lately, and that's Margaret. Everyone else only knows one side of the die that's rolling around in my brain. Two if they're lucky. And the two are the ones who I've just started to get a lot closer with this summer. I guess something changed, either inside me or with them.

I've never had an issue with trusting people; in fact, I've been too trusting in my past (as evidenced by my recent foray with the opposite sex). Maybe there's only so much you can take of people you trusted leaving before you start to protect yourself from hurt anymore. And quite honestly, I'm sick of getting hurt. I wish I could find someone who I could trust that wouldn't hurt me in the end.

I don't even know if I want to keep looking at this point.

The Guilty Ones (47/90)

I am going to go crazy in my own house before the end of the summer, because I'm not doing anything with my days still.

I'm watching Criminal Minds right now. It's an old one, and they are interviewing a lady who is going to be executed because they believe she killed her son, and helped kill 12 other girls with a sexual psychopath. She just said, "We're all guilty of something." And it's getting hard to not focus on what's going on in the show. I, like a lot of other people, it seems, am quite fascinated by the criminal mind.

There was a point in time when I wanted to be a part of the BAU (Behavioral Analysis Unit). I know that these shows exaggerate what actually goes on to keep audiences interested, but I've had an interest in learning about the mind. I considered going into psychology at school, to do something like this. But after thinking about it, I realized that I may not want to deal with psychopaths and sociopaths all day, every day. There are some episodes when my faith in humanity has gotten even lower, and I can't imagine doing that all day. That, and the fact that they only take about 40 people on their team.

But they always have good quotes on the show. They start and end with a quote that makes audiences think about the episode, and how it impacts them in the long run. And tonight's quote that's gotten me thinking is about how everyone is guilty of something. I think it's true; even the seemingly most innocent people have something to hide, something they've done.

Maybe it's nothing too big, like lying to a friend about their outfit or their career choice. Maybe it's a bit bigger, like knowing when something bad is going on. But all of us are guilty of something. I've never known someone who doesn't have something in their past they've done that they aren't proud of. No one's led a flawless life. I know someone who likes to think that they're completely guilt-free, but I'm sure there's something in his past that he's guilty of.

And then there are people who feel guilty for no reason, like the woman on the show. She didn't kill any of the people they say she did, as it turns out. But since she didn't do anything to stop her husband, she feels like she has something to be guilty for. That's the way that guilt usually works.

Guilt is a funny thing. I really don't understand how it works. It's something that's in us that makes us realize that what we've done is wrong. And it seems like lately, some people don't understand that things they've done would normally make someone feel guilty. But we have similar moral codes on everything else, so I don't understand why we differ on this.

I guess some people feel more guilty than others, or have different magnitudes of guilt. Or maybe some people just ignore their feelings, or hide them. But I think that showing the guilt for something you've done would be more appreciated than hiding it. For some reason hiding things is seen as a "manly" trait, and honestly, I'd appreciate it if you told me you f*cked up. Because then at least I have some sort of understanding on the situation. And then I can try and retain some sort of dignity after being led on these past few weeks.

But no one can ever own up to their mistakes, and it frustrates me.

A Little Less Conversation (46/90)

I took pictures of things today. That was my impulsive thing of the day.

I don't know what I feel like writing about tonight. I just had a lot of fun with some friends, and nothing really serious was discussed. Nothing of consequence was discussed, really; usually we don't have conversations like that. And I've spent all day being angry, and that's where most of my thoughts have been all day.

So tonight, I think I'm going to write about not having anything to write about. It's frustrating. I keep getting to about this point, lose steam, and stare around my room for five minutes, hoping that something new will crop up. So far, it hasn't worked. I'm even running out of things to say about this lack of writing.

I just can't really get into the mindset to think tonight. I've just spent the past three hours talking, and I want to do more of that now. I don't want to think. I don't want to type out my carefully thought out responses. I want my true, spontaneous thoughts, and get initial thoughts in return.

The internet and texting make it so much easier to erase all of this. From behind the cover of a screen, you can be whoever you want to be, and say things you wouldn't in person. I know I'm guilty of that, and did such a thing last night. But I miss the times when you would pick up the phone if you wanted to talk to someone. Sure, if I wanted to be on the phone right now I'd have to relocate, but actually vocalizing my thoughts sometimes lets me find out more about me than thinking.

Not to say that I think these things are horrible. I love them; I wouldn't keep in touch with a good chunk of my friend base if I didn't have them. I just wish that we didn't rely on them as much, because right now I really want to just talk to someone. Have an actual conversation, because I'm one of those people who is still trying to master the art of conversation. How can I do that if my conversations are carefully planned?

Though sometimes it is better that I have to type out my thoughts. It has saved me a few times.

Die Another Day (45/90)

Today is the halfway point of the 90 in 90.

It's very hard to be impulsive if what's in your plans is dependent on other people. I learned that today. I was exited to go out and try something new, and then I never heard from them. And then I thought I came up with a brilliant plan, but it seems like I'll have to lead that horse to the water in the end, and I'm not sure if I have it in me.

Lately my blog's been turning into a place where I can sort through my life and try and figure out where I've been going wrong. And I'm getting sick of writing it, and I'm sure you're getting sick of reading it. I thought it used to have some sort of insight into humanity as a whole, and now it's more like me examining myself and my issues and hoping that someone out there will sympathize. That's really not what I've been trying to go for with this.

But lately I haven't really had too many insightful thoughts. Lately my head's been crammed with what seems to be fast approaching impossible hopes. And through trying to attain these hopes, I've been trying to better myself. It seems like I write things, and never really make the points I want to make, as is evident in this post as well.

In Goblet of Fire, I've just finished the chapter where Professor Moody shows the class the three Unforgivable Curses, and I got to thinking about death and what happens when we die. Sure, I know that our bodies decompose and all of that, but what about our souls? Do we even have souls? I'm a Deist, so I really don't have a religion to look towards for my answer. There's really no defining thought on the soul or the afterlife in Deism; it's up to each individual.

I think we have a soul. There is something within me that isn't completely corporeal. You may call it my essence, if you wish. That what makes me, me. I don't think it will be extinguished once I die. But I'm not sure about what happens to it when I die. I'd like to believe that there's a heaven, because then my soul would have someplace to reside for eternity. And if there's a heaven, then naturally there's a hell. But then what standards would make one soul to go heaven, and one to hell?

There's no interfering God in Deism, which is the main reason I'm a Deist. So who's to say that those that would be meant for hell don't make it to heaven, if there are both? Maybe there's not actually a heaven and a hell. Maybe my soul just wanders around on Earth for the rest of time. There would be enough to see to keep me occupied for that long. Or maybe there's just a place for souls, no heaven and hell division.

I don't know. The last two sound plausible, the first sounds ideal. But, generally speaking, ideal situations are few and far between. All I know is that there is a soul inside me that won't be extinguished when my body dies. I've raised more questions than answers in tonight's post, but I honestly don't know the answers at this point in time. But then again, I've got plenty of time to think about it, and hopefully much more time to come to a conclusion I can believe in.

I think the reasonable answer is that souls wander the Earth. And Deism is, after all, based on reason.

Back in the Saddle (44/90)

My summer's getting annoyingly predictable.

Which is why I think I need to do more of the things I've said I'm going to do, or had a secret desire to do. If you've been following me, you know that I've been trying to work on improving myself to be the person that I want to be. Well, the only consistent thing I've been doing is working out, and even that has been hitting some snags. Everything else has been a few instances, and they haven't really affected me enough to make it a permanent fixture in my life or my personality.

So as I lay crying last night, I got to thinking about what I had done with my life that I wanted to do. And I realized that a lot of major decisions in my life had been made by outside influences, and not made by me. For example: the debacle with PJ was the pressure to A) not hurt him and B) fit in by having a boyfriend and someone who loved me. That's a whole can of worms that probably won't ever be fully revealed on this blog. Where I was going to get my education came from my parents deciding to move. I had to go to Neuqua Valley, and did receive an amazing high school education that I'm grateful for. I had some major restrictions if I wanted my family to help me with college (which was necessary).

Not only was the thing with PJ predetermined, but it seems like every other male interest I've had hasn't really been my choice as well. Zack and I had this friendship, and then he had feelings for me, then he started dating my friend, and then it just kind of made sense to get together. Jose was more into me than I was him, and then it, again, just kind of made sense. Dave somewhat reminded me of PJ, but was still different enough to intrigue me. It kind of just happened. And this possible new interest was just in the right place at the right time.

And there are a lot of smaller instances where things have been decided for me, but they really don't matter right now. All that matters is that last night, when I was laying on my floor and crying, I realized that what was bothering me as well was the lack of control I seemed to have over things that affected my heart and my brain. And I'm a person who likes having control of the situation.

So last night, I decided that I was going to do more for me. More of the things I want to do, either planned or impulse decisions. I do have a lot of things I want to do that I instantly squash because they're either not plausible, or I don't have the means to do them. Well, I've learned how to live beyond my means from some of the best people, and I've learned not to worry as much from some of the most talented minds in this field. I think it's time to take what I've learned and put it into practice.

Maybe by doing that, I'll not only have a more fulfilling summer, but become a more fulfilled person. There are so many things I'd like to go out and do right now, and if I sat down and thought about it some more, there would be many more impulse decisions that I could make. Some of the things I've decided to do are small; some of them could have more of an impact on me than I anticipate. But I did make an impulse decision last night; now I just have to see it through, which I intend to do, so long as the other party is willing.

I'm already comfortable with my decision. Now to see how far this new outlook can carry me.

Just Let Me Cry (43/90)

Today was the same as every other Saturday: watched TV with the family all day.

There are some days when your emotions and reactions surprise you. You can be feeling perfectly normal, and then all of a sudden an intense desire or emotion will creep up on you, and you try and ignore it if you can't immediately do what your impulse is wanting. And until you fulfill it, it doesn't completely go away. At least, that's my experience. Maybe not everyone's like that.

Sometimes it's a silly impulse, like going to McDonald's. Sometimes it's a bit more pressing, like wanting to know everything about a person. And sometimes it comes from left field, like trivial desires. For the past few days, my little itch has been to talk to someone outside of my family. To actually have a conversation. But the past few people I've tried to have a conversation with didn't want to talk, so this desire has gone unfulfilled.

I did talk to a few people, but it was either for a few minutes total or about how attractive the soccer players are. That's not what I've been wanting to talk about, I guess. I want to get to know someone more, or at least be able to flirt with him. I want to know about the happenings of someone else who I'm slightly concerned about. And somehow I also want to distance myself from the trivial concerns I have surrounding the male half of the species.

Maybe if I had gotten that, then I wouldn't have gotten another inexplicable urge today. Today, I've wanted to break down and cry. It's come up at odd times: while watching the World Cup, while my dad was talking to one of his other daughters, while I was on Facebook, and while we were talking about a changed vacation plan. I still haven't given in to it yet.

I know that sometimes you just need a good cry. I've experienced it before. But I feel like today there's something else that's going on besides for needing a good cry. Maybe it's the fact that I don't feel important as a person to anyone lately. Sure, I'm useful to make sure my brother gets to where he needs to go, and to make sure the rest of my family stays afloat. I'm useful in giving tips about things I'm more experienced in, and about what I observe from the outside looking in. I'm even a good flirt, I'd hazard a guess, since he kept coming back. But I think I want more.

I think I want someone to talk to me because they want good conversation instead of the above reasons. I'd like to be appreciated by my family, who seems to have all but forgotten about my birthday last weekend. I know that's a trivial, juvenile, and selfish thing to be upset about, but I can't help it. Because recognizing a birthday is saying "I'm glad you were born and are in my life." And it seemed like this year, as was the case last year, that it was something that was a mandatory observance for them.

I think that's the real reason I'm ready for a good cry. The lack of interest that I've been encountering. That, and the fact that I don't really have anyone to turn to when I feel like this. I miss having that: having someone who would try to help me to the fullest extent of his abilities, or be able to change the way I felt with a few words. Just have someone cuddle next to me and tell me it'll be okay in the end.

So I think I'm going to give in to this urge to cry, and see if I feel better after it.

Hero (42/90)

My dad came home for the weekend today, so we've just been hanging around the house all day.

We did go and see Iron Man 2 today, though. And I liked it. It had action, it had a plot, and it moved. And while I was watching it I got to thinking. Tony Stark's not someone who was blessed with amazing powers; he made his way into the "superhero" world by building his suit. He didn't use much more than his brain to get him to where he was today (I apologize if I'm getting some of this wrong, my memory's a bit fuzzy with his storyline). Personally, I think those who create their own powers, like Iron Man and Batman, are more interesting than those who have been bestowed these powers.

Mainly because there's usually a really interesting back story that causes them to become a superhero, and for the others, it's either genetics or some accident. Accidents aren't really that interesting and engaging. You can talk about them maybe once, and then you basically have the full story. But other triggers have a much more expansive back story that can be interpreted in different ways.

I don't think I'd want to be a hero, though, through an accident or otherwise. Sure, maybe it's because I haven't been tortured or seen my parents killed in front of me, but I just don't think I could do it. I don't have the means, for one. Another is that I'd be scared of letting everyone down. It's only in fairy tales that the "good guys" always win, and knowing my luck, I'd end up losing a lot. And always being on call in case something happened that threatened the city/country I was defending.

As much as I don't want to be a superhero, I also wouldn't want to be a civilian in these cities. Seriously. There's always some evil villain intent on taking over and destroying as much of the city as s/he can. There wouldn't be much peace, because they're always out for revenge. Things get blown up, people get kidnapped, and elaborate plots of demise are always in the works. It can't be healthy to constantly be living in fear that some villain was going to come and kill you.

But I think I'd rather put my trust in the combined forces of the police and a superhero, unless the police unit is like Gotham's in "The Dark Knight." At least that way if the police couldn't do anything, there could be some back up that may be able to help. And I will admit, it would be pretty cool to watch the superhero take out the villain, so long as I wasn't in any immediate danger. And if Tony Stark and Bruce Wayne are anything to go off of, they do throw some pretty amazing parties.

I love the idea of a superhero. I just don't think I'd be able to survive in their world.

Don't Worry, Be Happy (41/90)

Hey guys. New design, the old one was too depressing. Drove around all day, basically.

So I finished Prisoner of Azkaban today. And I know that about a year ago I wrote about dementors and boggarts. But today I got to thinking more about the dementors. I know previously I've wondered whether dementors can make you re-live memories you've thought you've repressed. And I think that they would be able to. I mean, they make you re-live your worst memories.

And the only way to save yourself from them is by summoning up one of your happiest memories and saying a spell. Now, today I've been thinking about what memory I would use to battle a dementor. And nothing really sticks out. Most of my recent memories are either filled with anger or wonder, and haven't had anything to do with happiness. I really don't think that the last reason I was happy would be strong enough to produce a Patronus.

So of all the memories I have, what one memory would be strong enough to get me through the dark? I can remember certain events that did make me happy at that time, but I can't remember the feelings. All my sad feelings, on the other hand, are easy to recall. I know that when we went to Disney World for jazz band junior year I was incredibly happy, because I had a chance to be me and escape the horrors that I had created and put up with.

I know graduating was something I was excited about. I know going to college and having friends was fun. Watching certain shows was fun. I can just recall moments that were fun and exciting, but not the feelings that went with them. The last three moments in my life that I can think of to try and help me with my Patronus is the surprise I got a few weeks ago from Lauren, Tori, Bill, and Brittany, definitely. The second might actually be the Valentine's Dance Dave and I went to, back in February. And the last moment I was truly happy was when Dave came to visit for the New Year. And it took me three minutes of thinking to come up with those three memories.

So what does that mean? Am I never truly happy? I don't remember the times that I was instantly. It's a struggle to try and find them, and it's always been one. Maybe I just put so much pressure on being happy as a bigger feeling than what I normally feel, and I'm someone who's a pretty content person most times. Maybe I just want to feel something that's better than my normal.

Maybe I put too much pressure on myself to be happy, and because of it I never get to truly and fully experience it. Kind of like orgasms. If you put too much pressure on yourself to have one, then it makes it that much harder to achieve one. At least, that's what I've read about. So maybe for me being happy is like orgasming, which is weird to think about.

I don't want to go through life missing out on my orgasm of happiness, so I've decided to change this somehow. I still haven't figured out what it is yet. I know for orgasming they say you should relax and not worry about if you do or not. So maybe I should stop expecting myself to be happy, and it will just come to me, sneak up when I least expect it.

I hope so. I'd like to experience it fully.

Afraid (40/90)

Hi. Just got home from seeing Sex and the City 2, and sitting in the car with Margaret for awhile, so sorry this is late.

Today I didn't really have any major theme. But I did watch the first Sex and the City movie, and it (of course) got me thinking. I think Carrie said something along the lines of "You can't stop being who you are because you're afraid" when she was talking to Charlotte about running when she was pregnant. And it got me thinking. Mainly because I've been talking to someone who has a very similar outlook on life.

And I've always been the cautious one. I'm the person who thinks through all possible outcomes before committing to something, because I'm afraid I'll screw up or that it'll hurt me in the end. Mainly because I've actually gone with my initial thoughts and have been hurt by them. Time has taught me to be more cautious, and more afraid.

I've been hurt before, by many different people (mainly men). So of course I'm afraid to try anything new or outside my comfort zone. I tend to date guys who aren't right for me, mostly in the same way: they can't take care of themselves. Not that they don't know how to clean and such, just that they have no idea how to budget their time or keep their own schedules. So I become the constant reminder of things that need to be done, and they rely on that, with nothing given in return.

Not only is this a pattern, but I also have the unfortunate pattern of being second best for them. Usually it didn't work with the original person, but I'm still a pretty good prize, so I'm next pick. And because of this, what I want is always pushed aside until they've accomplished their own tasks. And it's something I'm used to.

I'm scared to be with someone who actually doesn't need me. I'm scared to be with an equal. But it's something I claim to want. So why haven't I gone out and found it yet? Instead I was either pining after someone, or chasing a dying relationship. I was settling for what I've always known, instead of trying to obtain what I deserve. I've suppressed what I want, who I want to be, and to an extent who I am, because I'm scared of being truly happy and where I want to be.

But I think I'm starting to change it. I still don't know where I want to be exactly, and I think it'll take me awhile to find it. But I do know there are things in me that I've been trying to suppress from certain people who think it's a bad idea to go down this road I'm peering down. Depending on where I stand further down the line, I may decide for myself whether it's a good idea. But it won't be because I'm scared to get hurt, or scared to be who I am. It will be because I know that it's something that won't lead me to the person I want to be, or reinforce the person that I am.

But I've just discovered this new road. I'm not going blindly down it.

Brighter (39/90)

Today was my mom's birthday, but since I have a lack of funds, we didn't really do anything. She had the day off though. We kinda hung out, and I finished Chamber of Secrets today.

And yes, today's post is inspired by Harry Potter again. And until the 18th, which is when I'm planning on being done with the series, you should probably expect them to be Harry Potter related or themed. So long as there's one quote that makes me think in every book, and I'm sure there will be. Tonight's is from Dumbledore. "It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities." (Chamber of Secrets, page 333, American version).

Which is good news to me, since I have very few abilities, but a lot of choices at hand. But then again, I'm a very indecisive person, so sometimes it's hard for me to make a choice. It takes me a lot of time usually to sit down and think through important choices. I'm really not an impulsive person, although I've been told it seems like I am? I do make impulsive small, inconsequential decisions, like driving down the street to get Burger King instead of Jimmy John's and things like that.

But overall, I do think about my choices, because I do believe that they do show what we are. It's easy enough to pretend to be something you're not. But put someone in a tough situation, and that's when what they're made of truly comes out. Or even something that's not so tough. Any situation is a chance to see what a person's like.

I've seen some choices made by people that have changed how I perceive them. Like intentionally manipulating someone to get what you want. And I know that to an extent a vast majority of people will use manipulation, but there are certain instances when I can't stand it. And that's because I've seen how far someone will go with their manipulation, and the resulting fallout and turmoil from it. The choice he made still mars how I see him.

Another choice I've seen is how far people will go to keep something from someone, just so they can still look like the knight in shining armor they wish to be. Using and then completely disregarding peoples' feelings just to keep what they had. Lying and going behind her back. And then not taking care of her when she needed it and going off to fulfill your own agenda. If I didn't like him before this year, I definitely don't now.

And I know my own choices have changed how I see myself. I've been talking about becoming someone who is more in control with her life, and now that I'm doing that I'm actually really starting to like myself. And I'm thinking that others around me are liking the fact that I'm liking me more. It's an interesting feeling. I wish I had discovered this before.

I wish I had actually taken Dumbledore's advice to heart when I first started reading the series. I have a feeling that I would've been a different person than who I am now, and probably would've reached this whole "liking myself" think a lot quicker if I had. But then I would've missed out on everything I've been through, which I think would be a tragedy for me to have missed out on. Although I do admit, some things I could've done without, but on the whole I actually appreciate what I've gone through.

I made my choices, and I'm still sticking to them. We'll see where they take me.

Invisible Kid (38/90)

Today I worked out, went to McDonald's with a friend, and then ran errands for my parents. All the while silently spazzing out, thinking that I may have unintentionally done something stupid.

Turns out I haven't. Yay! But I don't know what tonight's post is going to be about. I haven't come across anything that made me stop and think in Chamber of Secrets today, because I haven't really had time to read. But when I was trying to read today my mom had on a TV show talking about families and the differences with them. It was children talking about adoption and their families, and how everyone integrated into the family.

And my mom was on the phone with my dad, who is currently living with his mother because his job transferred him out there. He told me earlier to call my grandmother because it was her birthday, instead of just handing her the phone. Because it means more if I call out of the blue. So does it mean nothing because she didn't call me on my birthday? Or maybe that she sent my brother something for his birthday and not me?

It's not like I'm really upset that she hasn't said anything to me or sent anything to me. She probably doesn't remember, and that's understandable. But the thing is that my dad expects a lot from me, and almost nothing from my brother. I understand that he's going through a tough time, and that I've never admitted any problems to my parents. And if this were the first time something like this happened, it wouldn't bug me as much.

But I've always been treated differently than my brother. I'm adopted by my dad; my brother's his biological child. It seems like he always gets what he wants, even if "we don't have the funds for it." And when I ask for something that's roughly the same price, I don't get it. I had been asking for a new saxophone for a few years, and that's an investment in my schooling. I still only have that beginner sax. My brother, on the other hand, has three electric guitars, and as we know, guitar is not in school bands.

I've always known that some of the things I really want are out of the family budget, and generally don't ask for them. But if my brother wants something that's upwards of $400 (like the PS3 he got for Christmas), you better believe that he'll get it in a year or less. Me, I'll have something on my list, and won't hear about it, besides for how ridiculously expensive it is. Even after doing research and expressing my interest in one of few things I have wanted, it won't ever see the light of day again.

It gets frustrating after awhile. Especially when it's been happening for upwards of ten years, and he still doesn't realize it. I think the most expensive thing that he's gotten me is a stereo system. One that I didn't even really want or ask for.The next expensive thing? One of the dresses I got for a high school dance. But I guess this laptop counts as something he bought for me, even though I paid for it and he paid me back? And it's something of a necessity for college.

But does it count when my brother could have gotten one as well, instead of one of his guitars, since they are the same price? And when he also got one for his other daughter because she too was going to college? I guess that's why I forgot about it.

I wasn't intending this to be a rant about all the inequalities that are in my house. It was more to make a point that even if you claim you don't treat your children differently, we can see it better than you can. And I know that he's still my dad, even if he's not my biological dad. But sometimes, when things like those written above happen, it seems to the adopted child that maybe you don't love us as much as you love your biological child.

But at least he's seen that in at least once instance there's been a bit of an inequality. I was talking to him about new cameras, as previously written about, and a commercial came on of the new Olympus Pen. Instantly, I knew that it was the camera I wanted. I researched it and other cameras, and showed them to my dad. And when I told him I wanted the camera, but knew I wouldn't be able to get it soon since the model I wanted was about $700, he brought up the fact that maybe he could get it for me. After all, they had just bought my brother a guitar that cost the same.

So at least it's progress. And that's all I ask for.

The Power (37/90)

Blogger was down when I was supposed to post, so I’ve decided to write the blog of June 6th in Word and see if I can’t copy/paste when it starts working again.

Basically all day I ready Harry Potter. When I first started I was really nervous, since I wasn’t sure if I’d still be as much in love with it as I have been. Five hours later, I was done with Sorceror’s Stone and starting on Chamber of Secrets. Obviously my fears were silly, because if I really wanted too I could finish Chamber of Secrets tonight as well. But I’m going to extend the time it takes me to finish reading the series, because I don’t really have much else to choose from to read, and I’m still loving the series.

And it’s not just because of the memories I have attached to it, or the storyline, or the writing. It can still make me think. near the end I started thinking about a few different things that may be later entries, but tonight’s will focus on what Voldemort says near the end. He says it in the movie too. “There is no good and evil, there is only power, and those too weak to seek it.” Professor Quirrell, Harry Potter and the Sorceror’s Stone, page 291 (American edition).

We’ve been told from the beginning that we’ve got to be “good” and that there is “evil” in the world. It’s everywhere: in our religion, in the movies, on TV shows, in books. It’s the central theme to countless plotlines. Usually we interpret something bad as being evil, like any of the seven deadly sins. But I think that there are a few instances where what we perceive as evil isn’t as bad as we make it out to be.

For example, lust. I’ve already shared some thoughts on lust, before I started the 90 in 90. It’s needed to have sex, plain and simple. You can take it to a bad place, when you abuse it. But in moderation, it’s a fairly safe feeling. Same with pride. Chefs should “stand behind their dishes,” which is basically taking pride in what they’ve produced. And being proud about your accomplishments isn’t inherently bad.

I think it’s the same with power. Everyone interprets the desire to have some power as a bad thing. But coming from someone who has felt powerless on multiple occasions, trying to gain power is not only liberating but healthy. It’s only when the quest for power consumes you, like in the case of Professor Quirrell, that it is a bad thing.

Maybe he’s right. Maybe there is only power, and I’ve been one of those who are too weak to seek it. Maybe I’ve been contenting myself with trying to be a “good” person and neglecting trying to get some power. Well, I know I’ve never actually gone out and tried to be a powerful person. I’m much more at ease trying to make everyone else happy. I’m afraid I’ll mess up if I do have a leadership position, and I don’t want to let people down.

But lately I’ve actually been trying to gain a little bit of power in my personal life. I’m taking more of a stand about what I want, and what will be happening to me. And it’s not going to my head, so it hasn’t started to become evil. It’ll take some time to get used to exerting a bit of power, but I don’t think it’ll ever go to my head.

At least, I hope I don’t misuse it.